Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

[gunnermartin]

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

For those saying it's suspicious that a job needs this information, no it's not. It depends on the job and who the prospective employer is. My husband has high security clearance for his job, due to the nature of his employer, and they require details of his siblings - address, job, date of birth, place if birth and full name. It's not unusual at all. It's not just MI5 who require this type of information!!

That's very funny 🤣

I think I'd be telling them to "fuck off"

If someone is estranged from their family ie haven't seen or heard of or from them for decades could they simply erase them (in these high security situations)? It must be dreadful for people who have been in care, for instance, to have to disclose a slew of people they wouldn't recognise in the street. And may have very scant details of.

I think I would do it to help them, but honestly it would only be so I could enjoy the warm glow of smug superiority knowing I'm better than them, it wouldn't be altruism.

Yes, you’re perfectly within your rights to ignore. What a liberty they’re taking.

Actually not that unusual for jobs with the police or anything that requires "security clearance". Also, we had to provide all this info for our parents and siblings in order to get permanent residency in another country.

No contact has to mean no contact, so don't reply. In what format did your sibling "reach out"?

Perfect response. Get ready to block them if they try to argue.

Silence is also a powerful response.

Absolutely not.
Ignore it completely.

I don't even get why they'd need your details in order to get a background check for their own job?! Sounds bizarre. As in they want you to be a reference? Even though you've never employed them, haven't spoken in years and hate them personally?

It's pretty laughable really. Just ignore it.

Tell her to royally f* off !

My husband has numerous high level security clearances for his role.
He has been NC with his father for 17 years - he explains this when his clearances have to be renewed. Your sibling will be able to do the same.
Unless you wish to keep a door open to the possibility of reconciliation with your sibling, you can ignore the request and will not mess up their chances by ignoring the request.

Oh dear, FAFO. 100% ignore.

I would just ignore the request. She can put your info as "unknown" because they're not in contact with you. If that causes them some embarrassment, so be it. <shrugs>

This!

Dont give them a second thought, ignore and block

Don't you dare! Tell them to gtf

And M15 want to know where you siblings live and what they do for a living?

It's amazing what 'they' can find out about applicants! After we went abroad teaching the children of Forces families a friend of ours decided to apply. Despite teaching an in-demand subject and having a good first interview he was rejected. He subsequently found out that it was because he had been taken into custody, but never charged, for protesting outside a local cinema against a controversial film!

To be fair, if the sister has been asked for this info as part of an application for a job, she isn't exactly asking for a favour. She's just asking for info that she has been asked for herself. The alternative would be to say to the screening agency/employer, "yes I have a sister, yes I have her mobile number/email address, but I daren't /don't want to contact her to ask for her address and employer". Would sound a bit lame. At least this way she can say she's tried with OP but had no response,then they will follow up themselves and track down OP no doubt.
But she won't have had any choice and it doesn't mean she's chosen to put OP down as a reference or anything.

I'm not excusing the sister's behaviour but don't really see what else she could have done other than not apply for the job at all!

OP can ignore or just reply that she doesn't feel comfortable sharing those details with sister.

As pps have said, lots of roles require family details to be able to conduct background checks.

Depends.. if you want to rebuild the relationship or not.

Youve pursued a relationship all this time to turn your back on it now they need you.. you could and tbh they've been shitty but if you want the relationship being petty isnt the way to get it.

Id be deciding what I wanted going forward and act accordingly. No judgement if thats telling them to fuck off.

DC has recently started a Gov job where background checks were needed on quite a few people so could be genuine - BUT I would agree with others that you owe your sibling nothing, so they will have to complete the form with ‘unknown’ for anything they don’t know.

Not all this time. I tried in the beginning and everyone has been fine not speaking to me or my children for two years since x

Kyboshing someone’s job is quite an extreme thing to do.

I would keep the moral high ground, fill in the form but not make contact.

Revenge is rarely dignified.