Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

Considering you’ll be doing them a favour on your day off (even if you’re happy to do it, at the end of the day it’s still a favour) yeah, I’d say she’s being unreasonable.

If the issue is the driving can she drop the baby off?

I did have some issues when it got to the point I didn’t want DD in the car with MIL, but that was because she lost sight of her 3 times with the classic running off to the toys section (she used to take DD with her to do her big weekly shopping and just make a day out of it) and she had also been advised to stop driving and doubled down on it because technically she didn’t have to stop. It was awkward for a while but eventually she got over it.

I’m a grandmother and I much prefer minding my grandchildren in my own house. It’s no big deal to buy a highchair, stairgate, etc. and to set your home up to be baby proof. Perhaps your daughter in law would bring the baby to you in the mornings, as she will be used to doing the run to nursery on the other days. Like other grannies, I would be bored silly in someone else’s house, especially in the early days when the baby would be having long naps.

But why is it so offensive to do it at their house? She’d have to drive there anyway to pick baby up? This way is actually less driving 🤔

Presumably your GC aren’t infants though?

I'm not interested in your opinion. I'm responding to OP.

You are doing them a massive favour by doing free childcare. Will they be contributing to your travel costs as petrol costs add up if you are on a low income.

plus you are using your day off so any tasks you currently do on that day will need to be postponed eg cleaning, errands, food shop etc.

you don’t need loads of equipment at your house. People saying it’s all set up. The baby could be one years old if mum takes full year off. They just need somewhere to nap and you can get a cheap high chair from ikea and a foldaway buggy. People in the past survived without overpriced gadgets. There were no plug socket covers as kids and we survived!

don’t be bullied into anything

Why would you be bored silly? Can’t you take a book/kindle/ipad etc? Watch their TV, do a bit of gardening if they have a garden? What would you be doing at home that you couldn’t do at theirs?

Bloodyscarymary -

I've looked after my grandchildren here at my home from when they were 9 months old. Eldest is just over two.

Def FTM worries but also her house will be all set up.

the driving thing though…she may not appreciate yet how busy a 1 year old can be. They need stimulation at classes or the park. You’ll have to drive the baby somewhere either way!

Makes sense to go there as everything the baby needs will be there....also when the kids pull everything out, You do painting etc you don't have to stress about putting all the toys/ mess away and can happily skip off home 😀

FWIW, when DS was very small I‘d get her to look after him at ours as I needed to leave before he’d normally wake up. And, we had everything set up at ours. I didn’t want to change the caregiver and his trusted environment.

From 2, he‘d go to hers and had his first sleepover there at that age, too. They’d got used to each other by then and both felt confident with another.

I‘d try it out there first, but discuss a new routine when GC is a little older.

also FWIW, I‘m not sure how confident I‘d be driving with someone else’s baby. I found my own distracting enough!

I agree, I think you should really think about it especially as it’s your only day off.
I think you need to let them know that you would be happy to look after GC but at your house or maybe alternate each week. Personally, I would also want them to drop baby off if I was providing free childcare, it’ll be a lot if it’s your only day off and won’t be short term.

Im genuinely shocked at a few of the comments on here supporting mum.

No i think your be very fair and the mother is being very selfish ungrateful. She asks you to look after her child presumably for free..... and yet tries to dictate the circumstances. Unbelievable!

Personally i think mum should drive to yours and back to drop off but if you can meet half way at her work then that's great compromise & bonus for her.
I think if she doesn't trust you enough to drive with them / have at your house - especially if your day off so likely have other things to do at home too then I'd refuse regular childcare & visit them ad-hoc when convenient for all of you. This is definitely mums issue and not yours - she cant have everything!!

Our childcare is going to be least £200 a day and unfortunately no family help due to parental loss due to cancer and moving away due to career. My mum used to look after my siblings children though and often their mum/dad would drive 30-40min each way twice a day to pick up/drop off (was definitely compromise on some days / if anything on etc) but think thats normal. Know others friends driving 1hr each way daily (this is lot i know as about 4hr total) but they do as prefer free childcare/with grandparents rather than paying.
I would jump at having family help as cheaper for parents & nice for children to spend time with grandparents regularly I could never be so selfish as it sounds like this mum is. You are definitely not being unfair!

My mother travels to wherever she is babysitting it's easier for everyone to have all stuff on hand rather than taking a packup. She might take my kids out in the car but she doesn't with my sisters kids she just takes them out in the pram.

I wouldn't rush into any commitment to childcare.
It is often a lot harder than you expect, particularly if you have a strong case of PFB.

Op im sure she'll chill out eventually.

Meeting at work sounds logical to me. As does having LO at your house assuming its baby friendly.
Im not saying you'll get much done in the way of housework but being able to stick a washing in, take deliveries, other odds and sods you get done while at home. Will make a huge difference to you.

Good luck

You're the one doing her the favour, you decide whose house you use.

My mum has my son one day a week for me whilst I work. I have never asked her to sit at my house all day with him and never would. I drop my son off at my mums and they have everything they need for him there. Whatever they didn’t have I would provide. I think she’s being unreasonable.

If I were in your position I don’t think I’d be happy with this. Has she actually said she doesn’t trust you driving with the baby? For me it wouldn’t just be about being able to babysit in my home- sometimes it is easier to be where all the child’s stuff is- but not being able to go out and about with them. What if you wanted to take them somewhere more than walking distance or a short drive? Id like to think if I was watching my grandchild I’d be able to take them parks, zoos, soft play, the beach, out for lunch with my friends. Some grandparents take their grandkids to baby groups when they have them.
I suppose it is up them ultimately, and maybe they will become more relaxed with time. But I think it’s worth a conversation about how you might feel quite restricted. You don’t have to agree to babysit at all!

No doubt it works for HER 🙄
She doesn’t want to drive 30 minutes extra in the morning and after work lugging all her baby’s stuff around. Good for her she wants it all on her terms. But, you know, if she wants the FREE childcare then maybe she’s not in a position to demand what she wants. She can pay for it then.
It’s the daughter in law who needs the childcare so maybe she should decide how much she wants it.

I‘m guessing it’s because she wants to be close at hand in case of any problems. I’d Just do as she asks

Remember its not just the DiLs child. Its your sons too.

Depending on the house its really not that hard to child proof it. You could walk into my mums with a baby anytime, my MILs is a bit less baby friendly (low ornaments, glass table) etc.

She can pay for childcare then. Dont spend your only day off doing this. Its a bit weird to come up with terms and conditions for the child care before birth. Surely this ia a year away.

You’re doing her a big favour, she either trusts you or she doesn’t! She should be flexible if she wants your help!

There's a lot of heated advice about your DIL being entitled, about free care, and nasty comments about parental anxiety. They don't help, they just wind it all into an unnecessarily antagonistic scenario.

I'd encourage you to put this aside, and recognise that your DIL is presently a bundle of nerves, with no experience of what's to come.

I remember vividly how whilst my FIL was making grim jokes about childbirth, my MIL was gleefully anticipating taking my as yet unborn son out on all sorts of trips - he wasn't even born yet, and her talking about taking him away from me all the time was incredibly upsetting!

Grandparents anxiety is also very much a thing. She also went a bit bonkers near the birth - kept making rather mad suggestions then taking them back (like coming to drive us to the hospital when she lives an hour away in good traffic and we live a 5m drive from the hospital, wanting us to come over to theirs to do a show and tell for our son so all her friends could meet him when he was a week old and I was half naked half the time).

I'd leave it at the offer of having the baby once a week, and work out finer details much later.

I'd also add that whatever routine I've had with my son, it's never lasted more than 3 months before a different routine takes its place.