Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

@BananaPeels and @CallMeMessy - you say that, but I bet that if your choice was similar to ours - London independent that gets great results and provides an enormously well-rounded education over a state school down the road that gets poor/mediocre results and has a lot of challenges - AND you could afford it, there's no way you would choose the latter 'on principle'.

I'm guessing that those who can afford private but say they are 'against state schools' probably have their children in an excellent state school. If I believed that our local comp was as good (or even, almost/nearly as good) as our private school, I wouldn't be spending the enormous amounts of money for any of the ridiculous reasons some posters on this thread think we might be doing this - 'keeping up with the Joneses'/connections/status symbols. The point is their educational offering is, in this case, poles apart.

As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child

Then you'll also know that it's perfectly possible for your child to be very successful with a state school education too. You can still give your child lots of opportunities in addition to their schooling using the money you will have saved.

Your entire OP is very contradictory though as you talk about private school grief and having the money and that it's from your earnings and that's why your DH is upset (or something, it's not very clear). Yet then you say this:

But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…

So if you think it's poor value for money as implied in this sentence, why all this grief.
You've decided it's not worth it so that's it.

Your child will do perfectly well going to the local state school and you can use the money you have saved for tutoring if necessary, music or sport coaching, cultural activities, language lessons, or whatever he's interested in.

loads of messages, thank You!
we were targeting a private with ridiculous leavers destinations and added value compared to state on those “intangibles” that I did not even know could be coached/learnt at school (confidence, attitude, initiative, social codes…) that are often opening doors in corporate. Definitely not something making it easy to justify 500k-1m spent over the years like a sen or poor state option.
and the conversation was around trade offs, always assuming we could afford it.
but then my husband spoke honestly about the financial stress for him. It would be easy to say it’s ego in negative terms. but the reality is that the if my husband would have felt dependent financially and not very confident, always coming short in comparison with all the other high achieving and realistically competitive parents, simply because the bar is too high and it’s not all about wealth. Especially in the eyes of his child. I agree, grief is a strong word, meant to use it figuratively, but reflects the feeling of having lost something unexpectedly and just having to accept it

What a stupid post.

good question.
My perspective is:
if 30k per year is less than 10% of you net income and you don’t have particular financial commitments, feel good with investments and assets owned, the expectation of value is not the same as if you are still figuring finances out…
yet if you logically think about the return on investment in logical terms and the pain of state is just “larger classes”, the value for money is not there.
The easy answer would have been a fair contribution (based on income) to the fees but it is not something sits well with my husband…

@Movingonfeelssad - not sure how old your child is, but at senior level you don't really have much to do with other parents! 😂 I know a lot of parents at my DC's private school because my kids have been there since primary age.

While there are many very, very rich and very successful parents - people just aren't comparing! You find your crowd if you are looking for one. Yes it might be occasionally galling to say 'no we aren't off to our second home in the summer/going skiing in half term/flying to Barbados at Christmas' - no-one really cares, and it's certainly not something to be intimidated by fgs!

And how do you “buy” the enrichment that is instilled every day in the private school experience please? The “private school energy” that makes candidates come across as great culture fits, leadership high potential in interviews or over the course of a career. I am clear on the hard skills and work ethic but those are never the reason why people succeed past 100k ish type of jobs

How to say you have no clue without saying it. 25% kids in independent schools are on fee assistance and here the court case identified the number from lower income households.
This.

The problem with private schools is they’re stuffed with kids from generational wealth, and those kids have t got a clue about real life, nor do their parents in many cases.
@CallMeMessy You are quite happy to write off an entire cohort of children because their parents chose private school.
However if someone were to say ‘the problem with state schools is that they’re stuffed with kids whose parents are criminals or unemployed, and those kids wander around the town shoplifting and vandalising property muttering “fuckin’mental” and “innit”, you would be horrified.

I still don't really get the issue with your DH, are you saying you earn more and can afford to pay for private school tuition for your child but your DH feels it will put pressure on him and make him feel like he is falling short because he wouldn't be able to afford to pay or contribute?

If that's the case then yes it's an issue of his ego over what is best for your child. You should both be working together as a team and if one of you earns more you can use that to make the best decision for your child rather than decide not to to avoid making one of you feel uncomfortable and pressured because he or she earns a lower income.

Does this mean if combined you can afford to live in a nice area with a lovely big house but because DH earns a lower income you have to live in a less nicer area and house that matches his income so he doesn't feel pressured?

Maybe I'm missing your point but that's how I read it.

To be PP stating that private schools are stuffed with kids from
generational wealth - this is just completely incorrect. Do you actually know anyone at private school or is this just a sweeping statement? Coming from someone who sends her child to a private school, I can assure you they are not all like this. Yes, maybe the larger, better known ones, but a lot of others are absolutely not so you can’t generalise. My child doesn’t come from this!

Just to add, following your update OP - I feel it might be a little sweeping to say all private school parents are competitive. While there certainly are some very high achievers or very wealthy families, in my experience the majority of parents are simply hardworking people from all sorts of backgrounds. Often grandparents help with fees. It’s not only the stereotypical “upper-class, wealthy, snobby” type of parent.

And as for the idea of him ‘falling short’ in comparison, why would he need to compare at all? Choosing private school is about what’s best for your child, not about how one parent measures up against another.

You hit the nail on the head. He is intimidated by all these parents earning millions or generational wealth and state feels more like us, more comfortable

I really don't understand your wordy phrasing. What is the issue? If you can afford it and he doesn't want to feel inferior then he can just not go to school events or socialise with parents.

Totally agree with this. Just thinking about the people I know with dcs at private school:
Mainly teachers
Trades - builders/plumbers
Civil servants
National rail worker
Doctor
Dentist
Accountant
IT consultant
Not one person has come from generational wealth, they are all self made, hard working, and very ordinary families.

The school we were looking at is predominantly feeding into elite schools and we had conversations with other parents sending their children there and also attended parent networking events

Hence why the mixed feelings, what are the chances of aiming for elite schools from state? But we are also not naive…what if the child is not the right fit for elite and everyone is obsessively tutored?

Just do it and tell your husband to stop allowing his fragile ego to get in the way of your children’s education, wellbeing and future.

And if he wants to feel he must ‘compete’ with the other parents then he should just get on and do what he needs to do that.

The reality is the fees sets the bar. Once you are at a school like that it’s a family.

This made me laugh. I was at football with another parent who was going through the whole should I send my kid to private school angst. She told me at length how it was a difficult choice as you know everyone at private school is either a stuck up twat or a gangster. She didn't want him thinking he wasn't good enough or getting into organised crime 😂
Honest to god, the things people come out with. Had she actually bothered to go round the local private school she'd have realised she already knew half the parents from football and not found them either stuck up or shady.

Just go to the school, see if you like it, speak to the boys/girls and make your mind up. The kids aren't a different species. The 'elite' schools have a cohort of students on anything up to 100% fee discount so there will be all wealth brackets.

My children go to 2 of the top independent schools in the country. One went from an independent prep school, the other from a lovely state primary school. Both were tutored to pass the entrance tests (although I probably wasted money on tutoring as they likely would have passed anyway).

Our schools aren’t filled with rich parents. Yes there are a few in each class, but most are just normal, hard working people with 2 incomes. A lot have grandparents paying the fees, a lot are on bursaries and scholarships. Many are international families. It’s a completely mixed bag. But no one is comparing their wealth. No one looks down on anyone. And everyone moans about the cost of the trips, the annual fee increase, the cost of the uniforms, the addition of VAT. I don’t think anyone is laissez-faire with the cost of a private education.

My DH retired on 200k, he went to a completely bog standard comprehensive.

@Movingonfeelssad - honestly, the parental mix is broad. There are kids on full bursaries who live on estates and kids with oligarch dads who live in mansions. Most families fall somewhere between the two - and the point is, no-one is particularly thinking about what other people's financial situations are...

What I would say is that I think, within a decade at most, you will probably see the make-up of private schools change. They will probably become less selective because less families are able to afford them. The very clever kids of doctors, criminal lawyers, journalists etc are becoming priced out of private already and going for grammars instead - I've seen this in my time having kids at private school. This in turn will impact the overall results at the independent schools and could influence where the great teachers want to be...so I would just think carefully if this is the start of the journey.

That’s exactly what sold us initially, seeing the kids, with their impressive knowledge, attitude to learning, confidence. All the other private felt just like our local state, only with smaller classes and flashier facilities.

Totally agree with this. The whole of year 6 at a selective private in a nearby town recently sat the 11+ for state grammar. Prior to the VAT on school fees the majority of them would have stayed on to year 8 and sat the ISEB in year 8 for and elite private.

I also agree with this. And would also add that there will be a lot of independent primaries closing over the next few years as people choose to spend only on secondary. I recently advised a close friend to send her children to the state primary after she was told that the reception year for the independent school her DD was registered at only had 5 children in. A school with very low reception intake is unlikely to stay open for long.

But OP, if you are looking for a reception aged child, then you don’t need to stress about your decision. It isn’t set in stone and you can change it whenever you like. It is very common for kids to start in state and move to independent for year 3 or year 7 or year 9. These are very normal entry dates for independent schools.