I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Sounds like it’s not mythical at all. She’s sounding like an exciting and vivacious person, and you’re coming across as bitterly resentful of it.
She hadn’t laid snares with her wiles to catch your enchanted son, and I think you’d do well to just lay down your arms and let her be herself, and while admittedly it’s all a bit challenging so far, you all might get on a lot better in 2026.

I think that unless your son had brought home a twenty-year old version of you, you’d have resented any girlfriend on some basis, as there appears to be a lot of unwillingness to view your ‘children’ as independent adults, and that’s the real problem, not firebrand coke-snorting Jet Setters.
.
You must be feeling very battened and bruised. Step away from this stuff and do something that makes you feel good; set yourself back on track and don’t get caught up in this for a bit.
After dusting yourself down and clearing the head, turns the time to think about a better way to look at this coming Christmas. (The fjords really sound like a great idea🎄)

I don’t know why so many posters are giving the OP a difficult time. I think the WhatsApp group from her children was incredibly unkind and her son’s girlfriend sounds awful.

Your last post is even more bitchy about a young woman than your others. We get it you just don't like her and you liked the previous GF that wanted to settle down and have a family and be a stepford dil who would come over every Christmas.

I suspect there was very much a who is going to tell Mum we won't be going for Christmas conversation between the siblings and it was decided a group chat set up to do so was the easiest option.

I can see why they decided that seeing the vitriol in your posting. You really do need to think on and rein it in because otherwise you are likely to push them away further.

No she isn’t but there are some very unpleasant generalisations in some of the replies.

But then I am biased- I have a very low opinion of those who hold the moral high ground on fashionable issues but also happily take drugs and turn a blind eye to the harm drugs cause in our society and all around the world

She's 24 FFS, why should she be sitting still? Obviously having fun in Chamonix is preferable to settling down, possibly at any age, let alone early 20s.

@thepariscrimefiles I didn’t mean to be dismissive. I lost my Mum in my mid-20’s so I do know how hard that is- and this girl was obviously younger, so much harder. My Dad is a bit of a nightmare tbh but I do have a good relationship with him, despite everything.

I dunno, this situation is def. alien to me. Many of my friends have children in their 20’s and what’s happening here with the OP and her sons is so different to anything that I have experience of. It’s very sad.

The offering to go to go to exercise classes could well be cultural. Op praises previous gf for making effort with the family.
They are very young to be talking of settling down. Obviously you made your choices and sounds like married young at 23 and then 3 children but that’s not norm these days.
You don’t want rift to grow. Honestly be bigger person and apologise and hopefully move on.

Well, I don't think anyone is 'inventing' that the OP shot her mouth off and pissed off her adult child, that she's made no secret of preferring his previous girlfriend, and that this may have given both sons the idea to spend Christmas snowboarding together with their partners this year, while the OP's other adult child is spending it with her ILs.

They've given her plenty of notice. It's not really worthy of all this Greek drama.

The OP, who says she's never spent Christmas alone, can have a nice time by herself for a change, or go away, and the chances are it will all have calmed down by the following year, when her daughter will probably spend Christmas with her anyway.

I suspect they jointly decided on a group message to make it clear they were all in agreement and to stop her contacting them individually and trying to play one off against the other.

I think the gf sounds like a young educated person with views of her own which doesn't match the OP's preference for the ex gf who wanted to settle down and have babies (defer to OP and be grateful to come every Christmas).

Skiing at Christmas sounds fab.
Prospective MIL hosting Christmas knowing that she's disrespected you in the past sounds rotten.

The GF sounds awful, but we are getting your perspective, OP. You say you've hosted Christmas since you were 23 - this year do something different, go somewhere fabulous, see new horizons. Honestly, I've probably spent the same amount of £ on Christmas at home as I have on a Christmas Solo holiday. Italy. Malta. Cruise. Lots of options about - please do not sit at home on your own sulking! Don't do it! Making your three adult children feel sad / angry / disappointed because it's not the Christmas you want is, frankly, rubbish parenting. Take yourself out of the picture, no festering or bad feelings, your children are adults and want to do their own thing. Let them.

I also agree that the manner in which they informed you was absolutely brutal.

Sounds like the intention was to publicly humiliate you to score points with his girlfriend.
That your daughter and other son would participate is just dreadful.
Not one of them thought it a bit off?

Making the group and then withdrawing is just vicious.

I would be a lot more devastated by that than missing Christmas and I certainly wouldn't forget it.

Make your own plans OP and my advice would be not to chase those that would treat their own mother like this.

I also think the WhatsApp group was unkind and unecessary. Why didn't the son just call or text and say that they were doing their own thing for Christmas because mum and girlfriend don't get on.

Op if you don't go away and even if you do, you could always do a parkrun on Christmas morning. You can walk it if you can't run it. Gets you out of the house/hotel and chatting to people.

(for the record, if I was visiting someone I wouldn't start slagging off their country. It's not the way to make friends. My son's girlfriend isn't British, and any slagging off of the UK (especially its immigration policy towards ex-students) is done by us, she just diplomatically nods along).

It’s human nature to not like someone who has attracted your sons with their lifestyle to the point sons don’t give a shit about you. It’s not that they don’t have right to have their own holidays away from op. It’s the way they set up a group chat and left immediately after speaking and before op could say anything.

Op is feeling abandoned and is venting here. You expect her to have pleasant things to say about her in this situation even on an anonymous forum? People should be allowed to express their thoughts, feelings of hurt some times.

The weight thing? Yes, absolutely. If OP and her DD thought the Pilates advice was rude then they’re lucky he isn’t dating a Japanese girl.

The political debate? It sounds like she was being engaged with (maybe not by OP, but others at the table), so of course she would respond. If it was the case that OP gave her opinion then tried to dictate that no one respond or question her, then it’s OP that was the rude one.

Agree with both of you. I find people like him frustrating.

I had a former friend like that, she would tell me x y and z about her partner when they broke up and I eventually commented then she went back to him and told him
what I said.

For what?! It just damaged our relationship irreparably as we both didn’t like each other, and she let us both know…then she felt awkward too since we didn’t get along. I eventually just stepped back from the friendship. I last heard they had a kid but very unhappy together. I hope they sorted things out but I’m glad I’m not there to be scapegoated any longer.

OP the problem is your son stirring the pot and I bets he didn’t tell her that he half agreed with you!

Op, you cannot control your adult sons. Let them have fun snowboarding or whatever makes them happy. You focus on your other relationships and hobbies. They have grown up to value different things than you.

The girlfriend didn't do that, her children did - and not just DS with the girlfriend.

You're right, you don't have to like everyone, you don't have to be vile about them though. And I think the way she is speaking about her is saying a LOT.

I agree.

I missed that she is 24. Good grief, wind your neck in. Why shouldn't she be having fun at 24. Honestly, you sound awful. You may think your relationship with your kids is great, but if this is how vitriolic and nasty you can be, I'd be keen to hear their side.

Yes the WhatsApp thing on the face of it sounds awful, but there must be a reason they chose, jointly, to do it like that (and inform the sister).

If they are all three just appallingly cruel, well, bad parenting?

I am team Hans!

The GF "shot her mouth off" about the OP too, criticising someone's religion directly to their face is not on at all. No wonder the OP doesn't like her. If my husband ever said anything like that to my Mam (who is a church goer) I would be furious with him, not siding with him

The girlfriend didn’t set up the group chat or force them to address OP as they did. She hasn’t forced them to ditch Christmas plans with OP. There’s nothing OP has said that suggests they’ve done anything they haven’t freely chosen themselves.

It’s them that she needs to hold responsible, not the girlfriend.

A teensy bit of humility…perhaps listen a bit more and spout your own stuff a bit less?

The gf sounds like a PITA.