I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

I am appalled at the treatment from your children and posters on here. Everyone one has been so incredibly self centred and mean. Your children were cruel. Where is the consideration? OP you are hurt, understandably so ( i also think if the GF was capable of arguing at her in- laws dining table, she sounds rude).

I am also baffled by the 'you caused this, it's your fault, be alone at Christmas and be miserable, you deserve it' often followed by scathing attacks on OPs supposed poilitcs. What is everyone on, has there been a bitch brew being shared around, that i missed?

OP is a person, who was publicly bullied on a whatsapp group by her bloody children. It is not on.

OP, have a whinge and a cry with a mate. Do not plan to be martyr and start thinking about what you can do instead that you can at least look forward to. Your son has behaved particularly badly, and you are obviously close enough if he shared details of his relationship.

Let sleeping dogs lie for now, do not issue any demands for apology. Stay sunny in interactions where possible.

I hope they look back on this and are mortified. ( for context I am divorced, have 3 older children ( no partners, yet) and am at great odds with my own right wing in laws, but I just walk away or change the subject of politics comes up. Christmas for us is about family and compromise

I’m not fond of my DS1 girlfriend but I have never let him think this is the case. I’m open and friendly to her and treat her the same as my DIL (who is lovely). You cannot expect your son to bring his partner into a situation where she might feel unwelcome or uncomfortable

Yes, it's actually disturbing how many people think op "deserves" this treatment.

My children are all adults and I feel so lucky every year they are still able to come to ours for Xmas.
I don't expect it and don't feel entitled to it.

Op be gracious with your sons, you never know how long the gf will be in ds1 life and who knows, depending on how you respond now, in time you will have them all round at Christmas again (or ds1 and a new gf!)

But the GF was offended enough to use a huge family drama as revenge..

Yes, we're not hearing the OP's side of the conversation.

Whenever I have a difference of opinion with my mum about something academic, she'll cite the professor she studied under fifty years ago, then try to get my dad to agree with her, and will say "tell her I'm right about this".

Last time I pointed out that there was no objective right opinion to the matter we were discussing, and that my professor (the one getting quoted in recent articles and whose work progresses the work of her teachers) disagreed with the idea of a single truth.

She could relay this as "arrogant girl banging on about her education", but to put it childishly, she started it.

The OP expects the girlfriend to not offend her about her Christian beliefs, but also thinks the girlfriend should keep quiet when she is offended herself.

I am surprised your other son is jumping on to pile on your misery,

Why is your gay son so against you, then, too?

Likes the idea of a Christmas ski trip I'd wager ...

No you’re right, she didn’t explicitly say “I know better because I’ve travelled it was a lot of”

I’ve experienced a lot of countries and cultures, I think maintaining the NHS as, as some sort of sacred cow is foolish and instead the uk should look to replicate the German system of private hospitals and universal insurance as I found that to be a much more productive system. Or I don’t think full proportional representation is actually a positive as if you look at Belgium you will see they often go through extended periods of instability due to hung parliaments and personally I know lots of Belgians who think that is a negative etc etc.

Sure, but exposure to different cultures doesn’t endow immediate mastery of, and ability to, navigate every cultural norm of those cultures (and cultural norms can and do vary significantly even within a single country).

She’s skilled enough to be doing well as a student in the U.K, and skilled enough to build a relationship with a British man, and friendships that include her BIL and his partner. OP is the one whose approach hasn’t served her well here. The girlfriend isn’t losing out on anything by not having a relationship with someone that bitches about her behind her back.

Well so long as the GF isn't losing out, because that seems to be her sole concern.

I’m on your side OP. The girlfriend sounds absolutely insufferable. However, to echo others’ points, probably best to keep your opinions to yourself unless and until there’s a definitive breakup. Even then you might want to be a little cautious.

Your son has been a bit of a wally to have told his GF your remarks.

I think you need to come up with a plan for christmas without your DC and also think about how to repair the relationship with your son and partner.

This is where you are now at OP. I agree.

I think he and his partner idolise DS1s girlfriend as some sort of outspoken, larger than life, chic and educated myth of a woman. My younger son really enjoys travelling and adrenaline based sports so has taken a lot of joy out of DS1s girlfriend taking them cliff diving in Dubrovnik or on some shady off piste run where you’re risking an avalanche killing your or teaching him a variety of water sports.

She seems to have quite the hold over them. My DD thinks it’s because we had relatively average hobbies and lifestyles and there is something quite fun about being around someone who is brave enough to do things many wouldn’t!

I don’t think the problem is your political beliefs or understandings. It’s your attitude towards your child’s partner of choice.
You can’t slag them off and expect all to be happy in the garden.

Plan your own Christmas and start work on rebuilding bridges with your family.

Do you think they could all just possibly like her because she's nice and fun and they enjoy her company?

The GF has said she is not offended by the debate, she actually enjoyed it.

The GF is offended by the insulting way OP has spoken about her to all 3 of her children. And as a result, doesn’t want to spend Christmas with her. Which is understandable, surely? She probably doesn’t even celebrate Christmas much given the way she feels about Christianity. And being French, Christmas Day wouldn’t be a massive celebration for her anyway. So she could be forgiven for not seeing the big deal about choosing to go skiing instead.

The DS’s and DS male partner have made their own decisions to also not spend Christmas with OP. Which is quite telling in itself.

So yes, she gave alternative views and referenced the reasons why she holds them. She wasn’t telling to that your opinion was wrong and/or that you’re stupid, she just believes differently and explained why. Imo there’s nothing disrespectful there at all, it sounds exactly like the conversations I had and have with my own family and friends at the dinner table.

Tbh I agree with her on both points mentioned. They’re valid opinions to hold.

Jesus, this meal sounds like a barrel of laughs!

Anyway it’s not the difference of opinion which has caused the issue, it’s you calling a young woman some pretty horrible names behind her back. It’s really clear that you still can’t stand her so hardly a surprise that she wants to come to Christmas at yours.

If you’re going to have a relationship where she is prepared to stay at your house it sounds like you’ll need to take it slowly. First step, wish them well on the ski trip and make alternative plans for Christmas without 3 months of emotional blackmail/ wheeldling and take it from there.

Tbf she sounds pretty clued up. Most 24 year olds don't even know what proportional representation means.

@safetyfreak He's been persuaded that their Mum needs to be “taught a lesson” and it’s likely that he doesn’t agree with his Mum on certain topics either.

But that’s not how healthy family relationships work, is it? Healthy families are kind to one another, not venegeful like this. Someone has deliberately encouraged the others to leave the OP on her own for Christmas and to do it in a horrible way with that group text. Of course, they could all go skiing-but why not tell their Mum nicely?

As I said upthread, it’s telling that the GF has a poor relationship with her father, she’s probably fallen out with him as well.

They sound like knobs, OP. I would keep my door open for my sons but I wouldn't go above and beyond cooking Easter meals or Sunday roasts for them anymore. Give them a cup of tea and a biscuit and that's it. And no more money or funding trips.

Why wouldn’t it be? Is she supposed to pander to someone that has been attacking her character behind her back?

Please don’t vent to your DD about it.

She really doesn’t deserve that.

Have you heard the saying "your sons your son until he meets his wife"

Lots of the opinions on here will be coming from mothers that have young children, who quite possibly feel sorry for the son's girlfriend because they can resonate with her rayher than the older MIL......fast forward a few years and they may find themselves in a similar position. It's very hard as a parent to sit back and watch your child be with someone who isn't perhaps good for them. We all have dreams and wishes for our children and when we feel that they deserve better its very hard to keep your mouth closed BUT you have to learn to. If you don't you will push them further away. It's hard, you've spent alot of your life protecting them, steering them in the right way and then they get older and people expect you to just step right back and do nothing.

You are much better biting your tongue, keeping the peace and being there for him if and when it falls apart. And if it doesn't then you should be happy for him because ultimately its his decisions that matter now.