Family member asking for favour after they royally f***** me over

[gunnermartin]

I’ll keep it brief but my parents did something monumental after years of bad behaviour's that caused me to cut complete contact with them.

In turn because my parents have money my sibling decided to side with them as they are funded for a lot of things by my parents. Sibling hasn’t spoken to me for two years since despite me reaching out to say I’d like to explain and maintain a relationship, to the point my family didn’t get invited to siblings wedding or even told it was happening.

Sibling has now reached out to ask for all my details (address which no one has, job role, where I work etc) regarding being background checked for a job.

AIBU to say no, put it all down as unknown?

My friend required this level of background check for a DV role working alongside the police. I assume the police themselves would need a similar level of checks too.

Exactly this.

Years ago, I applied for a clerical job with the Police force…..nothing monumental or ground breaking but I had to declare where my parents were born, my Mothers maiden name, both of their D.O.B. professions, all addresses they’d ever lived at, same details of my two siblings, and and criminal records that anyone in the family had………just for a clerical job. All my family were ok about it and it sounds like your siblings is going through something similar.
Up yo you OP I’d you’re compliant……just thought it would help you understand the potential behind their request.

Agree with this.
Sorry you have been treated so badly.
Best response is no response.

I wouldn't even give them the satisfaction of replying.

I would ignore. MI5 will be able to find you no problem.

Personally I’d be suspicious about their motivation and how they may use the info.

I would go back and say something along the,lines of

Mary

as you know I have made numerous attempts to contact you over the last two years to explain what happened, after all there are always two sides to every story. You made the decision to side with our parents and were not at all interested in my side of the story to the extent that you did not even invite me and my family to your wedding, in fact you didn’t even tell us it was happening.

I am amazed that you have now felt it appropriate to contact me to ask for personal information because it now suits you, without even an apology for your behaviour

I am unable to help you but wish you the best for your future. Please don’t contact me again

Just ignore the request. Don’t lower yourself to their level by being spiteful.

Although it would be fun to record your address as HMP Wandsworth

It may be possible for you to supply the required details directly to the vetting agency, in complete confidence.

"Kindly fuck off."

Then ignore/block the CF.

This is good advice

It's not tit fir tat though. Their job might ask, they can put unknown as not in contact. If that stops them getting the job, though shit for them.

If you give her your address it might very well end up with your parents. Is that something you're okay with happening? If not, then I'd answer something like Vaxtable's letter but more neutral:

"Dear Mary

In the current situation I am unable to help you but wish you the best for your future.

Best wishes
Gunnermartin"

The only thing I'd say is that if imagine yourself looking back in 30 years' time will you regret or be at peace with your decision to sever contact with your parents?

I ask because some people have made that decision and it was the right one for them in the long run. Other people have come to regret it and see the causes of the rift as being small and wish they'd handled things differently. Fwiw severing contact was absolutely the right thing to do for me, but I do know people who with distance (and without allowing themselves to see their parents through rose-tinted glasses) regret it.

Ignore, just like she ignored you when she got married.

If you don't want to then don't.

If it’s for security clearance etc then them not putting you down won’t stop them get the job. Lots of jobs ask for it and not just MI5! But she will be able to put your name and date of birth which presumably she knows and then ‘address not known’ - I have a little personal experience of this and it hasn’t hindered anything in any way.

I wonder why she can't use her parents or in laws🤔 previous employers or long term friends?

I am in an extremely similar situation and I would completely ignore this. To add anything (in my case anyway) would only stir up drama.

I wouldn't have anything to do with them. I wonder why they asked you and what they thought your response would be! I'd ignore the message and wouldn't hand over any information at all.

I'm so sorry you've got such a shit family.

Tell them you work for a Cuban guy but you only ever meet him in a park when you give him packages.

It is common enough to be asked these kind of questions for developed vetting. I was even asked details of what schools my siblings attended.

It is also common enough for people not to be in contact with family members and they can tell that to the assessor. They often want to know about any situations that could compromise the integrity of the applicant so may ask your sibling for their version of events.

I gave our address to a relative for a specific purpose and lo and behold flowers arrived from another relative with whom we were no contact.

OP - you owe her nothing. If you fell better for having closed the chapter then go with your instinct.

Definitely no.

Some jobs do require your family to be screened for security reasons such as aircraft workers.

you could put "long stretch in Holloway, why?" or just ignore (do the latter...)

The family will be being screened for criminal or terrorist connections. Especially common in police or aviation industries.