I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Look I agree it could have been handled better but they know her far better than us, and I don't think she's covering herself in my glory by every single thing she's said about this woman.

And it's not really a credit to the OP if every single one of her children is just unkind and awful is it.

You were set up. I bet she pulls that sort of stunt with other people.

Why on earth are you slagging your DS's partner off to your other children? That is so beyond inappropriate. If I found out my MIL had been speaking about me like that to my siblings-in-law I would be furious.

Its all a fuss over two days

Oh dear. I can absolutely picture her, and based on this unfortunately she could be a long term match - with some dramatic breakups in the mix - for your ADHD DS.
You really have no choice but humble pie if you want to keep both DS in your life while she is on the scene. You both exude main character syndrome, but at the minute she holds all the cards.

I think the planned WhatsApp group and exit, plus subsequent texts, make it very clear they have all been talking and planning behind OPs back as to how they are going to 'punish her' or express their displeasure in their mothers behaviour. If they wanted to just break away they wouldn't have let their mum know in such a cruel way.

I highly doubt the girlfriend is the orchestrator behind this tbh. DS2 has clearly relayed unpleasant things OP has said to DS1. It sounds very much like 2 sons trying to get their own back on their mother

Its all a fuss over two days

Having just watched 'the girlfriend' on prime, all I suggest is leave them to it and enjoy a different type of Christmas to what you are used to. When it implodes, be there for your kid. I don't think you can ever be truly honest about thoughts of significant others with close family members. Accept we are all different and unless they are in harm's way, leave them to it. It is never received in the way it is intended.

I have to disagree, between my siblings we always make sure some of us can go down home for Christmas and my mum and dad are both there. Also the last couple of Christmases, my, husband, kids and I have spent it with our in-laws. Again they have each other but we still wouldn't leave them on their own (though they would never make us feel guilty about it - they are really lovely). Feeling lonely is awful especially at Christmas when emotions can be heightened. I wouldn't want any of my family to feel that way especially my mum who now as an adult with my own kids appreciate how much she did for us. I know the brother has been invited and yes he would obviously rather go skiing, definitely more fun but it's still not nice to leave his mum on her own. They should invite her. 😂

Or they’re, you know, choosing to spend time with someone they genuinely like being around.

You do seem very threatened by the fact that she comes from an entirely different and more privileged background, and are treating her as if she’s a malignant force luring your children away from you into a life you can’t relate to. I think you’re projecting your own insecurities onto her, when she likely wasn’t looking down on you at all.

I do think you find it very disconcerting that your son is making choices you wouldn’t, has chosen for himself someone completely different to you/the local girl you expected him to settle down, and is living a life alien to the one he was raised with. I suspect you see it as an attack on and rejection of you, and instead of accepting that your children are individuals in their own right that have made choices you don’t like, you’ve cast her in the role of hostile invading force that’s conquered them.

Um... I think she just posted about being left alone for Christmas.

You sound pretty dismissive about her losing her mum so young. We only have OP's version of the relationship with her dad and the money he gives her. Maybe OP's mum left her some money in trust that he manages. Who knows? I lost my mum very young and my relationship with my dad was pretty poor afterwards and I have sympathy for other people in the same situation.

The GF sounds manipulative, self-centred and rude and DS1 and 2 are lapping it up. Their behaviour sounds horrible.

If there was a disagreement, your son should talk it through with you and seek to resolve it, not punish you. An awful way to repay you.

Fuck them. Apologise if you want to, but mostly I would start living my life. Go to Australia. Spend your money on you. Be self-confident and have all the adventures you ever wanted, while you can.

You need to learn to bite your tongue OP.

When you were bad mouthing her, the other kids will feel you may do that with their partners too.

That's the sort of conversation you have with your friends, but to DS, should be "whatever you decide, I'm here for you".
Of course not agree with everything like the drugs, which he probably knows anyway.

Never heard of shooting the messenger?

He was broken hearted when saying negative things about the gf, whilst there's no excuse for you.

Like you said, lesson learnt, it's now how you navigate going forward.

It's tough that they're all siding with her, so first port of call is apologising to her.

And the backstory she’s given about why that’s happened points to deeper issues.

Ohh, that sounds juicy @Ireolu!

I agree that it’s best to keep our traps shut about family members’ partners. In our family, we all “know” that my FIL doesn’t particularly like his eldest DD’s husband, but it’s never been said out loud, we’ve just gathered that over 20 years. Similarly, they have a favorite DIL and I’m the second best, but still well-liked one. 😂 It’s all fine.

My son told me while they were broken up that her dad has just accepted she’s never going to want to settle down properly and suspects he just funds her to keep her in his orbit and prevent her from going totally off the rails. I did point out that someone who isn’t capable of really settling down probably isn’t a good long term partner but I think DS actually loves the chaos and freedom.

Sometimes I think it’s a little bit of a shame, she is rather intelligent and eloquent and has some very original ideas that if she sat still long enough to flesh out could make some fascinating books that would upset some and ignite others. But of course, it’s far more fun to risk your life in Chamonix than settle down!

Is it cultural to tell sister in law she would want to lose weight after her childbirth or to insist on a political debate when other party does not want to?

Nobody asked her for her opinion on these matters so she did not have to decide between telling the truth or a lie.

Why are you so unstoppably nasty about her

The 3 siblings sound like get on and probably been discussing things.
Eg boys mention they are going skiing to sister and sister says well you can tell mum she’s on her own. Them assuming sister would see mum. Debate who would take one for team this year and see mum. Discussions about what a big deal Xmas is to mum. They have at least given op a heads up in September, I would have called not group chat but I’m not in my 20s.

Can you not see at all how horrible you sound, you don't have a good word to say about her without adding something bitchy. Don't you understand how that must come across to your children?

It’s ageism and projection. The mother of adults is always in the wrong on here in a similar way to a stepmother. People find it difficult to accept that there are difficult people in every generation. Sometimes one person is at fault and sometimes there’s fault on both sides.

This is a tough one. She sounds quite rude (based on information shared), and you certainly erred in speaking too openly about the girlfriend during their breakup. I think most women have learnt better on that count by now, as friends often end up back with someone who isn't great for them😅

Though it may feel unfair, you will probably have to be the one to try to make peace to maintain your relationship with your children.

I think there is absolutely fault on all sides but have you read all of OPs posts? She's not exactly just trying to keep everyone happy and having four mean and nasty adults being horrible to her is she?

OP is very clearly incredibly jealous of this lady. It's quite gross.

She can't even hide her toxic judgement from her poor son!

Imagine the thread from her son's side - "my mum has said really cruel things about my partner, but still wants me to go to her for Christmas..." everyone would tell him to keep his mother at arm's length and not go at Christmas!