I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Cross post, but @Trallers advice is excellent.

I feel for you spending your first Christmas alone. But good for them doing what’s right for them, snowboarding holiday sounds like a great Christmas. And you 100% brought this on yourself. Also if she’s doing recreational cocaine then so is your son, obviously! Keep your mouth shut about their girlfriends and maintain a civil relationship so that you don’t get shut out as a grandparent if they have kids together.

Spend some of their inheritence on a lovely Christmas trip somewhere tropical. She sounds like a piece of work but you can't win this one. Find another focus in life and hope they don't get married and it fizzles out!

No, you are not unreasonable to be upset about this. But you had a hand in how things have come to pass, so own your role in this. Looking to apportion all the blame on the girlfriend is a waste of time because you don’t really know that she has driven all this. I hate this trope that women bewitch men with their feminine charms and turn men into slobbering thickos unable to think for themselves and blindly doing their bidding. It’s so tiresome. Give your boy some credit for being able to form his own opinions. Being judgemental about her lifestyle and drug taking is daft because your son is right there with her doing the same things. But she gets the blame? And your other son has no issue with her and is actually wanting to spend Christmas with her. Don’t make her out to be this dreadful monster in your life. It will only bring you more heartache and damage your relationship with your boys.

If they have kids together and taking cocaine then chances are they’re unfit to be parents and should be reported to Social Services.

The gf sounds a lot and clearly your son is of a similar level of intelligence/arrogance because of the way he spoke to you. If it was as upsetting as he says it is a shame that he couldn’t communicate with you sooner and you could all move forward. As an adult child I wouldn’t want my family to be alone. Now is time to make a life for you op. With friends, volunteering and maybe if you have the funds a holiday or a visit to your brother if that’s works.

I learnt a long time ago that Im on a hiding to nothing criticising DiL even though she is a piece of work.

Not sure what that’s got to do with Christmas but yeah… drug taking parents is bad.

In my opinion, from the information provided:

a) The girlfriend sounds bloody awful, I would not be able to stand her.
b) BUT you will need to consider that she may become the mother of your grandchildren/your DS's long term partner/wife, and therefore you need to be strategic about building bridges
c) you should get used to the idea of not having Christmas with your children, as whether it's wrong or right, they are clearly capable of leaving you on your own for it, and in your shoes I wouldn't want to come across as needy or sad about it as it will make them less inclined to want to spend time with you. I think this goes for all year round tbh, not just Christmas. Be busy, have your own life and don't volunteer every detail to them, let them ask - if they are interested they will!
d) it's interesting that your other son is snubbing you as a show of support for his brother, I wonder if there could possibly be more to all this than just the girlfriend and Christmas? Broader themes of ...something? If I were you I'd have a long, hard think about this.
e) sometimes adult children are just not nice to their parents when they don't particularly deserve it, sorry if that's the case here.

If I were in your shoes OP, I think I would prefer to spend Christmas alone. What a shite show. If you really can’t bear to be alone at Christmas then go and do some voluntary work somewhere. Soup kitchen? Homeless charity? Take comfort in the fact that you are not the only person who will spend Christmas alone.

I think you probably should have kept your mouth shut at Easter. Telling your son that you thought his girlfriend was arrogant wasn’t a wise move.

The fact that they told you over WhatsApp suggests that they were too scared or uncomfortable to say this to your face because they feared your reaction, and judging from how you then responded they were correct. It sounds like you are the kind of person they would prefer not to be around and if you want to change this then you need to change as a person. They are adults now and the years of unconditional love are over - you will be held to basic standards of behavior. This would include treating their partners with respect. Yes, she might have ranted on about a whole bunch of stuff that you disagree with but you don’t have to win any arguments. Just smile politely, pour more wine and let her get on with it. It sounds like you need to be in control - of the event and the conversation. Maybe think a bit about this.

This is excellent advice, please do take note of this op. Don’t throw things back in people’s faces that they have told you when vulnerable. It’s horrible.

The group chat and how they went about it all sounds really hurtful! However, it also seems like they didn’t want to engage in an argument about it all so left the chat quickly.

Yes you shouldn’t have said anything about the gf. She didn’t attack you personally, she just rather confidently expressed her opinions. You didn’t agree with them but didn’t need to tell your son about your dislike towards her. That has sadly now made things awkward and forced your other son to feel like he needs to take sides which is unfair on him.

I wouldn’t guilt trip your children into feeling bad you’re spending Christmas alone. Infact I would probably message them again and wish them all a great time, ask if they’d like some spending money for their trip as their Christmas present this year . Show you’re excited for them and happy for them.

Ultimately and sadly to say, that at some point in life you’d be spending Christmas alone. I have siblings and we all have our own families now. We’ve always alternated spending time with our parents and in-laws but as time goes on it’s not always possible to do this, things come up like one of our own children becomes unwell, extended family come up for a one off Christmas, we might just feel like spending the day in our own homes. My parents have always been happy with whatever our decision is though no matter how upset they’ve been to not get to see us on Christmas Day as we make sure to celebrate together on a different day.

Personally I would create a family group chat and propose a few different dates around Christmas to have a family meal, all partners invited etc.

I like the suggestions about booking a flight and going somewhere else for Xmas this year! It sounds like a difficult situation with your children and I sympathise. Whilst you shouldn’t expect to save this Christmas, maybe it would be a good idea to sit down with them and see if you can reset. Whilst you may not be wrong in this, it sounds like they are not going to back down so maybe you have to accept that and take responsibility even if that isn’t fair. Christmas will be fine with out your kids, there are others in your situation, either find them or just go on an adventure! Time to do some things for you!

Find something fabulous to do instead and use some of the time to work out how you can be civil to your children's partners moving forward.

The GF sounds insufferable, who wants to discuss heavy subjects like that at a family meal . I think your kids have been unfair in the way they told you and had obviously discussed it beforehand . I don’t think you need to kowtow to this woman or apologise . You have spent a lifetime supporting these kids and this is how they treat you . Personally I’d accept Christmas will look different from now on and I’d make my own plans . Your kids have their own lives to lead so you must do the same .

oh OP, I can’t believe you told your son you didn’t like the woman he’s clearly besotted with because she’s 25 and has some strident political opinions. Come on! That’s what being young is for!

You've brought this on yourself...

Apologise profusely, don't mention Christmas again, and only say positive things about her in future.

Invite them out for a meal and just smile and nod - get her on side, and your sons will come around.

You haven't got any hope this Christmas but maybe next!

I think it’s quite likely that op’s son’s delivered the message in that way as this is not a one off incident, but more an ongoing pattern of difficult behaviour from op, and they felt they needed to do something in order to shut the point down.

I think as well as myself, many other posters recognise this behaviour in our own parents.

I think your best bet here is to try and show all your children that you're unbothered by it so the other two aren't feeling guilted. You don't want a forced Christmas with people there against their will anyway.

I'm sorry you'll be alone, I would try and reframe it as having a one off indulgent year where you're the only one that matters. Maybe you could go away or treat yourself to something nice to eat that just you like, watch something you like that you normally don't in favour of everyone else ect.

After showing acceptance of their plans you could then suggest having a celebration either before or after they go away, hopefully this will go some way to getting the relationships back on track, just make sure you don't voice anything else negative about the girlfriend!

Sending a WhatsApp and then all flouncing before you can respond is a bit ridiculous.
plan you own day. Do something nice without having to host everyone.
don’t send gifts.
what does your daughter make of this?

She was pretty offensive to you in regard to religion. There is no respect for Christianity in the way people (well those of this disposition) are keen to enshrine other religions.

You were having a debate. You thought that was the point - to disagree respectfully.

However, your relationship with your sons is most important here. I think you need to apologise but not beg.

Going over the top in apologising reinforces her narrative. Be clear that you are sorry she feels you don't like her. This is not the case and they are always welcome. Give them room to come back rather than dig trenches.

The way in which they have communicated this is cruel and childish.. they'll see it one day but you can't force them to see it now and doing so will make everything worse.

Then make alternative plans for Christmas. Or at the very least don't mention it again. It's very easy to say this now but I'll imagine at Christmas it will sting them a bit not to have any kind of family.

Really the one you have to paint the face on for is your daughter who hasn't done anything wrong but is likely to feel bad about not being there.

Oh wow.

well the first thing is: life changes. Just because you want to be the queen bee of Christmas forever, clearly your children don’t love it as much as you do. It’s interesting that you focus so much on ‘hosting’ and not on seeing your family, spending time together, enjoying each others company. The way you describe it, it sounds like you want them all to pretend everything is just fine when it clearly isn’t. Your title implies that you are concerned about being alone, but you only talk about hosting. Bringing everyone to you is not the only option. Are you prepared to go to your DD house when she and her family decide to stay home and host you / in laws instead? Or to go to her in-laws as a guest?

it’s also interesting that nearly every response you’ve given since your OP has been to trash your DS1s girlfriend further. I’m not seeing a lot of self reflection here, or taking account of your own role in the big fall out at Easter. I don’t think you are as polite or civil as you think you are.

what’s your DDs take on the Easter argument?

I understand why this is upsetting, I would apologise for any hard feelings and say you hope it doesn’t need to impact relationships further. Even if she is a twat, just do it for the sake of your son. Then say, that’s fine about Xmas and make some other plans. At least it’s only September so you have time now to find some other plans, you don’t have to be alone. You might not be with your immediate family but you absolutely don’t need to be alone. There are lots of options!