Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

That’s true, and also so nice there is a family trust

I couldn't care less what uni my kids eventually go to - they may choose not to go down that route. I send them to private school because we can just about afford to with various discounts and tightening of belts and we feel their school life is perhaps happier- thriving rather than surviving in a big comp with huge class sizes and disruptive kids. They get to play sport every day and their life is really pleasant. They understand they are privileged and no doubt they would be fine at the local comp. However there is hardly any sport there, no extras and some of the children's behaviour is off the scale. So we chose private for them to enjoy a nice calm environment filled with activities they love. They are both bright and I'm sure their exam results would be similar at the local state school so I'm not sending them private so they get amazing grades and What uni they goe to- I don't care - I just want them to love school and learning and have fun!

I do think if you want them to go to Oxbridge private schools really help. There was one person from my failing state school who applied to go to Oxford and the school had no idea the application process was different, they knew nothing about the entrance tests or interview or how to help the student prepare for them. Unsurprisingly they didn’t get in.

My child’s private school run a series of seminars about getting into Oxbridge (which is really over the top in my opinion!) and lots of preparing the student etc.

Ofsted grading is about ‘distance travelled’ by a school. So a rough school, which seems to be moving upwards may receive outstanding, as opposed to a school that has always been good, remaining good - the latter may get better key stage two results. It’s very confusing and why you cannot trust ‘Ofsted Outstanding’ it’s better to look on https://www.compare-school-performance.service.gov.uk and then click on primary - so you can compare key stage 2 results. Lots of schools in rough areas are considered outstanding based on distance the school has travelled, so results are deemed outstanding for that area/socio economic blend.

One of mine went to private school and he doesn't have as good a life as his brother who went to the comp.

This is such a nice post. Its how I feel as well.
I have doubts that one of my DC will decide to go to uni at all. I hope he will and will encourage him to but if he decides its not for him and as long as he has a path to follow to get him to wherever he decides to go, that is fine with me.

For now as long as he's thriving and happy in secondary school, is actively involved in sports and enjoying learning, I'm happy. He knows that he is lucky to be where he is.

Some children thrive in Private School, can network in with other aspiring families etc and climb a ladder that is a lot harder for state school pupils. Smaller class sizes and extra opportunities.
Not all thrive though, I know some that went to private / grammar and ended up in basic jobs, missed their friends, hated the relentless pressure and the freedom of state school. Also, crucially the gritted drive that comes from going to state school is something to be considered. State Schools have gone up a lot and are competitive, better students = better grades = better staff / retention = relaxed students with continuity = even better grades on the Progress 8 score etc.

On the flip side, State Schools are being asked to be everything / Inclusive with even less money and facilities, yes you hear it everyday but seeing it everyday it can be shocking / Parents are struggling too. Private and State schools have to basically be businesses now, Secondaries have FCOO (Financial Controllers), which should say a lot. Many Private school parents are feeling the pinch and looking to very good state schools, the competition is fierce.

personally I would say if you can (good for you), have a good look and also at grammar or good state schools. Check if you need any special entry requirements (musical ability / is it religious etc).

Take your child too and what do they like.

Very true.

The best option is a reasonably good comprehensive with an amazing performing top set.

That is the door opener as the kids in the top set will be contextualised against the very broad attainment levels of kids across all sets (so if it's a large-ish comp, even better). Whereas potentially the worst would be for a bright kid to be at an academic indie (that is not Eton or Westminster etc) as they will be contextualised against their cohort. Slightly crazy as the indie would have had a selective intake, but there you go.

Good state or reasonable state with amazing top set results if your child is bright and able. You then get the opportunity for outreach programmes (only available to state school students) and you will not be compared against the top set (even though you will likely mainly be spending time with them) but the other 8-9 sets. No brainer.

Unless we're talking awful state school with behaviour problems.

Speaking as a mum of kids who have been to both state and private (private for secondary).

Why should going to private school automatically open doors? That's the problem right there. It's all based on status over merit, and that's why you're upset. Maybe he will have to earn his success like you did. He will be in a far more privileged position than most anyway to start out.

Private school is excellent value for money if it suits your child, you will never regret the investment. It was a huge struggle for us and a huge sacrifice for us as a family but my goodness it has reaped untold rewards for my son. If I had my time over again I would not change a thing. My care home prospects are improving year upon year!!

A good private school is worth every penny. A mediocre one will actually be detrimental to your child.

But I suspect this thread is not really about the private school.

@Movingonfeelssad you should not feel anything but proud of what you have achieved. Not arrogant - no matter how hard you have worked your success is at least 50% luck, - but proud.

Send your child to private school if that matters to you. Tell DH to deal with it.

Dont be such a sefish idiot. How lucky are you.

Nothing wrong with having a dream and working towards it and feeling upset when you have to let that dream go.

Erm if 68% of successful applicants are from private school then a very clear majority are private school educated. At our prep school there is a massive focus on gaining test scores for secondary’s that have the highest Oxbridge rates, they are also usually the most expensive, too. So yes, I think lots of parents are definitely entertaining the years of fee paying, in the hope of Oxbridge. Of course that doesn’t mean that all PS kids are up to it.

Private schools kids do better more because of the better peer group than teachers, resources, class sizes etc. Studies show that a child’s peer group is hugely important in moulding their personality and outlook. At a typical state school you’ll have some kids who enjoy learning, some who hate it, and some others in the middle. The lack of discipline or valuing of high achievement is what does for many.

OP, unless there’s a particular reason your DC needs private education (such as they would really benefit from smaller class sizes due to SEN for example) or the local state school has a reputation for a real bullying problem or something; then all the canny parents seem to pay for tutoring instead.

Put them in the local state and save your money for extra private one to one tutoring at home for the most needed GCSE and A Level subjects. Then your child will likely get similar academic results to a private school education, you’ll save money overall and many top universities seem to prioritise entry of state school students over private ones now anyway. It’s perhaps an unfair way of cheating the system but lots of parents seem to do it if they can.

I was simply struck by the irony of you saying “best of all, very modest with it”.

Our local private school is the worst in the county for drugs… privileged kids who’s parents throw money at them.. I don’t think private school is all what it’s cracked up to be.

TBH as someone who has been to all three types of school- comprehensive, grammar (selective) and private to tell the truth there is a great difference between comprehensive and the other two, but very little between selective state schools and private- the opening of doors you are talking about only applies to the very top eschelon-Harrow, Eton, Charterhouse Marlborough etc- this is to do with the people you meet not the education you receive, and does not apply to 905 of private schools.

funny, I agree completely with @User21548967

i am not paying for my kids to have a certain income.i pay the fees to ensure they have a full, enriching education suited to their specific needs and interests. No signs that either of mine are Oxbridge bound, and just fine with that.

I read years ago that the most influential factor in determining a child’s academic success is the level of its mothers academic achievement. So by that criteria your kids should be fine.

Leave the insecure man child and educate your kids how you want t

Another influential factor is maternal age which is another berated topic on MN.

I think this is right. Playing a decent game of rugby or tennis; learning a musical instrument and joining the orchestra or band or singing in a choir; joining CCF; recording an album in the recording studio; choosing exam subjects which are of interest (Latin, Ancient Greek, Drama) rather than default STEM (because those subjects get you a job with a big salary) are reasons why they want a private school education. The really wealthy want their children to have breadth of interest and aren’t trapped in the ‘exam, exam, exam’ grammar school mentality. They expect good grades but education is seen as more than this. It is a different perspective and I feel the difference is becoming more and more stark. What you see as best depends on your personal values, I guess. Disconcerting when you realise your values are not valued by all.

Your husband is not supportive of you. He is a jealous ........ (fill in the blanks).