Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Lmao you think kids in independent schools are all 1 homogenous group with no differences?
25% are on fee assistance and hence fro lower income households
20-25% are SEND
Many are international ie from other cultures and ethnicities.

Our local state secondary is 99.2% white British. DDs independent school is 71% white British with the remaining % from all over the globe + backgrounds

What about why Jayden attacks your child? What are you going to do then? Because that’s what happened to my child and the state school had no power to do anything about it whatsoever.

Where people have decent state school options, private doesn’t add nearly as much as people think it does.

The absolute main drivers of success are parental education and success (and, according to Freakonomics, number of books in the house).

If you have two successful professional parents, odds are that their children will be similarly successful, regardless of school.

A lot of wealthy successful professional choose private and, especially, highly selective private. So it is no wonder these schools produce successful alumni. People mistake the causative factor here.

It is one thing having compassion for other children and making friends whatever the background. It is another thing though to force your child to go to a school where there is a high level of disruption and where they can’t achieve the grades they could because there is are children disturbing the lesson. If state schools had a zero tolerance to bad behaviour then I would understand but they don’t and can’t. For some parents choosing private school is a way of ensuring that their children can maximise their potential. It is obviously very school/area dependant but the idea that state schools are all calm, cohesive places where people of all demographics happily rub alongside each other is not true.

my friend who teaches, told me that at the end of last year 2 boys got into a massive fight in the middle of the class as one cracked a joke about the other’s mum. The whole lesson was disrupted and nothing was taught whilst it all got sorted out. I can absolutely understand why people would reluctantly pay to avoid that

Where we live, there are some very competitive private schools and I think these sorts of schools can be very harmful to children's welfare, particularly at primary/prep level. While there is an argument for selection/extreme academic rigour at senior school, and this is the level where private school can be very advantageous for children if they attend a school that suits them, this doesn't apply to little children though who should be playing and having a largely stress-free childhood.

I can understand paying for better facilities and lots of activities to give your children a lovely, rounded education when they're little, although it's not necessarily the best investment imo given the money can be spent on other things. But the 4+, 7+ and highly selective junior schools leave me baffled. Why would people pay to stress out their young kids (and pay again for tutoring in many cases)? These kids should be out playing.

I wasn't posting about the issue of children being attacked, just about the poster's seeming inability to comprehend why someone wrote the 'Milo' post.

I don't have an 'idea that state schools are all calm, cohesive places where people of all demographics happily rub alongside each other' That's precisely what my post meant.

But I do think all schools should be state and therefore available to all. And they should be given much more funding so they can attract and keep the best staff and offer the best facilities, so that people of all demographics are supported to achieve and behave at their best and CAN happily rub alongside each other.

Having fee-paying schools just entrenches difference, and widens gulfs in achievement and opportunity.

Phoenixfire1988 · Yesterday 23:36
You're insufferable in real life aren't you ! Nothing like a humble brag "I earn so much I can afford private school" kindly ( or not) fuck off

What do you think of the posters on here boasting about their DC’s’ academic achievements? That’s pretty insufferable too.

Having fee-paying schools just entrenches difference, and widens gulfs in achievement and opportunity.

@LittleBitofBread most of the posts are saying state schools are better and private schools just for thick Milo. Since private schools are so inferior why will their existence ’widen Gulfs in achievement and opportunity’?

But that’s never going to happen.

if you closed private schools tomorrow - what will result over the next 10 years?

wealthier people who would have gone private will all move into certain areas around certain schools. The demographic of those schools will be on average wealthier. The PTa will raise huge amounts of funds to invest in the facilities of that school so that they have better equipment. Parents of those schools will offer their middle class services - talks/ work experience opportunities etc. tutoring will explode and be rife. All those children will still do all the amazing extra curriculars - They will become private schools by stealth using house prices as the entry criteria.

what do you think will happen to the other schools?

On a micro scale that was the case for my children’s London state primary quite a few years ago now. It was actually very diverse due to a mix of social housing and expensive houses and it was lovely. It was a small 2 form entry school but that school could raise £30k easily via the PTA per year due to generosity of parents and highly motivated professional parents. There were plenty of parents who got involved. They also had occasional fundraisers for specific projects such as converting a temporary classroom in to a permanent structure. Some parents were donating £1k each!

And what about state schools like this one?
It was Labour who are making independent schools MORE elitist: they got rid of the Assisted places scheme and now VAT is turfing out the lowe income families.
Here is snippet from court judgement which shows diversity does/did exist within independent schools.

There is huge wealth inequality in state schools eg £2m house prices in catchments of best state schools, PTAs which raise 100s of £1000s each year etc. According to Sutton Trust the top 200 state schools are as "privileged" as the top public schools. You ars focusing on 1 tiny sector eg independent schools and ignoring the existing inequality in state schools. Same old same old. Blame independent schools whilst taking no action to improve state schools.

In other words this is a non problem only in your head. FFS

I am just going to say it. I don’t want my children to judge other people and I want them to understand that people struggle. However, in THEIR formative years it’s much more important that they get on and have the building blocks for THEIR lives cos sure as shit no one else is going to help them do that when they are older no matter how compassionate or empathetic they are. And that will be key for their life going forward.

I genuinely don’t understand why people get so angry and/or defensive about where other people’s children go to school.

How many people actually have the choice of private or a sink schools, though?

This is a trope perpetuated on these threads.

The vast majority of those who send their children private live in nice houses in nice areas with…..nice state schools.

And in most state schools, the top sets have few behavioural issues.

Of course there are outliers, but they are few and far between.

We have a serious issue with education in this country but the upper middle classes mainly duck it either via private or decent state.

There was a thread on here yesterday about a 17 year old shoplifting and so many said he was being ‘daft’ and suggesting a calm chat. It really is no wonder that adolescents don’t respect school as a source of authority.

Me!
Choice of state secondary = 20% of Yr 11s come out with 5 x GCSEs grade 5+ OR independent school

Are you aware of huge regional discrepancies across UK eg NE has yet again come bottom of table for GCSE + A Level results. London again has come out top.

There were a post upthread commenting on how the 'rich' parents in an area had got involved in a low achieving school and it was now one of the highest achieving. I can't find it to quote.

So while everyone is busy bashing wealth inequality and unfair schooling maybe also think about why those people are rich and how they are improving the school. It's not luck, they work hard, instil good values, absolutely support the behaviour code of conduct in schools and support the teachers. That's what happens in private schools.

There seems to be a feeling that those parents who care and make a difference should be used to improve standards for those who don't. A bit like sitting the nice quiet kid in between 2 really badly behaved ones in school as happened to me. Yes the behaviour of the two badly behaved ones improves, but the quiet one is disadvantaged. That's not equality.

Because people judge parents who use independent schools. They don't only judge us, they feel entitled to call us and our children vile names. Purely based on the type of school we choose
So yeh we get defensive!

Just like to point out that TA taught my DS for a while and was every bit as capable as a teacher.

@twistyizzy ,

‘Are you aware of huge regional discrepancies across UK eg NE has yet again come bottom of table for GCSE + A Level results. London again has come out top.’

Isn’t that just a wealth map?

The concerning thing is that education is so highly correlated with wealth.

The word equality is used as a stick to beat "others" with. It also drags everything down to the lowest common denominator instead of raising standards upwards.
In any case, it's a load of bullshit. Life isn't equal and never will be. Children who come from a household with 2 parents working are at an immediate advantage no matter what school they go to. So shall we ban that?

Well that’s fine. If you have kids send them whatever you like. Parents who use private schools don’t care what other people do. Each to their own.

The hypocrisy is outstanding on this thread.
Grammar, tutors, moving for better catchments are all fine seemingly.

No, it's chronic under investment in education budgets in NE . The most deprived areas in London have better state schools than many OK areas in NE.
Phillipson scrapped the Eton Star academy in NE which could have been instrumental in improving aspiration in some of these deprived NE areas.

Children from NE are less likely to go to university (and especially RG or elite universities) than nearly anywhere else in England.

The concerning thing is that education is so highly correlated with wealth.

@Newbutoldfather what do you think is the solution?

education is connected with wealth to an extent but I think that is only a very small part of it.

yes there is inherited generational wealth but a high amount of accumulated wealth is earned. That is the point of working. You work hard at school, statistically you are going to amass more wealth over your lifetime. Not everyone but an average.

educated people tend to pass on the knowledge, experience and work ethic to their children. Not all, but on average.

therefore the good education of children is often hugely correlated to good education of parents (and their likely genetic predisposition to be more academically able on average since academic ability is often inherited) and the wealth is secondary.

it why you see generation after generation of doctors for instance.