Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

[gunnermartin]

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

What a pity the computer directed the message into your SPAM file and you did not see it!

Could you not just put along the lines of :

Vetting agent to contact me directly via (method she contacted you) to complete these details

there is your answer. Its not about you it's all about them. You wont be better thought of. What would/have they done for you?

Ignore!! And I’ve done high level clearance and said unknown for my dad in no contact with. What else was I meant to do? 😆 This is not the big deal some people are making it out to be, she literally doesn’t have your info.

In which case, if I knew who the prospective employer is, I would contact them directly and say you refuse to disclose your personal data as your sibling has frequently shown themselves to be untrustworthy with such information.

Maybe relative is going for job in civil service. They asked for all of this info. She will have to say it’s unknown. And explain that her employers and say estranged family. My DC had to do that about one of the grandparents.

Some civil service roles/reserved roles require developed vetting and would need this kind of information.

Say no and join a Palestine Action demonstration (don't really do that but it's tempting).

If you are absolutely sure you never want anything to do with them again then ignore the e-mail…….is there a chance when your toxic parents are dead that ye could reconcile?

Can you ask her ... "is that your way of apologising?"

Of course it's fine to ignore it.

I would send "I tried to keep up contact with you after having been shat upon by the rest of the family but you ignored me for 2 years, and you contact me because you want something from me. No. You do not have any right to this information. Do not contact me again"

Then block the number and live your life.

But ignoring and not responding is fine.

Perfectly within your rights.

Either it's true and putting unknown is fine. And if it's ultra secret like MI5 they will find you if they need to.

Or it's not true and she wants your details to be in touch with you, for whatever reason.

As you don't want to be in touch with your family, feel free to ignore.

I would tell him I would happily be a referee and ask how he spells “mercenary”…. Then drop a “Just being honest…” kind of line.

DC1 is a government scientist and had to give complete info about whole family when applying. They have signed the Official Secrets Act too.

This.

Not a snowballs chance in hell would I even respond to the request

I'd let her know any background check would not be positive from you and then let them stew.

When my late OH became a teacher in Forces schools we both had to sign the Official Secrets Act which we found to be very funny, would he disclose details of the latest reading scheme? Over the years we discovered that officers can be very indiscreet after a drunken Sunday lunch, we were once in the CO's office being told never to disclose what had just been said and looking back via Google I can see why! A few Officers got a right royal bollocking from him.

Surely the only response is.
Who's this?

Personally I wouldn't engage

You are perfectly entitled to!
However, you mentioned that you had wanted a chance to tell your side of things to your sibling - maybe this is it. Tell them that even though you’re hurt that s/he cut you off, you are willing to give the details s/he wants if s/he will first meet with you to hear your side of things. Obviously if s/he refuses, then you can also refuse to give the information s/he wants.

They can just out you down as "estranged". If it is for official high level vetting I'm sure the pepple dong it will have ways to find you.

@gunnermartin I would be hesitant to share or give out any information about my work or my address. Or anything, to be quite frank. Though it probably is for a job, the fact that they could use that information to try and hurt you, would make me unwilling to give it out.

I also would worry about using that information to try and use your name (pretend to be you) to get credit or a loan.

I know some have mentioned asking them if they want "back in touch". It would be easy for them to say "yes", and when they get what they want, to go NC again.

I'd just ignore and not respond at all. That way, you stay safe, they cannot use any reply to manipulate you, and they can't crap on you again.

The police also do these family checks! My brother is a police officer and I’ve had to give him my details when he’s moved to different departures or applied for a new job internally

Tough titty on the sibling, actions have consequences.