I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

They’re going off snowboarding together over Christmas! Can’t you see how much fun this is and be happy for them?

Why don’t you arrange a fabulous Christmas in a restaurant with friends?

You need to let go and lighten up. You love hosting Christmas because it makes you centre of attention.

Get a grip. If you love putting so much effort into Christmas, volunteer to help with Christmas at your local homeless shelter or similar. Your kids are grown and can spend Christmas anywhere they like. Just because you adore all the Christmas hype doesn't mean they do. I fantasise about having Christmas Day alone, with food I like and little to no effort involved. Just smile, sort your own day out and be civil, with any luck the girlfriend might fizzle out.

I can only imagine what my mother really thought of the man who became my partner, my husband, then my ex. But she was always polite, and played the game. She has told me recently that if I needed help, she knew I would ask. I don’t much like my DB’s partner, but they’ve been together for 25 years which is longer than the length of my marriage. I am polite, and chatty, but we are very much not friends. There are some opinions that some family members hold that I have to try not to antagonise for a peaceful life. It’s all a game.

I don’t expect I will spend Christmas with my daughter this year. I didn’t last year, because she opted to spend it with her father. I only get one day off for Christmas, and I’m not particularly bothered by the holiday anyway. I started spending Christmas with my then bf family from the age of 23. I think it’s normal to not expect your kids to be around at Christmas these days.

One thing I’ve noticed is that @Brazienis a churchgoer. My family are agnostic at best, and my DD and I are atheist. It must be tough not sharing the top Christian festival with loved ones, but I don’t think young people place as much importance on it as they used to. My DD and her friends certainly don’t. They just see it as a day off with constant snacking.

I'm shocked you guilt tripped you DSons with "I'll be spending Christmas Alone" why is it their job to keep you occupied on Christmas day ? I have 3 DS all Adults 1 DS Teenage - Three are flying out to be with me and their Step Dad. No guilt trip was needed. We accepted their choice of partners (sometimes we have clashed). I keep my gob shut and am always welcoming and warm. You reap what you sow I'm afraid and you've royally fucked the mil job

I'm going to have to agree with you, yes, you will be spending Christmas alone, maybe for the rest of your life if you continue being so judgemental of your DC's choices.

The WhatsApp group sounds hurtful and unless you are notoriously hard to communicate with I suspect it was a misguided way to say something and run which they may regret in the future.

The fact that your son and his girlfriend have already had a major bust up, and their (her?) age suggests she may not be your future DiL so hopefully this will end up being a period you all learn from and brighter days await for your relationship but if she does become a permanent fixture then smiling and nodding will get you a very long way. (Being lectured on the iniquities of the world by someone who is unaware of the enormous societal damage of the cocaine trade would produce a rather rictus grin on me but I’d do it!)

My assumption like others is that there is a middle ground of reality (as is usually the case when we tell people what happened) where she can be quite annoying and you can make it obvious you think that, with neither of you being awful but the whole thing being a bit tense. So not a great Christmas for anyone really.

Do funds/work allow for an Australian trip? If not, does your church do any sort of Christmas community work you could get involved in? My mother had a principle that no one should be left alone at Christmas which I carried on once I had my own family and while it’s meant a few less relaxing times it’s also meant that I know some people have has a less lonely time than might have been. Do you know anyone else who might be alone who could join you?

Personally I spent a lot of Christmases with friends and extended family after being orphaned fairly young and had some lovely days. My own children are still quite young but once they leave home I’m quite looking forward to a few different Christmas experiences again.

Why not see if your brother in Australia is open to you visiting if it's affordable. There is no point in dwelling on this. Big family get-togethers are not always enjoyable to everyone. It can make things tense, with people feeling upset. I would back off and leave them to their plans. Find something else to do and let it go. They were worried about telling you and have done so clumsily.

But get past everyone having to come to you at Xmas just because you like it. It's an expectation that puts pressure on others. You're asking them to comply with what makes you happy regardless of how they feel.

I’ve got to be honest, even taking out of the situation the “debate” you had with his GF, you can’t expect your adult kids to plan their Christmas around you.

They have their own lives now. Mine are similar ages and if they want to go away at Christmas I’ll wish them a great time and make other plans. This could be spending it with single friends, going on a solo holiday, or volunteering.

You can't call people and emotionally blackmail them you need to respect their decisions. They've told you they have other plans you need to respect that and not try to make them feel guilty for it.

I think your boys are being very unkind. Though also think you shouldn’t have shown animosity towards the gf despite she sounds awful.

The best thing is not to flame the fire any further by showing a big reaction. If you do the 2 couples will just be villainising you behind your back.

Try to accept their decision with good grace. It will be hard but act as though you have adjusted to the decision and are ok with having a quiet Christmas this year. The better you behave the more likely at least one of your sons will start to feel some guilt over their behaviour. They didn’t both need to “punish” you to make a point.

With any luck this relationship will not last forever. Even if it does your sons will both mature in time and realise that people aren’t perfect but you are their loving mum who doesn’t deserve to be given the cold shoulder over one mistake.

@Brazien girlfriend is a daddy’s princess who hasn’t had and will never have to spend a day in her life doing anything difficult, she has a thinking degree to tick boxes and at the moment thinks she has al the answers to the world when in reality she’s rich basically so can swan around being fabulous and that’s it. These people exist there’s just not many of them.

Can your sons and BF ski? Because she can, and her family can. Are your sons going to be wobbling around on baby slopes whilst they swoosh down black runs?

Your sons might decide being at home with mum being spoilt might be preferable than this glamorous snowy Christmas. You never know.

Playing devil’s advocate here, you have been a bit of a spoilt princess yourself about Christmas- your children’s dad after divorce didn’t get one Christmas Day with them, just because you like it most didn’t really give you the right to have them all. And now another princess has come along and ‘won’ this one. You are just going to have to build a bridge and get over this one.

So what can you do? Go to Oz? Canada? That possible? Any other friends who might be an empty nester this year? It’s only one year out of how many since first baby 31? You will see daughter next year.

Don’t be hurt or angry with sons, the girlfriend and family sound fascinating, you should have just nodded along and let them be young and opinionated, it might not last this relationship, sounds a bit imbalanced but hey it might.

Message sons, have a great time and get decent travel insurance let’s catch up on return, don’t say this but broken wrists/ankles etc very common, again will depend on their skiing experience to some degree.

Out if interest can you summarise the differing political opinions?

I think that the mistake you have made here is that you’ve voiced your opinions on her as a person to your DS, using the fact she was open in her opinions as an excuse to do so.

Unless I’ve missed something in your posts, it doesn’t sound like she has attacked your personality, just your political views. You have then gone to your DS and said that you find her arrogant etc, and made it personal. Lively political debate is one thing, but laying into someone’s character is bound to make people defensive and have repercussions.

It sounds like you don’t like her for various reasons and seized what you saw as an opportunity to tell your DS that. Did you not foresee that telling someone you don’t like someone they love might cause an issue?

You sound quite blinkered and rigid in your opinions OP. I would take some time to really reflect on your part in this and stop focussing on things like Christmas.

It's ok to spend Christmas on your own.

If you can afford it, a trip to Australia would be good subject to your family’s approval of course.

Terribly upsetting and I do feel for you. Unfortunately you broke the golden rule which is never criticise anyone your children are sleeping with. In particular never ever criticise anyone your son is sleeping with. If you do a whole world of pain follows. There is also the potential to make it worse by expressing your hurt about Christmas. I would just apologise for Easter and then plan a fabulous Christmas for yourself. Frame it as a really positive experience for you after years of looking after others at Christmas.

Not 'probably'. You most definitely should have kept your mouth shut.

I'd make your apologies directly to the girlfriend and tell her that you hope you and she can be friends going forward

This Christmas I think it'd be a good idea to help out at Crisis, or some other charity. I reckon you'd get a lot from that.

Invite the boys and your daughter over for a "second" Christmas in early January, pull all the stops out , make it utterly fabulous.... AND DONT UPSET ANYONE 😁

That poster on the other thread planning on leaving out her sister adamant she will never be alone for Christmas herself as she has 3 young adult children should read this thread!

Tbh I think his girlfriend sounds like a knob and their behaviour re the WhatsApp group is a disgrace.

re Christmas just do something else, different, push yourself out of your comfort zone. Don’t be all needy , let them do their thing, you do yours.

Sorry but I think regardless of the conflict if you’re divorced and have adult children as your only family nearby then you should expect that you might spend an occasional Christmas alone anyway. They have to split time between you/their father/their partners families/wanting Xmas with just their partners etc. You need to find something else to do like a holiday/church/volunteering/relaxing day etc.

Maybe your son has been drawn to a partner who had unshakeable confidence in her own opinions and values being the only true and correct ones — so, someone just like his own mother! A problem entirely of your own making. The way you talk about his girlfriend is horribly demeaning and judgemental.

Irrespective of this, you need to create a life for yourself outside of your children. It is unfair to expect them to dance attendance on you for every celebration and holiday for the rest of your life just because you have nothing and no-one else.

If you want to be a close family who love to gather, then you need to cultivate a genuine appreciation and respect for the adults they have become and for the companions they choose.

Thr group message and leave is horrible but nonetheless you should apologise. Tell them to have a wonderful trip at Christmas and you were being silly about being alone - of course you'll be fine and even if you weren't your feelings are not their responsibility. Say that you can see why he feels you haven't been fair to his girlfriend and you'd like to put that right - you aren't quite sure what that needs to look like yet but would like to hear any thoughts he has on what would help to repair the relationship.

This.

No manners, and Daddy has overcompensated for being the sole parent. A lot of this is because she doesn't have a mum. Losing a parent is horrible. But it doesn't give her a green light to be a prize twat for life because of it.

@Brazien I would bank on her having discovered that Christmas is your "thing" so is determined to make sure she "wins", so to speak. She's jealous of the mother he has that she doesn't. So you have to go. Because her daddy has told her that she gets whatever she wants, and anything else is not an option.

Best action? Act completely non bothered. If they ask, you? You've been asked by friends to theirs and you're also volunteering somewhere, and be very smiley about it, because you're happy everyone is happy.

She's on coke, they've already broken up, she's not going to be around forever. By the way, I am part French, and the arrogance thing is very real. I don't know why it is, and it's not even intentional, it's just how all of my french friends are perceived here, including me.

You've seen how you you should have just kept quiet, because now she's used that to double down against you, so remember that in future. Just be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong.

I wouldn’t expose my DP to someone who openly dislikes them.

I chose not to spend another Christmas with a relative whose right wing views were offensive to me. They have made their choice.

The fact that all your DC are in agreement should be telling you something, but you aren’t hearing it.

Do something different this Christmas. It isn’t their responsibility to keep you company, you are a grown independent woman.

Christmas really isn’t important here at all, let that one go and don’t bring it up again. The only thing that needs sorting here is repairing the relationships, this is a critical time to get things back on track before they derail forever.