Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Plenty of people choose private for all sorts of reasons which has been explored on many threads. I wanted a school that could provide before, during and after school sports plus every Saturday morning sports. That was the deciding factor in the end as our local comp, whilst very good, barely had a sports programme. I knew it was a big deal to my children and probably more important than their academic grades so we had to pay for it. Would have preferred not to.

If this is the case you need to get a backbone, and he needs to get a grip. Both of these are bigger issues and will call cause more problems than what school your child
goes to…

But you could say the same about everything.

I know people who go on multiple holidays for the entire summer. People who live in beautiful villages. People whose kids go to pony club. People with huge houses and sports cars.

There will always be something you’d like but don’t have. That doesn’t mean we don’t want others to have them either.

I wish we had family money and socialised with people from wealthier backgrounds. I’m too busy working to pay the fees! In about 7 years I think I have met about 5 other parents regularly and that’s only on sports sidelines. I think I can only name 1 of them!

@clockandstagger - I don't think anyone on here is in 'simpering admiration' of private schools, and anyone who judges anyone as a 'better class' over another would be a horrible person!

But to suggest a private education doesn't - in many cases - offer advantages over a state education, as many on here seem to be arguing, just isn't correct.

All this 'my friend went to private school and is now in a menial job' or 'I went to a rough comp and am now very successful' are personal experiences. But you just have to look at the exam stats to see the overall picture in the UK. Is this system fair? Not at all. But that is the landscape, unfortunately...

At the age of 11 my best friend went off to private school and I stayed in state school. We were very similar children from the same demographic although her family were better off than mine. We ended up getting the same A level grades and studying at the same university. I think private school can be a monumental waste of money for kids from middle or upper class families living somewhere where good state schools are available.

You say you don’t have ‘skin in the game’ but you are coming across as having a chip on your shoulder tbh.

I’ve never heard of this, sounds really interesting. Is it only select schools?

I could afford it at a stretch but don’t feel the exhorbitant fees represent value for money in terms of the benefit they would get. Instead I’m putting some money away in a stocks and shares ISA each month so that he’ll have a nice big lump sum when the time comes - that way he can use the money for a house deposit, university fees or any kind of course/training he needs for the future. Would this be a reasonable compromise for you?

I really disagree that this is always the case. My own son was relentlessly bullied in his private school. I had no choice but to move him after 3 years. He was eventually stabbed trying stop the bullying of another child. The private school did absolutely nothing as they need bums on seats to survive these days.

I moved him to the only local school with space - good Ofsted but terrible rep, people were horrified. It was the making of him, he did very well at GCSE and the pastoral and wellbeing support was fantastic.

They are independent grind schools. . Many of the kids in private school go to them too.! They are usually on during school breaks but are on weekends too.

Why do people keep posting on rage bait threads where “OP” is never going to return 🙄

Private school parent here.
Similar opportunities can be recreated by tutoring, joining clubs such as scouts and sports clubs and by learning an instrument.
Also go on educational holidays: a week in Rome, visit museums and take up skiing.
Private school makes it a lot easier as all these opportunities are provided in the long school day and Saturday morning so no need for us to do much outside school.
But it would be possible to recreate.

I live in Oxfordshire and many private schools around here run GCSE and A-level cramming courses over the Easter holidays. Anyone can book their children onto them. Sometimes they are for day pupils (you go in each day), and some are residential (your child will board there).

I sent my eldest son on a two week boarding course to help improve his GCSE grades. He was academically clever and had aspirations, but needed the discipline of private school to get him to knuckle-down a bit more and learn exam techniques. It made a massive difference to his grades and gave him the skills to go on to ace his A-levels, too. He's a qualified engineer now.

Many private schools run them as it's a good way of making extra money out of term time.

you can't say that most children in private school have the ability to be accepted at Oxbridge,

and at the same time say that your core intellectual ability is not changed by the school.

Yes, everyone starts at the same level but the difference in education means the ones in private (not all private..) are miles ahead. It's not about being "clever", being wealthy doesn't make you especially more clever (no one mentions the Royal Family and their grades on here, thank you 😂), but it's about a better education.

There are a lot of ways to raise a happy, confident child with good future prospects. I dont put private school on the list at all.

I was recently at what would be considered one of the poshest boarding schools for a visit. I was surprised how many London accents I heard - and I don’t mean posh London. I also know that the day schools churn out kids who do their best to sound ‘street’ so you’re possibly wasting your cash if you are sending DC private to sound polished. They will probably have more sport and drama and music and a wider variety of clubs at an independent school. The teachers are not necessarily better at all but they are largely unburdened by having to restrain pupils who throw chairs across the room.

Are your kids in private schools?

Why? Those 2 things are not mutually exclusive.
Have you looked at the stats- St Paul’s boys 91% were A*A. So most of that school are straight A’s! The school did not turn average children into academic machines . Most of those kids can teach themselves if needed to.

i don’t have any stats but would hazard a guess that wealthier people, on average are academically cleverer. Academic ability runs in genetically plus parents who are educated will be passing on work ethic and knowledge to their children as well. I would also expect more academic children to earn more over their lifetime and for that wealth to perpetuate. You might not like it but that is what I have seen played out. Children don’t enter schools equal.

Plenty of good state schools where going private wouldn't be good value for money. Far better to save the money towards a flat deposit in future

Interesting.
I had two dcs both at state school and then private.
dc1 was getting bullied and finally found his feet ‘as a nerd’ at his private school. Hed have been confident at the end of secondary in state. But not happy.
dc2… was the quiet child no one ever noticed. Absolutely not confident. Shy, not speaking at all. He came out confident, happy from his years at his private school and with much better prospect than if left in state school. Fwiw at last parent evening in his state school teachers actually apologised to him first having ignored him and not supported to acheive his potential (yes they just had an OFSTED review). That was a true picture imo and would have carried on if he had stayed there.

So for us, private was what allowed both dcs to become happy, confident and fulfilling their abilities.
Both at Uni now, doing very well, good Uni and more importantly happy in themselves.

So … my experience is that they spend a hell of a lot of time at school. You can put a lot of effort into cultivating indeoendence, self confidence etc…. outside school (which we had btw) but saying that the place they spend most if the day at has little impact is naive to say the least.

@BananaPeels - really uncomfortable with the sentiment that 'wealthier people, on average, are cleverer.' They've had more advantages in life, yes. That's different.

Yes the boys at St Paul's WILL be bright - it's academically very selective. But put one of those clever boys at a school with a -1.5 progress 8 score, are they just as likely to get Astars and an Oxbridge offer? Of course not, come on...!

As long as those good state schools are available around where you live.
There are no grammar around us. State isn’t great all.
So saying there are ‘plenty’ is naive and only reflecting your own environment.

That, ofc, doesn’t include the fact you might have children who will benefit from another calmer environment, smaller classes, etc etc….

On average wealthier people will be cleverer though. It’s a fact that a large part of what people are paid is down to their intelligence. Like it or not we can all agree cleverer people are - on average - paid more.

Er, no they haven't.

The nasty cravens are out in force today.