Page 9 | Looking after grandchild

icravestardamage · 2025-09-16T10:51:55+00:00

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon. When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do. I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work. Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone. I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house. I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

arcticpandas · 16/09/2025 15:48

suffedpeppers · 16/09/2025 14:07

That’s bloody shocking ,spying on someone without their knowledge,complete invasion of privacy. You either trust someone or not !

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I agree. And tbf she was a bit embarrassed about it but said she was too anxious to leave the baby with Mil if not. Turns out Mil was a great carer (which most Mil are imo).

BlossomOfOrange · 16/09/2025 15:49

Just do it completely her way. It will go a long way to improving your relationship and this may open up opportunities eg family days out etc. if you want those things you need your son’s gf on side. Going to her house is not a hardship, and may not be a forever commitment.

Pushing against her wishes could very likely end up with her saying you looking after the baby won’t work and weaken your connection with your son’s family.

just support the new mother in your family who needs help returning to work. Make them dinners etc. be the one they want to have around

Anxioustealady · 16/09/2025 15:50

HeddaGarbled · 16/09/2025 12:29

Every single one of my friends who provides regular childcare for grandchildren (as opposed to occasional/emergency babysitting), a parent drops the child off to the grandparents’ house on their way to work and collects at the end of the day. No exceptions. The grandparents are providing a massive favour and the parents bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible for them.

It's always framed as a massive favour, but many grandparents would say "she's not letting us see the baby/bond with them" if they weren't asked.

Timeforabitofpeace · 16/09/2025 15:58

It’s plainly a favour, unless the recipient feels entitled.

suffedpeppers · 16/09/2025 16:04

Anxioustealady · 16/09/2025 15:50

It's always framed as a massive favour, but many grandparents would say "she's not letting us see the baby/bond with them" if they weren't asked.

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It’s a massive commitment taking on childcare and it’s tiring and dare I say it ,pretty mind numbing for up to 10 hours a day! Absolutely adore my grandchildren and help out a lot and generally enjoy the time with them .
Please don’t frame it as if the parents are doing grandparents a massive favour in ‘allowing’ them to provide free childcare.
Thankfully my daughter really appreciates all the help she gets from us and her MIL and doesn’t patronise us .

Skyflymom · 16/09/2025 16:06

You are doing them a favour, they can't expect to dictate the terms. I am in a similar position, I look after my precious grandson 2 days a week on my days off and I absolutely love having him (though it is exhausting!) I couldn't even comprehend being away from my own home. I have things I need to catch up with on my days off so my son drops him off and picks him up as luckily he passes the area on his way to work. We've had to child proof the house again (I've got 5 grown up kids) and I've pretty much got everything here that he needs including pushchair, car seat and high chair so they don't even need to pack him a bag. My grandson loves coming to me and I feel honoured to have been asked to help out but there's no way I would have agreed to do it at their house.

Anxioustealady · 16/09/2025 16:08

suffedpeppers · 16/09/2025 16:04

It’s a massive commitment taking on childcare and it’s tiring and dare I say it ,pretty mind numbing for up to 10 hours a day! Absolutely adore my grandchildren and help out a lot and generally enjoy the time with them .
Please don’t frame it as if the parents are doing grandparents a massive favour in ‘allowing’ them to provide free childcare.
Thankfully my daughter really appreciates all the help she gets from us and her MIL and doesn’t patronise us .

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I didn't say the parents were doing the grandparents a favour, but I think if you'd be upset not to get time with your grandchildren it's worth remembering that and trying to work something out that suits everyone, vs "I'm doing you a massive favour therefore I'm going to lord it over you and dictate".

It goes both ways.

Loubylie · 16/09/2025 16:17

ThejoyofNC · 16/09/2025 12:00

She's asking you for quite a significant favour. You are entitled to agree do it on your own terms, you don't just have to agree to everything she demands.

"No sorry, that won't work for me. It's my only day off and I'll still have things to get done. I'd love to have baby but I'll need to collect them and take them home with me."

Yes. Say this. You are doing them a HUGE favour. You would obviously prefer to be in your own home where you can get on with stuff as well as look after the baby. If she wants it all in her house on her terms, she needs to pay a nanny.

caringcarer · 16/09/2025 16:18

It makes sense for baby to be in it's own home with all of its own things to hand. Your Dil trust's you to care for her baby or she wouldn't have asked you. As a new Mum it's only natural she wants baby close
to her. Over time she will relax when she sees her baby is happy with you. Give her time and don't put pressure on her.

samlett · 16/09/2025 16:19

They're being ridiculous. If they want you to look after their baby you should be able to do it in your own home. You're not a full-time servant to the baby, you're a grandmother doing them a favour and you should be able to get on with things you'd do in your own home while you look after your grandchild.

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 16:20

Namechangerage · 16/09/2025 15:16

Why would you be bored silly? Can’t you take a book/kindle/ipad etc? Watch their TV, do a bit of gardening if they have a garden? What would you be doing at home that you couldn’t do at theirs?

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@Namechangerage

cleaning, doing little jobs, putting a wash on, gardening in own garden, tidying, etc etc etc
Presumably all the stuff she normally does at home on her days off. Is that not obvious??

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 16:22

BlossomOfOrange · 16/09/2025 15:49

Just do it completely her way. It will go a long way to improving your relationship and this may open up opportunities eg family days out etc. if you want those things you need your son’s gf on side. Going to her house is not a hardship, and may not be a forever commitment.

Pushing against her wishes could very likely end up with her saying you looking after the baby won’t work and weaken your connection with your son’s family.

just support the new mother in your family who needs help returning to work. Make them dinners etc. be the one they want to have around

Edited

be their slave basically

@BlossomOfOrange

why should Op have to work so bloody hard just to be accepted??

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 16:24

whattheysay · 16/09/2025 15:32

No doubt it works for HER 🙄
She doesn’t want to drive 30 minutes extra in the morning and after work lugging all her baby’s stuff around. Good for her she wants it all on her terms. But, you know, if she wants the FREE childcare then maybe she’s not in a position to demand what she wants. She can pay for it then.
It’s the daughter in law who needs the childcare so maybe she should decide how much she wants it.

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@Whateverwillwedonow

she doesn’t need to drive an extra 30 mins. Op has already said she’d be happy to go and collect baby to bring back to hers. If she doesn’t want Op to drive with her child in the car then that’s her lookout.

Original poster

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 16:25

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 16:22

be their slave basically

@BlossomOfOrange

why should Op have to work so bloody hard just to be accepted??

Edited

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Because I'm the mother-in-law and we always have to work twice as hard to be a part of the family!

OP posts:

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 16:29

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 16:25

Because I'm the mother-in-law and we always have to work twice as hard to be a part of the family!

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So true!

thing47 · 16/09/2025 16:29

Skyflymom · 16/09/2025 16:06

You are doing them a favour, they can't expect to dictate the terms. I am in a similar position, I look after my precious grandson 2 days a week on my days off and I absolutely love having him (though it is exhausting!) I couldn't even comprehend being away from my own home. I have things I need to catch up with on my days off so my son drops him off and picks him up as luckily he passes the area on his way to work. We've had to child proof the house again (I've got 5 grown up kids) and I've pretty much got everything here that he needs including pushchair, car seat and high chair so they don't even need to pack him a bag. My grandson loves coming to me and I feel honoured to have been asked to help out but there's no way I would have agreed to do it at their house.

This nails the situation 100%. My timing is exactly the same as this - work 3 days a week, have GC 2 days a week. I have things I need to do which may include washing,.cleaning, shopping, sorting out bills and invoices (i work for myself), gardening and other household tasks which I can't do when I'm at work.

I therefore need to be at my house, not someone else's. The alternative would be to only have GC for 1 day so I had a day free to do all those things. But who would benefit from that? I would see GC less, her parents would be faced with the stress of finding alternative childcare for one day a week and GC would miss out on being spoiled by her grandmother...

MyRealCoralPanda · 16/09/2025 16:29

I did one day a week at their house. Never been so bored in my life and longed to be home doing my chores instead of sat watching telly while DGD slept

MyDeftDuck · 16/09/2025 16:36

What does your son say on the subject? His baby too isn’t it.
I get that child minding at their home would be more practical in terms of equipment but in your position I wouldn’t want to be held hostage……I’d want to be able to take the baby out for a walk during agreeable weather…….certainly wouldn’t want to be tied to anyone’s house.

BucketOsnacks · 16/09/2025 16:39

It's always framed as a massive favour, but many grandparents would say "she's not letting us see the baby/bond with them" if they weren't asked

It is a massive favour. You can see the grandchildren, play with them, bond with them and have a great relationship without being asked to do actual childcare.
Unless you're thinking if they don't provide childcare you won't let them see the baby.

Many grandparents are not asked to provide childcare. That doesn't mean they never see them, visit them, bond with them. I see my grandson a few times a week. As it happens I do look after him one day a week while my daughter works but if I didn't the relationship would be no different.

Original poster

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 16:39

MyDeftDuck · 16/09/2025 16:36

What does your son say on the subject? His baby too isn’t it.
I get that child minding at their home would be more practical in terms of equipment but in your position I wouldn’t want to be held hostage……I’d want to be able to take the baby out for a walk during agreeable weather…….certainly wouldn’t want to be tied to anyone’s house.

My son doesn't say much about anything, he will do as she says
I am sure I will be able to leave the house with baby, just not drive anywhere.

OP posts:

Thechaseison71 · 16/09/2025 16:43

Overthewaytwice · 16/09/2025 12:56

I think it will be easier for all of you if you look after the baby at their house.

I'd check that they don't mean that you have to stay home all day though. Being cooped up with a baby/toddler all day isn't much fun. Personally, I'd only provide childcare if they were happy for me to go to the park/playgroups/soft play etc. (though of course you might feel differently).

Or even places that the OPwould like or need to go to herself. Not just kid places. After all it's her only day off. When is she supposed to get anything done if she's trapped in doneone else's house all day only allowed to go to child orientated places in walking distance.

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 16:45

Thechaseison71 · 16/09/2025 16:43

Or even places that the OPwould like or need to go to herself. Not just kid places. After all it's her only day off. When is she supposed to get anything done if she's trapped in doneone else's house all day only allowed to go to child orientated places in walking distance.

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This!!
why can’t baby accompany her to shops or to meet up with her mate for coffee or whatever. I.e baby slots into her life.

Autumnscoming23 · 16/09/2025 16:49

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 16:39

My son doesn't say much about anything, he will do as she says
I am sure I will be able to leave the house with baby, just not drive anywhere.

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You dont sound like you like your DIL much “he will do as she says” really?? And “Im the mother-in-law so need to work twice as hard to be a part of the family” you sound like hard work. Your whole attitude screams selfishness”me me me” your not just a MIL, you are your sons mother, and he would expect you to be respectful of his wifes wishes out of love and support for them both. If you cannot do that, then dont.

Thechaseison71 · 16/09/2025 16:50

Namechangerage · 16/09/2025 15:16

Why would you be bored silly? Can’t you take a book/kindle/ipad etc? Watch their TV, do a bit of gardening if they have a garden? What would you be doing at home that you couldn’t do at theirs?

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Your own house jobs, having friends over, etc

So not only is it free childcare but free housework, gardening etc? Just taking them puss there

I assume the parents won't be using their days off to come and do all your housework while you were stuck at yheirs

ittakes2 · 16/09/2025 16:51

SunnyDolly · 16/09/2025 12:00

It’s so much easier to have the baby at their house, all their stuff is there. Cot, pram, high chair, food/snacks, toys etc etc. My mum always used to come to our house; she could happily take them out in the day too though.

This - you can set your terms but it makes sense for a small baby to be in their home environment. You have a lot of plans for them … I’d try it her way and if it doesn’t work for you say so or build up to visits at your house