I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Tbh I would imagine the resentment has been going back years. They never got to see their DF at Christmas after you split, when they were very small, as you loved Christmas SO much. Very controlling.

I get that you’re upset, it’s hard when your children start to build their own traditions and they don’t include you. I also think the way they shared the news with you was harsh and selfish.
I would do what others have suggested and apologise for any hurt caused. Plan a good Christmas for yourself, whether that is a holiday, a day in with good films, good food etc or maybe volunteering somewhere.
Try not to be needy and make them responsible for your happiness.
i think they will also reflect and in time apologise for the handling of this from their side.

Wow, that is harsh of your sons. Very poorly delivered message. Disrespectful and inconsiderate. That aside, there’s a lot to unpack in your message.

The gf sounds awful. However, we don’t choose our children’s partners and if they choose one we don’t warm to, expressing any negative opinion is likely to drive them away. I have an adult son and daughter about the same ages as yours. DS’s gf of the past few years is fine, but I feel she doesn’t like me - I don’t know why as I have never expressed any negative view of her to DS and we have never had any negative interaction. They lived with me for 6 months after uni and then went to live at her parents’. DS delivered this news to me the day before Mother’s Day and they moved out ON Mother’s Day - he didn’t even give me a card. I was hurt. I am close with DS though I’m sure he has his complaints about my parenting over the years (as most kids that age do). Anyway I just keep my opinions to myself as I’m terrified that when they get married (I’m sure they will) I might end up sidelined from his life entirely.

Christmas - this is upsetting. I also love hosting Christmas and am also divorced and single. DS told me last Christmas that he’d be spending this Christmas with gf and her family. He spends every night with them now that he lives there. I spent every Christmas with my parents until well into my 40s, which probably colours my view of what “should” happen but I am still upset that DS won’t be here this year as I feel it will now just be like this every year. He does what his gf wants, in all things. DD will be with me, but I’m sure that once she graduates and steps into her own adult life, there will be years she doesn’t want to be with me and I’ll be alone. I think if that happened, I might plan a lovely holiday to take myself out of the situation entirely.

But back to you. In your shoes I think I would say nothing further to any of your children about this (as they will speak to each other so if you express a view to one, it may leak to the others). Make other arrangements. With the gf you are going to have to suck it up and be nice on occasions you see her (if you want a relationship with DS). She could end up your DIL. Hopefully she won’t but it could happen.

You can come to my house for Christmas if you like! I do a lovely Christmas lunch and it sounds like you do too so you can help!

Also if I were your DD I would ask my PIL if you could be invited to theirs for Christmas as otherwise you’d be alone. But that’s a separate point.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, you need to take stock. I've never yet had a Christmas where the family I grew up in hasn't featured, nor without my now adult children, so in theory your expectations are not unreasonable. But theory isn't reality for you so you need to move on and realise that, for this year at least, you need to do something else for yourself. You can host them all on another date, if they are willing to come.

Going forward, contentious arguments are best avoided during family gatherings. It's awkward and embarrassing to the bystanders at the very least. As the more mature adult (and host)I feel you should have maybe just nodded and said, that's interesting or somesuch. No need to have called her out. She could be your dil one day and for the rest of your life to come, so keeping the peace is an investment in keeping your son. We don't always need to express our opinions. Let it out later with a friend. (I have had a brother in law for over 30 years with opinions the rest of the family disagree with but we steer clear of certain subjects and I've become very fond of him for his other qualities.)

Aside from what has already been said, a piece of advice for you. You make reference to her taking drugs etc and that you know this because your son told you after a fall out with her. If you make reference to things he told you in confidence at a time that he felt vulnerable enough to confide in you, don’t recount those things outside of that conversation. He spilled to you when he was vulnerable and you’re using that as fuel against his girlfriend now. You will ruin the trust and he will never confide in you again.
(p.s. if she’s snorting cocaine and he’s saying everyone’s doing it, that includes him and probably his brother too. Where’s your anger for them about it? Or are they allowed because they’re men and she’s not because it’s not becoming for a lady…?)

I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

From this comment alone it is obvious that you are the problem.

Why are you so judgemental of her?
Why is it irrelevant if she has expensive pastimes and enjoys partying?

They have tried to be civil and spend time with you but all you’ve done is made people feel so uncomfortable that they don’t want to celebrate with you anymore.

Whats worse is that you’re taking no accountability for your actions.
How can none of your kids want to see you and it be everyone else’s fault - you are the common denominator here.

Honestly, you sound like a narcissist.
Even your thread title is poor me.
You should edit it to say that your behaviour has made all of your kids not want to see you on Xmas.

@BauhausOfEliott I totally disagree with your post and think the girlfriend sounds like a Royal Pain in the Arse.

The OP has got her measure - and no one likes that

@Brazien stay strong and find other friends or things to do this Christmas - keep the faith and hopefully your DS1 will see the light soon. I definitely wouldn't like it if one of my kids was dating a regular Class A drug user. What does it say about her high and mighty morals??? Not a lot.

No children owe their parent time at Christmas just because it is an obsession.

In my family and extended family we always worked over Christmas (HCW’s). It’s just another day.

I would focus on building a better life for yourself. Why don’t you volunteer on Christmas Day. Personally, I don’t like hosting ever and have scaled Christmas right back. I would much prefer to be snowboarding or skiing.

And all those judging the OP and slagging her off - take a look in the mirror. It might be you're not so great either.....

“think she did Literature and Philosophy at undergrad and strategic and political communication at masters level.”

Bright young woman has views and likes debating. My MIL was like this. 30 years on has seen her son about 15 times (if that). If you are like this you will be alone at Christmas.

Yes I’m actually shocked at how anyone can be so immature and self-involved that they think they deserve every single Christmas just because it apparently means so much to them. Your ex should have insisted it was 50/50 and maybe you’d be able to cope a bit better now.

Also agree with a pp that it’s very very likely that your son also does coke.

They had a massive falling out at the start of the year before Easter and DS was really upset he told me a lot about her life etc. and went back anyway.
^
Therein lies the problem

She doesn’t sound a pleasant person. I think you have to let him go and hope that he comes to his senses. It was beyond rude as a guest to talk about politics and religion at the dinner table. It sounds like she is not used to being challenged.

@Cucy Where did you get from OP’s posts that she sounds like a narcissist? Really? Because she dared disagree with her horrible DIL and because she loves Christmas?

People have been far too harsh with the OP.

I think your sons have behaved appallingly. Total lack of disregard for your feelings in the way they told you about not coming to Christmas. I am not sure I could forgive that.

you are entitled to your political opinions, unfortunately when it comes to family it’s best to keep ihose quiet.

in regards to her drug habit, please do explain to your DS there is no such thing as “recreational use”. She is a hypocrite who by using aiding the illegal chain of supply which caused untold damage she’ll never know. She honestly sounds horrible! Your poor DS.

TBH your DIL sounds pretty hard work, but tbf she is only 24 and from a culture that is more forthright in expressing themselves.

But, i agree with others that you appear to have tightly controlled events and peoples behaviours over the years - perhaps with the desire to be the ultimate matriarch of the family. I'd have a think about that and let go a bit.

Book yourself a lovely holiday and enjoy yourself. Your preferred traditions will change now that your DCs are adults and are partnering up. You will have to adapt and absorb if you want to maintain a good relationship with them instead of one where they see 'Christmas with Mother' as another bloody chore.

In some ways you are in a good position. You have been told quite clearly what the issue is. You can change it.

Personally I'd still find the girlfriend rather insufferable, but she might improve upon further acquaintance or maturity.

"finishing her whole rant"

The demeaning way that you continue to talk about her says it all. It looks like you dislike her enough to prefer damaging your relationship with your son instead of being kind and civil, so I guess it's a matter of choice. What you need to understand is that you don't get to do both - you don't get to both insult her and continue a close relationship with your son. Sounds like it was the straw that broke the camel's back. Have your children usually bent over backwards to keep you happy? Have they been cutting you lots of slack and they got tired of it? Some serious reflection is required from you here OP.

You are obsessed with Christmas which shows in your op maybe you dont mean to but it does come across as controlling you cant always get your own way it is not on your children to provide Christmas entertainment for you

@Brazien I think your sons have been hurtful toward you unnecessarily. I also think your son is wrapped up in a certain lifestyle, thinking his gf is sophisticated and glamorous. She sounds arrogant, rude, disrespectful and immature.
I'm sorry you are in this situation.

My advice is to back off, as painful as that is, and make plans for Christmas. I'd go on holiday for at least a week. You've apologized and you may have to do so again when an opportunity arises. However, I also feel that both of your ds sound like they have some issues with you that they haven't told you about. That's on them, but I'd try and talk that out and point blank ask what the deeper issue is they have with you. I'd say I'd like to know and work through it, suggest they seek therapy, that you'll do the same as you want to make amends and have a good relationship with them.
I really wish you the best. This must be so awful for you. Take this time to reflect, be honest with yourself and try and learn from this. I know previous posters have accused you of not accepting your role in this estrangement, but honestly, I'd be a bit gobsmacked to have someone be so opinionated and condescending to me in my own home. I'd have been the bigger person and wouldn't have debated, but I know I'd be at least slightly put off and have to self-talk to keep my mouth shut. And, fwiw, No, sophisticated and intelligent people don't do cocaine. That's just stupid.

(sorry for the essay)

The GF is clearly hard work, and has pushed DS1 away from you.
I am completely with you and would be devastated if my family treated me like that.
You are entitled to your opinions and she is entitled to hers. No need for her to shut you out.

Forgot to comment on the overly dramatic and frankly quite manipulative title of your thread OP. I'm spending Christmas alone and my children don't care - oh dear. Martyr and tiny violin comes to mind. Reflection time OP. Wishing you the best of luck.

In your position I would volunteer on Christmas Day to take your mind off of the situation, I did it a few times with Crisis at Christmas (Homeless Charity in London) it was the best day and so nice to give something back to those less fortunate than myself, if it wasn’t for my DC I would gladly do it every year!

I agree with everyone saying to book yourself a lovely holiday abroad. Of course there’s always the possibility that DS and his arrogant girlfriend will split up between now and Christmas and DS will expect you to be around to host him, but that won’t be your problem!

I think you need to go to Goa for Christmas and pick up an unsuitable boyfriend - a 30 yo beach bum would do it. Send back loved-up photos all Xmas long and say you have big news for them. Believe me, they’ ll come running (esp if you own your house)

The gf is a cool person by their standards and you don’t like her. Fine. But you should have kept that under your hat. They are young and just want to get on with their lives in their own way sounds as if they feel scrutiny and judgement from you. Just because you love Christmas doesn’t mean they owe you an audience.

Either volunteer at a soup kitchen for Christmas, or if you have the money take yourself off to Spain for a good week. Certain places will have lovely weather even at that time of year and it will be a welcome distraction from the falling out with your sons.