I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

You were always onto a loser making hosting Christmas your personality with your kids growing up.

I went to my parents every year until after we were married, then alternated, the first two Christmases with our son, now hosting or by ourselves.

You have to accept the change, however unhappily. A lot of your upset seems to come from this "perfect hosting" you want, but in truth, you were a bad host by shutting down and arguing with a guest, then criticising her to your son afterwards!

A host graciously moves the subject on, they don't control and out down their guests.

Stupid comment.

Not because she is a woman no. Just feel really sorry for OP and her daughter isn't the one falling out with her

There's a reason why politics, money and religion aren't considered dinner table conversations...

@Brazien I think you've had some very harsh replies here.

There's not much you can do except zip your lips and carry on. The advice you've had to go on holiday and do something different & fun for Christmas is good - I also think you need to come to terms with the fact that your children are probably going to want to do Christmases differently in future.

So you need to find a way to be OK with Christmases not being your event in future, hopefully by next year things will have settled down and you'll all settle into a pattern where christmas is rotated between hosts.

I actually think your son who has cancelled Christmas with you in solidarity with his brother is being unnecessarily cruel.

Thread alert! Dr Freud in the house. 🤓

I think you're lucky. I'd love to have a Christmas by myself. Last year I had to cook for 3 sons and a partner. This year we have to go to my MiL.

For every parent, there comes a time when the DCs establish their own traditions for Holidays (in this case, Christmas). That's the point where you flip the narrative and do something completely out of tradition for your 'off' years: volunteer on Christmas Day, see if you can join DD's in-laws, join an 'orphan Christmas', visit your brother in Australia, have a holiday elsewhere. Just don't sit at home on your own, having a pity party. This scenario was destined to happen at some stage, but unfortunately for you it is tainted with this fallout with DS's gf.

Accept that this Christmas you're not spending with your DC and in the meantime, try to repair the damage with DS gf.

The contempt and disdain a lot of older women have for young, intelligent and forthright women is dripping throughout this thread, and OP isn't even the worst offender. Words like "pussy-whipped" and "cunt-struck" are shockingly misogynistic.

The girlfriends sounds like a lot of fun. Interesting that the OP focuses on the hedonistic aspects of her lifestyle and not the fact that she's highly educated and able to formulate political arguments across a range of subjects in her second language (and in my opinion she's not wrong about the things she argues). All that and she knows how to have a good time - no wonder he's smitten.

I also think youthful idealism and forthright principles are much smarter than the patronising fence-sitting that most older posters seem to prefer. MNers love to think of themselves as wise, which is laughable. I hope she holds on to her beliefs throughout her life.

Nah I'm with you OP. Some people are just rude and arrogant. There's no talking to them as everything they say if offensive regardless of if they mean it or not. I try to avoid having political conversations with people because I disagree with them on most points. I'm not the type to force my opinions down their throats but they do it with me so I just shut down and let them waffle on. As for Christmas, maybe try to organise something with friends? Basically, you will always be there...but the GF might not be.

Im glad your son has stuck up for his girlfriend and himself

Exactly. I wouldn’t want to spend my Christmas holiday with someone who hated me so viscerally. There’s not a chance OP can contain it and be civil. And “civil” isn’t really an appealing prospect anyway - you would want “nice” as a bare minimum.

They are in their mid to late 20’s, it isn’t their responsibility to entertain you each and every Christmas even ignoring the fact it’s obvious you did make comments that offended his girlfriend. I have dc in their 20’s sometimes I see them at Christmas, sometimes I do not, they have lives too. I still have parents alive who make it clear that it’s up to me whether I’m with them or not.

repair the damage you have done before it’s too late, you obviously don’t like her, perhaps take acting lessons!

Sounds like your straight son has been pussy-whipped and your gay son is being a spineless knob.
Either way, it sounds like your son's don't particularly like or respect you very much and it sounds like you're trying to make it the girlfriends problem.
The best thing you can do is move forward from this, have a different Christmas this year - there have been plenty of great suggestions up thread - and try to repair your relationships with your son's when the dust has settled.
The way they went about it, dumping you in a group chat and then virtually flouncing was hurtful, don't give them the satisfaction of a massive reaction, which is likely what they're expecting and want. Just hold your dignity and leave them to it this year.

Apologise for WHAT?

FFS!

Perhaps older women have lived longer on the planet and see through 'young things'! I can see them coming a mile away and how, because I was one myself and the most arrogant, well educated snob that ever lived. Life smoothed off the jagged edges with things like facing death, dementia, incontinence. They are very sobering when you have to deal with them in your once sophisticated parents. All that intelligence, sophistication, and fun, become a nonsense when reality strikes.

Also, FWIW, my mother and I have had some murderous arguments and my mother in law has offended me on plenty of occasions. I would never see either of them alone for Christmas.

@Brazien there is absolutely nothing you can do about this other than give it time. Part of it will be around that the kids want to do their own thing and some of it will be the Gf driving it. Part of it is on you but honestly she sounds like hard work. As you say, while you should be able to debate politics and the like, it’s not a good subject for a family gathering. You clearly rub each other the wrong way. It’s all well and good your DS saying you offended her but it seems to me (albeit from your description) that she thinks she knows better than anyone and you should defer to her. I would not be asking anyone to reconsider - the best thing you can so (much as I know it is hard) is to make your own plans and get on with it. Let them come to you, or not, but don’t go back over the old ground. Consider a trip - a christmas cruise, visit your friends in Canada. Make yourself busy. Volunteer.

I’m in a similar situation to you but my son is still at home. My daughter is married. My only sibling also lives abroad in the US. I’m divorced too. I’ve always accepted that one day I may have to spend Christmas alone but it’s just a day and I can have them all round and have the same good time on a different day. I’ve told them both not to feel guilty if they wants to do something else. Your children are adults and want to follow their own paths and create their own traditions. Don’t become bitter. Plan a nice different day for yourself and invite them separately or together on a different day.

Learn the lessons from what your sons told you and don’t criticise his partner in front of him.

I wonder if she will even be around at Christmas?

She might see your son as too sycophantic, being as he seems to have dropped his own mother in favour of her. She might lose respect for him or she might see it as a triumph.

I would do nothing and stand back.

Having read this thread, I want to spend Christmas on a cruise looking for the Northern Lights!

Coming at it from a slightly different angle, I wonder if your sons (and their partners) wanted a skiing Christmas and the tensions at Easter have given a bit of an excuse to swerve your quite rigid expectations. I do think it is time for you to rethink those, because it isn't reasonable to have them set in stone as a model all your kids have to follow forever. They will want to do things their way and this is normal. You had an awful lot of Christmas Days your way when they were growing up and beyond.

Your chance of being included in future plans does depend on at least having a non combatative relationship with their partners of choice. Plan something you want to do for Christmas, don't guilt trip your sons, don't involve your daughter, try to rebuild some bridges slowly and learn to bite your lip, because (and apologies if I'm wrong) it doesn't sound as if the girlfriend was expressing the sort of eg racist views that should always be called out.

I do think that there may have been some truth to what the son said. The girlfriend is from an entirely different cultural and socio economic background to OP, and it isn’t one she can relate to.

This isn’t a ‘local girl’ that will settle down close to OP, and if the relationship lasts then that means her son definitely won’t either. IMO it does read like OP is threatened by someone that she sees as taking her son away and absorbing him into totally different life.

I think that you sound like the "MIL" that others post about on here.

Your children are adults. How they went about that was a horrible thing to do and I do think external influence there.
However better to be the healer - approach & apologise any upset in your home and vow to keep those topics off the table & spend time enjoying food, games etc. Siblings will often stick up for each other so if one child will be more empathetic & you know will take any apology seriously that's good place to start. Sad but universal truth sometimes we don't love their partners but it's our job as parent to build bonds. We can't change them but we can change how we act. For this year maybe look for a compromise plan a Christmasy day not on the day itself and don't bite on any arguments. Life tastes sweeter with no drama & champagne.
You could even them an invite stating that - go written if can. And state " love to all".
Hopefully you can build through this and some of those relationships might not last but if they do make them feel part of the family even if the bragging/ arrogance is hard. Some maybe cultural difference and how blunt and direct some people are used to being.
You clearly love your children
You are probably at perimenopause age. It's not easy years but rebuild you self care and build back the relationships were it works for you and your children. Good luck.

As for this year, if you have the money, I recommend looking at cruises, they really look after solo travellers. There’s an excellent solo traveller cruise Facebook group that gets special offers directly from the operators eg no single supplement. If that’s outside of your price point then consider volunteering at a Christmas meal project, there’s always a few around and they will usually appreciate experienced cooks. Upside is this charitable act might go down well with the girlfriend, perhaps ask around local churches?

Ignore my question on how do you know.