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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Looking after grandchild

362 replies

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 11:51

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

OP posts:
Autumnscoming23 · 16/09/2025 14:41

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 11:51

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

If you are thrilled to be watching grandchild, you would be thrilled at watching grandchild anywhere. It is not your “right” to take baby back to yours for trips. Its not that she does not trust you, a new mother quite frankly doesn’t really trust anyone with the most precious things in their life. Please listen to her, take her feelings into account, and remember it is a privilege not a right to be an involved grandparent .

gamerchick · 16/09/2025 14:41

I wouldn't want to sit in someone's house all day, the housework requests will creep in, fuck that. She can have you babysit or find someone else. There's a choice in there somewhere

99victoria · 16/09/2025 14:42

Autumnscoming23 · 16/09/2025 14:41

If you are thrilled to be watching grandchild, you would be thrilled at watching grandchild anywhere. It is not your “right” to take baby back to yours for trips. Its not that she does not trust you, a new mother quite frankly doesn’t really trust anyone with the most precious things in their life. Please listen to her, take her feelings into account, and remember it is a privilege not a right to be an involved grandparent .

Show quote history

I'm sorry but this is crap 🙄

DirtyDancing · 16/09/2025 14:43

AllrightNowBaby · 16/09/2025 12:01

Looked after all my Grandchildren and it’s much easier at their home.

This! They will have a the stuff there, pram, high chair, food, comforter, toys, cot.. I could go on. It’s nice if they baby is in their own environment and tbh it’s 100 times easier for the parents not to have to take a baby on a half an hour drive every week (which one of them will have to do to get back to work. then again to collect the baby and then home again). Logistically your idea is more complicated all round. However, if you don’t want to do it you have to say no.

Greenwriter76 · 16/09/2025 14:46

I think if it’s your only day off from work you shouldn’t have to spend it at someone else’s house all day every week.
You could either agree to this, say, once or twice a month, or if it has to be every week maybe one week at theirs, next week at yours.
My PIL looked after my baby for a while when I first went back to work and they would always pick her up and take her back to theirs.
I wouldn’t have expected them to sit at ours all day - you’re doing them a huge free favour as it is, despite the fact you will
obviously cherish this time.

Julimia · 16/09/2025 14:47

I think I would wait before making any decisions about all this til after baby actually arrives. Things may change in attitudes on both sides. Enjoy your new grandchild.

JillMW · 16/09/2025 14:49

I do both but way prefer my own home.
Looking at all the negative comments directed at a mother who babysat for 3 days and nights in her daughters home and had the audacity to leave a dirty pan, a stain on a bedroom carpet and some good on a push chair I would say keep the child at your house or the mumsneters will come at you.

Autumnscoming23 · 16/09/2025 14:51

99victoria · 16/09/2025 14:42

I'm sorry but this is crap 🙄

Show quote history

How so? None of my children were looked after at home, they went to grandparents house BUT I do think OP sounds slightly “me me me” with what she wants and needs. I think if you allow DIL to see that you understand, that you are respectful of her wishes and supportive, then DIL will eventually trust OP enough to have baby at her house and on trips etc.

Noodles1234 · 16/09/2025 14:51

Give her time. It’s all new, exciting and a little daunting.
Try not to tell her what she should do; I am sure we all remember being there and finding it unhelpful at an emotional time.

I am sure once she has settled back into work which can be upsetting, she will be happy for you to take them out. Just don’t overdo it.

I would create a safe and happy home for DGC at yours, make a point in making areas safe and mentioning what you have done (all bright and breezy). Maybe research what NCAP safety rating your car is and ask her opinion on car seats. Maybe even leave the odd up to date parenting magazine around. Some elements of parenting move on every few years so look like you’re embracing it, not doggedly in the past. Make her feel able to trust you.

FriedFalafels · 16/09/2025 14:52

It’s amazing that you want to spend that time with your grandchild and you will gain a close bond with them in doing so. I’m sure it’s just worries of the what ifs just now but in a years time when she’s heading back to work I’m sure she’ll be happier with baby not being within that radius

DeliaOwens · 16/09/2025 14:53

OP, right now just agree in principle to looking after GC one day a week. Once the baby arrives, and things settle, your son’s girlfriend will once again approach this subject.

At this point, you iron out the creases.

FWIW, the packing up the car, feeding/changing the baby before leaving for work in the morning was always the worst part. No matter how much I did the night before.

It makes perfect sense to go to their place. All the baby stuff is there, familiar and comfortable currencies for the little one. Plus, you might occasionally be able to make them a home cooked meal so there is something nice and healthy, ready to eat when they get it.

makes life easier for them, even if you put yourself out a little one day per week. Once the baby becomes a toddler, you won’t be stuck in the house so much anyway…the days are long but the years go fast.

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 16/09/2025 14:55

She wouldn't march into a nursery and start throwing her weight around. One day her kid may be going on school trips on minibuses and coaches. And shock-horror - be more than 10 minutes away from her desk.

These boys sure know how to pick them don't they?

thebeautifulsky · 16/09/2025 14:55

I'm a Grandmother who looks after DGC two days a week and for us, it's easier if they're here at my house. I do collect and drop off too. The DGC love it here and they know it's a place to come to when Mum and Dad are working. Same with their other Grandparents who also do 2 days. They have toys etc here and it's become their second home. I have looked after them in their own home once or twice but much prefer here. My advice would be to see how it goes and once you all feel comfortable then introduce going back to yours. Good luck with your Grandma day. Prepare for tiredness but lots of love and fun!

101Nutella · 16/09/2025 14:58

Their house has everything you need, for free. It’s also child proofed. Do it at theirs and they can pay your petrol per month.

I know people doing this successfully. It’s a non issue. Why would you project about the accident which no one has mentioned? And have to buy things and duplicate effort at yours?

i think you’re making an issue when it’s more logical to do it at theirs. Cots etc are expensive. So why not use theirs?

Cherrytree86 · 16/09/2025 14:59

I hope she appreciates you, OP. She’s very lucky to have you
@icravestardamage

allmymonkeys · 16/09/2025 14:59

I think you and DIL are both getting ahead of yourselves - hadn't you better wait and see what this particular baby is like before you start planning trips to Legoland and catastrophising about fireballs respectively?

Speaking for myself, in different circumstances I would be happy to spend a working day at the parents' house minding the sproglet but I'm damned if I'd volunteer to have baby chaos infesting mine ever again. Though actually I might have a hmmmm moment or two about being taken for granted as free child care, too.

Also - is this your first grandchild?

99victoria · 16/09/2025 14:59

thebeautifulsky · 16/09/2025 14:55

I'm a Grandmother who looks after DGC two days a week and for us, it's easier if they're here at my house. I do collect and drop off too. The DGC love it here and they know it's a place to come to when Mum and Dad are working. Same with their other Grandparents who also do 2 days. They have toys etc here and it's become their second home. I have looked after them in their own home once or twice but much prefer here. My advice would be to see how it goes and once you all feel comfortable then introduce going back to yours. Good luck with your Grandma day. Prepare for tiredness but lots of love and fun!

Same here but apparently we're in the wrong as we're not being sensitive to the mum's feelings and if we're not in their house we also won't be able to make them a lovely hot meal to come home to 😂

Bloody hell - do most of the parents on here realise that most of us grandparents helping out are fit and active 60 year olds with friends and interests of our own, not surrogate housekeepers/nannies?

Original poster
icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 15:02

101Nutella · 16/09/2025 14:58

Their house has everything you need, for free. It’s also child proofed. Do it at theirs and they can pay your petrol per month.

I know people doing this successfully. It’s a non issue. Why would you project about the accident which no one has mentioned? And have to buy things and duplicate effort at yours?

i think you’re making an issue when it’s more logical to do it at theirs. Cots etc are expensive. So why not use theirs?

I have not projected about the accident - its something she mentioned!

OP posts:
WannaFOffOnHoliday · 16/09/2025 15:04

Everything is at the babies house.
Sterliser. Food stuff. Clothes. Nappies. Cot.
For you to go there is 100% the easiest way
If you arent happy, you can always say no

latenightscrolling · 16/09/2025 15:05

Far easier to be at theirs, for naps in the cot/basket she knows and not only that, it’s the car seat situation. A new born requires a rear facing, substantial isofix seat so this would save you having to get one put into your car. My Mum has helped me and my siblings out and always for the first year or 2 she’ll go to our houses.

Namechangerage · 16/09/2025 15:10

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 12:59

Well - that's me told!
I have absolutely no problem going to theirs if that's what they want.

Show quote history

I hope you genuinely take this on board now. It’s very common for the grandparent to look after the child in the child’s home.

Ask them to pay your petrol if you like.

Don’t do a power play and try to change it to your house, it won’t go down well. You are welcome to just say no if it doesn’t suit you.

Account734 · 16/09/2025 15:10

If they don't trust you to take care of your grandchild then they shouldn't be using your free labour to do it. Either you are up to the task in their eyes or you aren't. It's insulting. I'd remove my offer of free care.

Bloodyscarymary · 16/09/2025 15:12

If she is going back to work when the baby is young I think it would be extremely difficult and a major faff for everyone for her to drop baby to work and you to have baby in your home. Babies need a lot of stuff - would you want to buy a bottle sterilizer, bottles, formula, cot, spoons, baby bib, highchair, white noise machine etc for your house?

What if they’re due a nap or hungry or did a poop right when she needs to leave for work? She will have to juggle all of that and get ready herself.

Bundle baby and all its stuff into car… then you have to do the opposite in the evening. It is logistically a nightmare.

Once the child is older then the drop off might work but in the early stages you coming to theirs is really the best solution and if I was your daughter I would question your judgement if you suggested otherwise!

Coffeeishot · 16/09/2025 15:12

godmum56 · 16/09/2025 14:21

You have been asked to do them a favour. What conditions you lay down depend on how much you want to do them that favour. Don't try and "read between the lines" Stick to the here and now and the facts.

This is sound advice @icravestardamage

Namechangerage · 16/09/2025 15:13

Account734 · 16/09/2025 15:10

If they don't trust you to take care of your grandchild then they shouldn't be using your free labour to do it. Either you are up to the task in their eyes or you aren't. It's insulting. I'd remove my offer of free care.

Oh give over. They haven’t said that, they just want her to do it in their house and not have the baby driving about for an hour each day. They are the parents here.

Of course she is welcome to say no if it doesn’t suit her. But sounds like she wants to spend time with the grandchild so it’s no use being stubborn and all offended. There’s not even anything to be offended about.