I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Oh OP! This sounds like a massive own goal on your part.

Lots of good advice on here. LOTS of introspection needed here on your part.

I just wanted to pick up a couple of points that haven’t been mentioned so far:

1. this is the same son that didn’t come the year before either?
   I think it’s possible his feelings about you and Christmas have been brewing for longer than this year.

2. It reflects very badly on you indeed that you rang him up and offered to try and buy them out of their holiday in order to get them to change their minds and come to you for Christmas. It sounds desperate and controlling.

3. I think their treatment of you on the WhatsApp is terrible. It is extreme and I have lots of questions about just this factor.

I suspect DS1 felt he needed the support of DS2 and this was a way of jointly communicating to you.

It says something potentially about how they find you difficult to communicate with (overbearing or overly emotional perhaps?), that they put this in writing. Very planned. They won’t have done this lightly.

But adding partners and then all leaving the chat is mean. In years to come (not next year), I would mention to them that you found that very hurtful and that you hope that whatever their issues with you, they feel they can tell you in person and that it is the decent thing to do.
I would work extremely hard to be a person that they feel they can do this with.

I'm so glad my mum doesn't act like you.I agree the way they told you was odd however you don't exactly sound easy to talk to unless ever agrees with you so I'm giess that's why you were told in a message. Either way if you had made your opinions known I would very rarely ever want to visit you again. Me and my siblings all adult kids with own partners and family and my mum has never once expected that we wouldn't want to do our own Christmas things and neither has she voiced such weird and actually not that nice views either and so we continue to visit at Xmas just because we love her and have fun but neither would she comment if we said not this time

I think this is a great suggestion. Pour your energy and love of the season into people that will appreciate it and won’t otherwise be able to afford to celebrate it. It will also help you realise that your problems, while hurtful, are pretty insignificant compared to the problems many others face.

When my children are a bit older I’d love to do this (for safeguarding reasons wouldnt want to expose them in that way). It’s a privilege to be able to serve our communities and make a small difference to the lives of others less fortunate than we are.

Yeah this. Apologise and ask for a chance to go out with everyone in the new year x

The fact the other partners were in on the message (especially your other sons partner) is really telling. I wonder why they all wanted to really show this level of solidarity to you. Are there more tensions than you've spoken about here? What about the other DIL do you like her?

@Brazien best make alternative plans then and ask yourself some questions.

The girlfriend sounds like hard work but clearly you are also a person who likes to speak her mind so it's no surprise that you don't get along. The worst part of this story is how rudely your son communicated this to you, how out of the blue it was and how your other DS joined in, when it has nothing to do with him. You must have felt like you had been ambushed.

Just sit this one out and book a trip with a friend, or go see family elsewhere. Try not to focus on being alone for Christmas and think up some plan now that will distract you when the time rolls around.

I wouldn't want to spend time with you either.

All I can read between the lines in your post is “me, me, me”. For Gods sake you are an adult and if you can’t entertain yourself for one Christmas alone when your children seem to keep in contact throughout the year, it is pathetic. You are clearly burdening them with emotional distress and if you keep it up, you will risk losing them for good. Give your emotional intelligence-or lack of it, a good shake.

I think that you have to accept the world as it is and accept your children as they are, and accept that sometimes as a single woman whose children are free individuals with their own lives, you will sometimes have Christmas alone. It won't happen often unless you make yourself unpleasant to spend time with. They are right, they have given you plenty of time to make other arrangements. Work out what you want to do. You could go on holiday yourself (there are companies that specialise in singles holidays for the 50+ age group that will include Christmas options) or volunteer for a charity that hosts Christmas celebrations for disadvantaged groups, or you might be able to let your circle of friends know that an invitation would be welcome if any of them wanted to include you in their gatherings (difficult to do that in a way that is clear that it's totally ok if no one does, but you will sabotage friendships if you make them uncomfortable with this so be careful) or you could personally host a gathering yourself for people who will otherwise be alone, if you can find a way to gather a group of a reasonable size.

What you cannot do, and mustn't try, is persuade your children that they are wrong, you are right, and they should change their plans. It is irrelevant whether your son's girlfriend is reasonable or not, you do not have any power to change her or to influence his relationship with her. It doesn't matter whether this girlfriend wrong or right in her political opinions or any of the other things you have an issue with, anything you try will only push your son away. No emotional appeals and no criticisms. You can ban contentious political topics from conversation at your home , that's all.

Christmas day is just one single day. The joy and celebration of a family who love each other is not confined to that day. Christmas is a long festival lasting a minimum of 12 days from Christmas Eve to Epiphany. From a secular point of view it starts in mid November and traditionally it is perfectly legitimate to keep the Christmas spirit going until candlemas, 40 days afterwards in mid February, so thats a window of a good two to three months in which you can see each child for a special Christmas gathering if they want to. Whining about being left to your own devices on Christmas Day, and criticising your son's girlfriend's flaws, will not make them want to.

Sounds to me like you choose to be offended about lots of things and feel like a victim.

Sounds like you chose to be offended about her religious comments as you had just been to church. Surely you understand that other people don’t agree with religion/religion in poltics for good reason.

Even if there was no fall out, your adult kids are able to go away for xmas if they like.

There are plenty of other plans you can make for xmas. Please take some time to humble yourself.

I know plenty of people in a wide age range who limit their relationship or contact with their parents to one degree or another. I’m fairly certain that if you asked the parents they will all tell you they don’t know why or it’s because of this one isolated incident/petty reason their child(ren) gave, while every one of the children could tell you about a pattern of behavior and gentler attempts to address it.

OP, I would really reflect on the fact that both of your sons are in agreement on this. Your DS2 knows you as well as anyone, has presumably seen you around DS1’s gf (and possibly other partners), and is not in love with this girl, and yet he is standing firmly with his brother here. And while I understand some PP’s criticism to how they delivered this news, it honestly smacks of the way people resort to to communicating with someone that they anticipate will use guilt-trips or refuse to accept someone’s decision; it’s united, direct, and offers zero invitation for negotiation.

Apologize to your DS for insulting his girlfriend (and most likely for treating her “civilly” while making it clear to everyone present that you find her odious). It is never ok to call up another adult to tell them how unpleasant you found their partner in a way that implies you expect them to side with you. “Groveling” isn’t necessary and most likely will come off as manipulative, but if you choose to try to one-up them in the coldness or behave in a spiteful way then you’re likely choosing a long-term rift. Tell your sons you would like to work on repairing the relationship.

Make your own plans for Christmas this year through church or friends. Tactfully asking about joining your DD’s family with her partner’s side is ok, but absolutely do not try to get her onto “your side” against her brothers. Don’t ask her to intervene or do anything to imply she should, and don’t do a big song and dance about how her brothers are callously leaving you alone so she feels like she’s pulled into it or has to make up for them.

Yeah - sounds like she's a pretty intelligent, opinionated, educated and well travelled young woman... who lacks tact and life experience because she's 24.

And you also lack tact, upset your son who went running to both his brother and his girlfriend over it...

Your one and only option is to apologise, profusely and at length and ask for a second chance. Tell them you've found something fun to do over Christmas so you hope they have a lovely holiday... and mean it.

And learn to zip it and keep the 'omg this larval-stage human is an arrogant and precocious little wotsit' thoughts firmly in your head.

Your post reeks of your hatred for the GF. And that’s fine. But why would you want to spend Christmas Day with someone you can’t stand and will be “civil” to? And why on earth would your DSs want to be in that situation?

You mention her arrogance which must be frustrating, but why mention her father “funding her lifestyle” twice in the post? You sound very jealous.and what on earth has it got to do with you?

As PP have said, if you want adult children to spend time with you, then the best way is to welcome partners with open arms and bite your tongue and don’t share your views. You will alienate adult children if you can’t stand their partners. That’s seems obvious…

My god the answers on these posts are so harsh, you can see who would have raced to the village pond to see the witch being dunked or hurried to throw the first cabbage at the stocks.

The REAL answer is perfectly clear:

1. Say, ‘my dears, you are perfectly right, thank you so much for educating a poor misguided older person, bonne chance with the snow (!), I will be here hemming sack cloth and reflecting on my personal growth.
2. Book and expensive festive cruise by dipping in to any nest egg you might have put by for them.
3. Meet a highly inappropriate younger Berlin party boy called Hans.
4. Marry him on New Year’s Eve.
5. Start every successive conversation with ‘Well, but HANS says…xyz’
6. Die after a few years of hans-fuelled excess
7. Leave him your estate.

Srsly though, the boys want to go and fuck about with hot girls and drugs and because they can’t admit that have in the age old way of men spun it to be entirely your fault. However, like many mums my own included you may have unconsciously become a bit of a Christmas dictator. You must have told your own parents it was your way or the festive highway if you’ve hosted every year for what, 32 years? Rip it up and go for something COMPLETELY different.

Sympathies though, these things are very painful and while you may be at fault, their manners are somewhat lacking.

Book a ticket to Australia!

keep your opinions to yourself and don't be drawn . I don't think they have handled it well but it must be more serious than you appreciate .

I love this post. Pure gold.

It was hurtful the way they delivered the news, and probably feels like they are teaming up too. I would be hurt. You are allowed not to like his girlfriend op, but it’s probably best to have welcomed her with gritted teeth.

You have apologised. I would leave it now and let them get in touch when they are ready.

Can you go to Canada for Christmas and invite relatives? I would orobsmly want to do something completely different. A cruise or a long haul trip.

It’s only one day of the year. Try to embrace doing something else.

You were unreasonable, and now they have been unreasonable.

What to do now? Be completely reasonable.

Tell them to have a lovely time, ask them about it after, enjoy Christmas on your own, don't push any guilt or comments on them.

Be reasonable, and give it time, and they will come back. Especially as I doubt your son's relationship will last forever...

On the other hand, grovelling, guilt trips, comments, etc. and you will just drive the wedge further and further down

Yes, spot on. I’d say sorry to your Dc and the GF too—doesn’t matter if you are sorry but saying so and then not making any comments about her in the future will hopefully smooth things over.

A daughter is a daughter for life
A son is a son until he finds his wife (or partner!)

Regardless of the disagreements between you and your sons, my observation would be men always gravitate towards more towards their new lives or wives new families. If they’re in the 20s, they will be wholly focused on their lifestyle.

It’s not too late to find other friends or even do something like go abroad for Christmas yourself

Well, you dont have to stay home alone? Know anyone else who will be by themselves?

What about a trip to Canada or Australia for Christmas then to visit friends or family?

Leave them to it.

With all due respect, you’re a fully grown adult and so are they. You knew this day would happen sooner or later right? I don’t mean to sound harsh at all but you need to get a grip. Did you expect them to revolve their life around you forever? Supposing their partners families invited them round, did you want to tag along like a stroppy teen? Book yourself a holiday over Christmas, volunteer, or even just enjoy it on your own🤷🏻‍♀️ have you own Christmas with them another day.

it’s only one day I don’t think you should be getting this stressed over one day.

The last time I spent Xmas with my parents I was 16. My parents blamed my bf but I just didn't enjoy Xmas at home.

Now I don't even bother with it, it seemed a bit daft when I'm an atheist.

OP Your DS's gf is French, you need to take that in to account.

Make plans for this year, do whatever you want to be that ignore the day or go somewhere, then start building bridges.

I've heard this before and it is interesting because it is entirely the opposite in the country I live in.

Here the tradition is that men stay with their family, and the woman joins the mans family. So historically families have hoped for sons because if they have a daughter they know they will loose her to another family at some point.

In reality though I suspect these days it isn't so true in either countries cases. From what I've seen in the UK and abroad, the children gravitate towards which ever set of parents they best match with (practically, ideologically, socially, morally etc.) regardless of whether that is the wife or husband's family.

You sound like an absolute nightmare so I can 100% understand why you find yourself in this position.
You could also try finally growing up and realising that Christmas is one day of the year and stop putting so much attachment on it.
This reminds me in style of the awful poster the other day who was not going to invite her sister for Christmas and who swore that she would never be alone at Christmas because she had children (and the sister didn’t). This shows that if you’re a PITA, you could have 10 kids and they’d still not want to spend Christmas with you when they are adults.