Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

[gunnermartin]

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

@HoppingPavlova are you also married to my DH 😀

@gunnermartin

I think "ignore" is the perfect option for you here.

If you give the information you will be so angry, feel used and feel vulnerable afterwards with all your private information being passed on.

If you communicate and say that you can't do it or don't want to do it, you are inviting a dialogue/debate and that will be upsetting because it seems like none of the people involved have any self awareness or have done any self reflection. The are coming to you because they want something for you to progress their own situation - not out of concern, care or willingness to repair relationships. They are not coming to you contritely or apologetically, they just need something.

It is difficult, as it always is, because what she is asking for is support in what is essentially a positive step to better their life and something that anything would support another family member with (a job application).

But what is telling is that this request for a reference was not prefaced with a genuine and sincere chat, apology, attempt to air things out etc. It was sent because she needs something from you. If not for this job application, would this sibling have reached out to you? I think not.

Ignore is the best option for you in my view. It allows you to maintain the calm and peace you have created for yourself but at the same time there is no way anyone can accuse you of malice etc.

Just ignore.

Protect your peace.

I am sorry your family are like this. It must hurt.

Tell her to do this: Fucking do one... !

Quite.

If she had invited you to her wedding she would have your address...

I'm really petty I'd text back 'who is this?' then block them. What an absolutely CF to ask.

I wouldn’t ignore it.

id send a “I’ve tried to reach out to you and make amends. You ignored me. I want no further contact from you unless you want to actually talk about it and move on. You really think asking for an favour as things stand is acceptable??”

I know of security checks which can require this information about family members but she can just explain she doesn’t have that information about you.

Also, i like this by @Namechangerage:

“id send a “I’ve tried to reach out to you and make amends. You ignored me. I want no further contact from you unless you want to actually talk about it and move on. You really think asking for an favour as things stand is acceptable??””

But if you prefer to keep your powder dry at this stage, it’s better to say nothing.

I'd want to know if it was for a security or government role to make sure it was a legit request and not just curiosity or to pass on your current information to others
If they won't say exactly what its for, then I wouldn't give the details.

However, you've said you still don't want contact with any of them.

Do you think helping your sibling will change her mind about not speaking to you? or You to her? Could it rebuild bridges between the two of you or is it likely that she will get the info and continue as is.
Would you like things to change? Or do you feel its better to keep things the way they are? I guess that's the real question for you to decide.

i would only let him use me as reference if they plan to contact me, otherwise not. Once they do I will conpletely reccomend these people not to hire him for x,y and z reasons. I won't tell my sibling of this last bit.

Karma is a beautiful thing.

The police also used to need this info for background checks, as do councils for foster carers. I think some civil service roles require it to.

OP - don’t bother. They made their bed…

If this person wants to build bridges, they really ought to do so without asking for a favour and offering nothing in return, I would have thought.

This!

Me too, I'd ignore and block. In fact I did

Ask employer to email you you can then give directly to them but to be honest i dont believe i think shes just after your details, i would ask which company shes applying for 1st

It's not the end of the world for her if you don't.

If you don't want to then don't.

I would write some lovely responses that I would want to send.

Then delete them all and ignore.

If she perseveres then I'd simply write that you are uncomfortable giving her the information given the current circumstances.

But unless she's very stupid, then she must acknowledge getting a reply from you is unlikely. But by asking she can at least tell her future employer that she has honestly tried.

Yanbu

Don't respond and don't fucking help them 😤

I wouldn’t reply. If they need the information for a genuine reason, then whatever agency they are applying for should be able to access it fairly easily anyway.

Some jobs do need this detail it’s standard info for security vetting

I doubt very much they wanted to ask you in the first place but there perspective employer will be asking for them

they will have a procedure for missing details

it’s upto you

I'd reply

There is a reason you don't know, I did try and reach out but was rebuffed, think on it.

This

Like hell I would help them!

Not this!

This would be unnecessarily mean and I am sure that's not you.

I am sorry that your sibling has not been supportive. That hurts. NC is one thing though but actively trying to ruin their life chances going forward is something else!

If you would like them back in your life, you could take the opportunity to extend an olive branch e.g. (1) This sounds interesting but it's a big ask given our history. I could maybe help if you were willing to meet and explain a bit more about it.

If they are unwilling to meet you then go straight to (2).

If you like it NC and don't want to risk reconciliation or if they won't reciprocate (see 1), (2) you could reply that you are extremely hurt by them going NC. Had they kept in touch then you would have been happy to help but given your history you'd prefer not to be involved. Please only contact me going forward, if you genuinely want to renew our relationship.

Think carefully about what you want the outcome to be and act accordingly.

Wishing you all the best, OP.

Tell her a load of fiction? Maybe that you are outreach officer for Palestine Action?

I’m sure that would go down well at MI5