Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

If you live in the right postcodes.

Exactly. I dread to think what my sister spent on school fees! She’s very much a keep up with the Jones type person though.

@Buddingbudde - depends how one defines it, I suppose. I don't consider myself to be 'cleverer' than my cleaner, for example - she speaks three languages fluently, which I could only dream of doing!

On paper, I am more successful in career terms yes. But I think in many ways that's down to the different hands life has dealt us. Part of that is the advantage I had with my education... I wouldn't for a second automatically say I'm cleverer than she is.

The same here.

But unless she has asked you for a loan, why do you dread to think about it?’She could have fluttered that money away gambling. Then you’d have a reason to dread how much she’d wasted.

At the age of 11 my best friend went off to private school and I stayed in state school. We were very similar children from the same demographic although her family were better off than mine. We ended up getting the same A level grades and studying at the same university.
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I really disagree that this is always the case. My own son was relentlessly bullied in his private school. I had no choice but to move him after 3 years. He was eventually stabbed trying stop the bullying of another child.
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Of the 25 odd kids I’ve known since being a mum that went to private school - only one has had the stellar adult life that I think many who make the financial sacrifice hope for
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in fact if you put all those kids into the local state school my money is even more of then will get into Oxbridge than they do now.

Those are a very small selection of comments on what a waste of money private schools are.
That’s fine, but if private schools are not only inferior but also extremely expensive, why the desire to ban them? (Also they offer an opportunity to sneer and deride rich people wasting their money and their thick, entitled children).

So you’re one of the 93% of however many it is who send their DC to a state school.

You seem obsessed with Oxford.

Maybe you measure success and education that way, not all of us do. It's more important for me that my child is happy at school because a happy child will more easily fulfill their potential anyway.
I don't judge her success merely on grades and which university she ends up at.

That's exactly it. Mostly well behaved, well mannered,confident children. I never hear screaming and see the running around chaos that I do in state. It opens doors because you are surrounded by other motivated, successful people and haven't got Jayden with his half shaved head causing disruption in the corner. It's not about the Eton network, it's about small, focused, motivated classes building well rounded children.

My kids got top grades in state school, DD quite literally, she got 12 x grade 9’s. Maybe private school would open some more connections, but to be honest, they won’t need it as both incredibly driven and intelligent, and best of all, very modest with it.

No you've got Milo with his floppy hair sharing his class A drugs instead.

Shall we stop with the offensive stereotypes?

Shall we stop with the offensive stereotypes

Why write one if you’re opposed to them?

I’m honestly struggling to understand, you can afford to send your child to private school and really want this for them, have worked hard and thrived for this.. but you now won’t because of your husband’s pride? That is utterly ridiculous. I know private schools aren’t always popular on MN, but I send my DD to one, and my advice would be: if you can afford it, do it. Obviously, some schools are better than others, but what I’ve found is that her school provides a real sense of community built on respect, kindness, and encouraging independence. It’s not just about academics, they nurture confidence and individual strengths, whether academic or not. They can do this because they have better resources, more staff, and better facilities…on a completely different level to state schools. Private education offers so much more than classroom learning, the opportunities, friendships (also no disruptions in class), trips, and extra-curricular activities are amazing. When I compare her school with the state school I attended, the difference is night and day.

The fact of the matter is (although many on this would attempt to disagree) private schools are better than state schools. So my advice remains the same, if you can afford it, go for it. Your husband needs to put his ego aside and recognise that this could be the best choice for your child’s future.

Exactly this 👏🏻 My state grammar school was excellent for the area in Bucks, but i actually hated it for so many reasons including the fact that a lot of the teenage boys were immature and disruptive.

I was studious and probably considered a swot by those boys, some of whom were quite nasty and a bit bullying.

In hindsight, I'd have been better suited to the top girls' state grammar down the road which might not have had so many pupils who didn’t care about learning.

My DD is conversely thriving at an all girls private school, and tte atmosphere of the school is very conducive to studying well. Small classes, only 6 in her French GCSE class, and such devoted encouragement from the teachers.

The difference even between a very good state grammar school and a private one is huge.

It's nof offensive. Most schools probably hsve their faults - even private (!!) But the calmer atmosphere at my DD's private school is so much better for them and really noticeable.

Maybe those of us with the view that private is about long term mental wellbeing, positive school memories and a love of long term learning are a different breed of privileged.
It’s not about grades, future schools or connections. It’s about childhood.

Well said 👏
Mental health and wellbeing is more important to us than grades.

Labour govt policy is to discriminate against private school education. Your child will be better off not going.

My DP went to private school the same amount of time. He has never worked above minimum wage, labour intensive jobs whilst I went to the local state school and have a great carer, well paid with lots of opportunity for progression.

I think the issue was his lack of motivation, no real worry about having to do well as his parents would always support him financially, versus my experience growing up and seeing my parents struggle with very little money which instilled a hunger in me to do well.

Sod your husband, if I could have afforded it I would have sent my daughter to private school, it opens so many doors not just through actual exam results.

Your post doesn’t really explain why private school isn’t possible……is it your husbands pride and resentment of you earning more than him that rules it out? Or does he disagree on principle?

Look, putting aside my personal ambivalence about private education- I think it’s overrated and doesn’t always lead to the magnificent outcomes people expect it to- you two need to have a grown up conversation about it, unpick his reluctance and come to a decision based on reason and logic, not his fragile ego .

And this is why I am ideologically opposed to private schooling. I want my child to connect with, understand and most of all respect people from all walks of life. Not to judge people by their name, hairstyle or background. Yes there may be a little disruption, some kids that may not have the most supportive home life, or have struggles but I want my child to see this and not be socially segregated. I fail to see how a child can be well rounded if being schooled in a bubble of privilege.

Hi, this an extremely odd post. In the same vein as this post I could write, ‘ I am slowly coming to the realisation that I can’t give my child a mansion to live in and pony. As a self made person from an underprivileged background I really wanted to give my kids the best’. It’s kind of silly, hey we all want to have lots of money and give our kids ‘the best’🤷🏼‍♀️ . But to then come here and say it out loud ( as it were), in a place where many many people will have children who don’t go to private school is slightly delusional, childish and narcissistic . Everyone’s kids deserve the best just as much as yours, because no doubt they’ve worked they’re bums off too, all their lives. We’re all ‘self made’ in one form or another. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’ve taken crack.

If I had the funds I’d pay private, does anyone else need to know who pays? It’s not their business

Me too! Ditto many of my friends 😂