Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

158 replies

gunnermartin · 16/09/2025 11:48

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

OP posts:
TansySorrel · 17/09/2025 09:40

I misread the title as "Royalty fucked me over" initially.
Anyway I think it's fine to ignore.

TheFlis · 17/09/2025 09:46

I would just ignore it rather than write unknown. You are NC so they should not be reaching out to you and you are perfectly within your rights to not respond.

Terriorist · 17/09/2025 09:47

I love the people who can’t imagine that there would be a job that would require this.

unicornflakegirl · 17/09/2025 10:03

StewkeyBlue · 17/09/2025 09:37

Kyboshing someone’s job is quite an extreme thing to do.

I would keep the moral high ground, fill in the form but not make contact.

Revenge is rarely dignified.

It won’t affect the job - the recruiter will do what they will with the details that the sibling does have which presumably will
include date of birth and last known address.

It just makes their life easier to have the address. But OP is under no obligation to provide it and in her circumstances I would caution against providing it if she feels her sibling may use the address for other purposes at any point. Not worth the stress.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 17/09/2025 10:38

Jollyhockeystickss · 16/09/2025 13:18

Ask employer to email you you can then give directly to them but to be honest i dont believe i think shes just after your details, i would ask which company shes applying for 1st

If its for a security pass that won't work. It's not what the paperwork is for. The process is what they want completed, not some random email contact

SamphiretheTervosaur · 17/09/2025 10:42

YourFairCyanReader · 16/09/2025 21:43

To be fair, if the sister has been asked for this info as part of an application for a job, she isn't exactly asking for a favour. She's just asking for info that she has been asked for herself. The alternative would be to say to the screening agency/employer, "yes I have a sister, yes I have her mobile number/email address, but I daren't /don't want to contact her to ask for her address and employer". Would sound a bit lame. At least this way she can say she's tried with OP but had no response,then they will follow up themselves and track down OP no doubt.
But she won't have had any choice and it doesn't mean she's chosen to put OP down as a reference or anything.

I'm not excusing the sister's behaviour but don't really see what else she could have done other than not apply for the job at all!

OP can ignore or just reply that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing those details with sister.

As pps have said, lots of roles require family details to be able to conduct background checks.

She can say "Not known due to family estrangement"

DH has done that for about 40 years, every time he has to be revetted and passed so he can access various military and government sites. He gets the 'green pass' (higher clearance) every time

They will do any check they want to on an unknown person and won't even contact them if they are just regular people.

The people that do these checks do them all day, every day. There is nothing they won't have come across before.

SamphiretheTervosaur · 17/09/2025 10:43

StewkeyBlue · 17/09/2025 09:37

Kyboshing someone’s job is quite an extreme thing to do.

I would keep the moral high ground, fill in the form but not make contact.

Revenge is rarely dignified.

Just as well it won;t do that then, isn't it?

See my previous responses!

cooroocoocoo · 17/09/2025 11:12

Your duty is to you and your children first. I would be worried about giving my address/etc if I had managed to stay safe and away from family for two years.

They can explain that they are estranged on the form and don't have the information.

This charity (supporting people who are estranged) may have more info for you:
www.standalone.org.uk/guides/adultchildren/

New posts on this thread. Refresh page