I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

I really wish people would stop dragging the DD into this. She has put in perfectly normal parameters on how she is spending Christmas with consideration for both sets of GPs. It feels like no good deed goes unpunished that she is now expected to rectify her DBs behaviour and put two sets of people together that are likely not well suited, plus it’s rude to invite to someone else’s gathering.

If she does this once, guaranteed that’s it for ever more.

I have just started watching “The Girlfriend “ on Prime. Seems quite apt here with a formidable GF and DM.

This forever! Well said.

I agree.
If there is a year she cannot split herself, no guilt tripping.
The world is your oyster, OP.

Lol! Posting politely on Mumsnet and criticising someone's misogynistic language is not 'harassing strangers'! I didn't report that post or ask for it to be deleted, I just gave my opinion.

Me too. Another sign op is very much a ‘my way or the highway’ type, if this thread itself wasn’t clue enough!
The girlfriend was, by your account, immature and somewhat rude but she’s who your son has chosen so getting into it with her or speaking negatively about her was never going to end well. Your complete disdain for her drips from every line of your post so you can’t be surprised at them not wanting to spend Christmas with you. The fact your other son has sided with them is a bit of a red flag towards you too, I’m afraid.
Hopefully next Christmas will be better. Spend some time cultivating better relationships and hope for the best! Even without this falling out, it is unreasonable to expect your children to forever spend Christmas with you, whether it’s one or all.

They were very insensitive to break the news to you that way and run from the WhatsApp group immediately.

Although, issues with the gf aside, I do wonder whether this is more to do with your DS's desire to be able to make their own decisions about Christmas for once. During the years as children where they always spent Christmas with you, was there opportunity for them to say 'Actually I'd quite like to see Dad at Christmas next year'? Looking back on their childhood now they are adults, there could possibly be some feeling that they didn't get a choice.

The Girlfriend on Netflix needs to be essential viewing for you. A cautionary tale about what happens when you challenge the girlfriend and try to persuade your son that she's bad news ... even if she is an utter twat (and she does sound a sanctimonious pain in the arse).

My mother disliked my brothers first girlfriend 25 years ago. She was snobby, arrogant and would not make even the most basic effort to talk to and connect with his side of the family. (Never liked her either tbh).
Guess what? They are still together. Two teenage kids. Happily married. My mother? She died 10 years ago.
So stop trying to influence your sons choice of a partner. Also stop guilt tripping your dc. Just because you love Christmas, doesnt mean they have a duty to spend it with you. Ideally they would, but they seem to dislike your behaviour atm. Find someone else to host for. They will come back once you stop being so judgemental.

@terrafirma2025 i can not imagine how horrific your own relationship history with your family, maybe your own children, that would result in that post being spat out on this thread.

Sorry but your children are adults and can spend Christmas however they choose. It really isn't their problem that you are alone, do you have friends you could spend it with? Or just spend the day doing things you enjoy, or book a holiday?

I have not RTFT as there are 23 pages! But there seem to be an awful lot of very unhelpful and hurtful remarks on here. How about NOT just going on about how the OP is such a dreadful person who did such a terrible thing and brought it all upon herself - if that is your opinion, and come up with some helpful and kind solutions.

I imagine that the OP already knows she has made a mistake, and move on.

I too love Christmas, and spending it with my family is REALLY important to me. I rarely get to do that any more so I know how difficult it is to know that you are going to be without them at that, important to you, time of year. I am extremely lucky in that I have a wonderful husband to spend mine with, but to me it's not a proper Christmas without some of my family around.

We are going to be on our own this year, and what we have chosen to do is to go away for the long Christmas weekend. We are going to Butlins! We don't go for the entertainment but the atmosphere is always wonderful, the food is (in my opinion) plentiful and good, it's next to the sea and I love being by the sea, and there is always a fantastic fireworks display on Christmas Eve. We have found a church we like to go to on Christmas morning. We just enjoy not having to be responsible for anything and being free to do whatever we want.

I imagine Butlins might be a step too far for somebody on their own (and maybe not your cup of tea) but there are lots of other minibreaks that you could go on. Or you could, for once, relish the fact that you don't have to arrange ANYTHING this Christmas. Get yourself some little treats, food, facepack, new book, whatever it is you like and plan a day of decadent indulgence. Or, maybe, if church is your thing, to go a service somewhere special you wouldn't normally go to, like your local cathedral, if you have one. Or do something you really enjoy that takes you out of the house. I always enjoy going to the beach.

My parents used to get themselves a really luxurious steak and some delicious nibbles. My father used to go to mass in a nearby monastery (he was RC, Mum wasnt), she used to enjoy not having to cope with not having to keep everyone happy and doing (nearly) all the work.

As for mending the relationship with your son(s) and his girlfriend, that is something I'm not so good at. I would NOT make any further mention to them about seeing them at Christmas. I would apologise, sincerely, to your son and his girlfriend for upsetting her because, whatever the rights and wrongs of it, you did upset her, and let them know that you hope they have a wonderful Christmas break. Then, once you know what you have planned, just let them know what it is in a low key way. Just - by the way I'm going to be (insert location here) from the 23rd to the 27th December, but I will have my mobile with me.

I would hope that your gracious acceptance of the change of plans this year and the apology (which I would hope is matched from the other side - but you mustn't expect that) would be enough to thaw things and make it easier for you all to think about how to take things forward.

@RealPerson I disagree with you there. The daughter has already told the OP that this year she and her family are spending Christmas with her in-laws on a year about basis. She is one of three siblings, so why should she feel she 'has' to be responsible for her Mum this Christmas? As the OP used the words her daughter 'made it very clear', it seems to me that perhaps the daughter also feels her Mother is very demanding and had to stick to her guns about what she herself is doing this Christmas? Why should the daughter step up? Because she is a female?

Three adults decided they don't want to spend Christmas with her because of it but they must be in the wrong and it's all orchestrated by THE FRENCH!!!!1111!!!

Even when she explains what the the conversations were about it's all the girlfriend's views...

I think you’re taking some hard flak here OP.

Whilst I agree with the majority - she’s bright, her opinions are educated and perfectly valid - she should have conducted herself with FAR more diplomacy and respect for your beliefs & opinions in your home amidst your family.
You are clearly very different women.

Unfortunately, he is c*ntstruck and assuming they're both doing coke - not capable of rationalising your viewpoint at the moment….This coupled with what you said about the recent breakup, strongly suggests it’s unlikely to last, so if I were you, I’d kill her with kindness until she’s finished with him and pick up the relationship with DS from there.

Do a soup kitchen or carehome deed on christmas morning/lunch then either slob in your PJs with choc & liquers afterwards or take a bottle round to a good friend’s for a couple of hours late afternoon.

Lastly, I’m sure they collectively DO care and you’ll be fielding calls & messages all day. Showing them your independence, kind values, generosity & fortitude is the most powerful recourse imho x

Picking up on some posts here -

I remember when I was in my early 20s I absolutely knew it all in terms of politics and everything really! I argued at every opportunity with my parents (though I wouldn't have done so with anyone else's parents, to be fair to the youthful me - I was brought up to be polite to my hosts - or with non-family present).

As I've got older I've seen the importance of looking for common ground with everyone, not trying to find out if their political or other views exactly co-incide with mine, and if they don't, either going NC or causing a big row. God, the drama people on MN seem to love. If someone doesn't agree with your world-view - just cut them off without a backward glance. That's no way to live your life.

The old etiquette used to say: avoid religion and politics over the dinner table, and it's bloody good advice! OK, OP might have expressed political or other opinions first, but whatever the situation, when meeting new people (especially your partner's parents) I would have thought the aim would be to get along as best you can and show respect for them. If you are hoping the relationship will be a long one, surely that's the sensible thing to do?

Either OP must have come out as a raving Nazi (unlikely) or the gf must be a right PITA for her to have developed this much antagonism so early.

But 70% of the problem is OP's fetishising of Christmas. I think she should re-think that, and next year - do her own thing with no regard to her children. If they then want an old-fashioned family Christmas, they'll have to go and whistle.

I think your children are right.

Your resentment and jealousy of the French gf comes over in every word you write. There is absolutely no way you would be “civil enough” to able to contain this over a Christmas celebration in your house, even for one day.

At some point you would explode and the fall out would spread like a wildfire and your relationship , not only with their partners, but with both your sons would be lost forever.

You need to accept that your sons are doing everything they can to avoid this scenario, both for your sake and for theirs going forward.

Take the time to work out how you are going to build a relationship with this girl, if, as seems possible she will be your sons partner for the foreseeable future.

Have you ever read the Olive books by Elizabeth Strout? You sound like Olive, someone whose irrational hatreds and emotional outbursts alienated many colleagues, friends and relations.

Aw I feel really sorry for you, especially given your arrangement with your ex re. Christmas in the past.

I also think it's easy for people to put you in the much hated mother-in-law position and ignore the fact that your son's partner is coccaine snorting, arrogant and doesn't treat you with respect. They're in their 20s so fingers crossed they break up and future Christmases are nicer! **

Take control the only way left. Smile broadly and apologise while acknowledging that you were a bit taken back but have, on reflection, found her bright and beautiful and great fun. Lie. Say you were a bit shocked at the WhatsApp but of course you hope they have a good time. You will be fine and have already made plans (you can do this and at some point we’re always going to need to as no one adult gets to chose where all the other adults go for Christmas) Bung them all a wodge of cash and tell them to have some drinks on you. That you love them, miss them and hope to catch up in the new year - preferably with everyone - children, grandchildren and girlfriends etc

You son does sound incredibly p*ssy whipped and his GF sounds like a nightmare and really rude (her comment to your DD should have earned her a slap). But given your other son is supporting his bro could you be downplaying your comments…?

That said you need to really build your network outside of your kids. Join groups, volunteer. I lived overseas for years away from all family so had to build my network to spend Christmas with.

Also this is weird. She is a weirdo:

She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church

My exh said this about Christmases at first - that he “didn’t care about Christmas” and I could have the kids every year.

He soon changed his mind when it became an reality, and obviously I was understanding enough to let him change his mind.

We do every other Christmas now (my kids are teens but we’ve done this for a while)

I’m just annoyed my work won’t give me enough time off to go to the Canary Islands whilst they’re with him, on top of me having NY with the kids 😂

Maybe she was on cocaine at Easter ? It can make people come across very arrogant

How do you know about her cocaine habits.

Very harsh.

You've added a lot from your own psyche there! Interesting.

at some point in life our adult DC will go their own way and make their own plans for the holidays. Looks like that time has now come OP. I’m sorry you are upset but think it’s just how things go.

@TheOtherAgentJohnson

What did you say to your mother?!

“We need more white people?”

How would that work when your DH is mixed race?

🫣🧐🙃🫠