Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

You're insufferable in real life aren't you ! Nothing like a humble brag "I earn so much I can afford private school" kindly ( or not) fuck off
Oh and it doesn't matter the education if your kids thick as mince it doesn't matter where they go

I have a child at private school and one at the local state school (before anyone says I'm a horrid parent, other child had the opportunity to go private but didn't like the vibe). State school child is doing really well in all exams. State school lacks the interest from teachers for extracurriculars or preparation for exams but child is coping well and is happy so I'm happy. Private school child is well prepped for exams but has had trips. In short I have the right school for the right child and while private school is great if you have a good one and can afford it, it is equally possible to be miserable there as you would in state school. If you have a good comp and your child has a great friendship group he will be absolutely fine

Nauseating.

If I had the money I would have sent DC1 private. The state schools around here don't have a great rep and you need a million pound house to get into the least worst one.

DC1 is also dyslexic and may not have passed entrance test to selective private schools.

BUT they are so happy at the local state school! They are thriving. So far it's been the right choice. There are some areas the school is weak in (team sports and sporting facilities, I would say not as good as private in music either) but they are areas we can try to fulfil outside school.

Honestly I think private makes much less difference at primary unless we're talking SEN or the type of child where smaller classes and a calmer environment (which not all private schools guarantee!) make a real difference. Or I suppose if you want something very unusual like a bilingual education. For one of my three I wish I could have afforded something private, but the sort of school they needed was particularly expensive.

At 11 you have a better idea of what suits your child. Even then of course it depends on the child and the schools available; it's not a guarantee. But you've got much more experience to draw on. When we were going into primary I felt like it was about what I wanted, in secondary I felt like it was much more able to be about what was good for them. (State school all, but not in the UK, though I went to school in the UK)

Ok I think you may find it helpful to reframe your thoughts on this and look at another point of view.

Private school is not necessarily better it is just different.

you are paying to open doors yes.

but what you get for free in a non-fee paying schools is generally a wider mix of people, probably more local which is great for friendships and a much wider understanding of society. You’re getting all that for free. In private school you are paying for some things but you are missing out on others.

yoh just have to work out what you value most. Personally I went to private school and yes it opens doors for some people but for many many others including myself it is detrimental and can knock self esteem. My children go to a local state school and if I want to spend money on their education I get them some tutoring before exams etc .i also had a tutor at private school because the teachers were rotten! I’m sure the results are so good because there is a lot of extra cash spent on tutors

Being a humble teacher, I could never have afforded private school for my 3. However, I was employed at a very prestigious and highly academic school when my eldest was about to start Secondary, and one of the perks was 75% fee remission. Had my eldest gone to the local state school, he would no doubt have fallen through the cracks, despite being extremely clever. He was shy, tall, musical, non-sporty, awkward and nerdy. The boys at the school were cocky, confident, surfer-types, and getting good marks was to be sneered at. At the independent school, he absolutely blossomed. In the top stream, he revelled in Latin and French, discovered traditional English ecclesiastical music in the chapel choir, became the school cross-country champion, and outstanding swimmer. His talent was picked early by the gruff Scottish sports master. In his final year he was Head of House - a much sought-after honour. His younger brother, chronically ill, struggled with attendance, spending more time in hospital than the classroom. He discovered English as a talent, though, and writes beautifully. DS2 hated being singled out, and no-one ever teased or embarrassed him. When it came to the compulsory whole-school cross-country event, the deputy-head would say..."I need four officials to collect and co-ordinate results. Hmm...Smith, Jones, Brown...oh and Glot...you'll all do." He was supported by the kind and intuitive staff in a manner for which I am forever grateful. He did win the Fly-tying cup! Fly-tying and fishing, which he did at the school, became a huge passion for him. DS1 was later singer and drummer in a very popular rock band at Uni, and taught himself to speak 4 languages as a hobby. Both boys became surfers in their late teens, and real party animals. I attribute it all to the school.

Yes, i’m talking about my DC, saying they don’t have that superior i’m smarter than anyone attitude. God forbid someone states a fact about their DC without being jumped on. State school kids achieve too, and absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of that as a parent. I won’t ever apologise for praising their efforts and ability, especially my DD who has been unwell and missed a lot of school year 7-9. I certainly did celebrate when she achieved 12 x grade 9’s and I don’t care if someone thinks it’s bragging. Bragging is surely when you praise your own achievement, her success if hers and as a parent surely you celebrate that. Not sure if it’s just UK culture where you can’t say your child has done well without being jumped on. Very odd.

Some state schools do a lot for Oxbridge applicants. My DD is in an Oxbridge group, started in year 12. The head of sixth form runs it and he went to Cambridge. He knows a lot about the process and it’s been really helpful for DD. Overall though yes, private schools do more to prepare, but there’s a lot of info online about the process / tests. Even on Tiktok etc, lots of students you can follow who talk you through it.

@Movingonfeelssad are you going to come back and actually explain what the issue is between you and your DH?

Why doesn't your husband want your child to attend the private school? Perhaps discussion on the pros and cons needs to be had in comparison? I personally would overrule my husband if it was the best fory child, and he didn't have a good reason. You obviously feel strongly about it.

OP if you are viewing this - all these anecdotes all come back to the point to forget about everything but simply to look at all schools, local and private and decide where is the place my child will be happiest. We did that. We saw about 15 schools for each child and weighed up the pros and cons of each. One of my friends simply gave her children complete choice over where they wanted to go. 2 ended up private as they wanted all girls schools and there were no state only girls schools nearby and the 3rd wanted to stay with his mates so went to the local comp. They are all happy and thriving. There is no right answer to what is individually best for your child.

Hi, private school mum here. You said you will wonder what doors private school could open, what did you mean by that?

From what I see a lot of people who have no experience of private school think it's all like the famous boarding schools and you'll meet aristos and get your foot in the door of a bank, but the vast majority of private schools are just normal run of the mill schools who rarely get anyone into Oxbridge even.

So unless you were planning to send your kid to Harrow or something you're not really missing out on door opening.

What private schools can provide (depending on the school) is single sex environment, better offering of extra curriculars, potentially better SEN provision, instilling better manners and confidence, probably less disruption in classes, and better food.

The teaching in private schools isn't much better than state schools, private schools that get impressive results are highly selective and have the advantage of smaller classes. If you are worried about academics you could get a tutor and maybe just do private school for A levels if your kid wants to go to uni?

Also for reference, my mother went to one of the "best" private schools in the world, yet never had a proper job and and has no money...

Welcome to the 93 soon to be 94/95 % club! That’s the percentage of children going to normal schools.
Welcome to sending your child to schools that are genuinely reflective of society, where money doesn’t always buy privilege, to opportunities that are increasingly closed off to private school children through widening participation schemes, to school populations where competition is real, where the children have all sorts of skills sets.
The number 1 most important influence in whether a child does well in education is their parent’s engagement in that education.

congrats!

Oh, and all your teachers will be properly qualified to teach, that’s another advantage…

I went to state school and have done better than all the people we used to hang around with that went to private school and I am in no way very well off, our combined household income still falls below £100k.

School means very little unless you are talking the elite of the elite and all the secret handshakes. As you yourself have proven, grit, determination and dedication stand you in far better stead! Out of the people we know, and some are rich, most who are the most well off had a state education (my husbands job means he works for a lot of very well off people) and DH son is in state education and smashing it, and I don’t say that just because I am biased 😂.

Really? Cos academies don't have to employ qualified teachers and over 80% of state secondary schools are academies.

This is such an outdated stereotype!

Are you aware of the huge recruitment + retention crisis in state schools? Many GCSE years aren't even taught by subject specialists, let alone other years!

Sorry to burst your bubble but wealthier people in state schools are far more privileged than rich people in private schools. Those children will have all that money not spent on the school fees spent on tutoring and extra curriculars. Oxbridge application- pay a specialist, struggling with Spanish- pay a specialist! the competition is absolutely not real- the children will be starting from completely different bases.

All that money saved on fees - here’s a lovely cheque for the money for the deposit for your first property.

Don’t worry about having to take a job through uni, we can cover it - just put all your efforts into study with all the money saved.

I 100% believe that when you put wealthier people into state schools, you reduce social mobility by a massive amount.

Yes, sorry still going through the responses, all helpful, thank you!

I think OP meant DH was giving her grief?

This is so true.

Around here the ‘cheap’ private schools boast massively about their excellent exam results, and they do get the best exam results in Scotland. The really hugely expensive schools don’t talk about exam results but the enrichment offerings (sports, debating society, range of subjects etc etc). The posher the school the less they care about academics. Probably as the parents are so rich their kids don’t need to get a good job to survive.

In my experience, my children (who attended state primary) were often taught by TAs - especially in the mixed year group classes. Now they are both at private secondary and the ‘teachers’ who are not by trade qualified teachers, normally have a PhD or extensive industry experience in their respective field. This compares to my friends’ experiences of the local state school, where teachers, albeit qualified, are often teaching the wrong subjects to cover deficits.

I appreciate this is anecdotal, but I know which system I think my children will do better from!

We sent our daughter to a private primary school and it was amazing for her. Small class sizes (no more than 14), permanent TA in all classes, incredible opportunities both inside and outside of the classroom. We have just moved her to a local state school for the start of year 4.

It wasn't a case that we could no longer afford it but we realised she was struggling when joining activities outside of school where class numbers were higher. Socially, she is incredibly confident but got very frustrated when faced with having to be heard when there were 30+ kids in the room.

The behaviour in her school was impeccable and apart from the odd normal child experience of falling out with friends there were no altercations in school. She absolutely freaked when something quite minor happened in a holiday club outside of school.

We realised then that as amazing as the school was it was not equipping her for outside life. She has always done lots of activities outside of school, dancing, swimming and drama but again class sizes were small.

It was an easy decision to make for her. It took her a couple of weeks to settle in but she is now thriving. Loves her new school and new friends and is much happier in scenarios of lots of people in one room.

Private school can open lots of doors but so can state school if the parents are behind their children, allowing them to explore and experience lots of things

We have said that if her grades start to slip from where they were (performing at 2 school years above her age) then we would get private tutors for her but her new school is pushing her to continue achieving but without the pressure, despite not being the best state school in the area.

There are benefits to private school but there are also a lot of benefits for state school too

Couldn't agree more with this. 'Jayden with his half shaved head', FFS.
I don't have kids, but if I did I'd absolutely want them to realise that there are all sorts of different backgrounds and that a lot of people struggle, for various reasons, with various things. And I'd want them to have the compassion, imagination and resilience to be able to make connections with anyone, or at the very least not to judge and shun people for their names or appearance or backgrounds.

Are you serious?

If you do genuinely need it explained to you, then OK:
It's an example of another offensive stereotype, to point up why the Jayden one is offensive.