I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

She sounds like a perfectly nice mother, who is flawed like the rest of us and probably doesn't enjoy being spoken over but is willing to keep on trying to make an effort for the sake of family peace. She's a mother who wants to maintain relationships with her adult children, even in the face of hostility. You're being unreasonably harsh on someone you don't know, because in your view lots of mothers behave a particular way.

It's clear that behaviour and attitudes like the girlfriends (and the sons too) is sadly fairly commonplace these days.

Ultimately, you need to get to the point where you like his girlfriend and enjoy spending time with her. You need to look for her good points and figure how why how she lives her life bothers you so much seeing as it’s nothing to do with you.

Your DS could well end up marrying her and so if you want to maintain a close relationship with him then you need to accept and choose to like the partner he has chosen.

As for Christmas, of course his GF doesn’t want to spend it with you when you’ve made it clear you don’t like her. And of course your DS wants to spend it with her. How you spend your Christmases is not the responsibility of your adult children. You need to find alternative ways to have a lovely Christmas and forge a life beyond your children.

All her posts are about her and her feelings and her needs. Absolutely nothing about her children. And hosting and cooking does not give anybody the right to decide how grown adults spend their time. I see this time and time again with parents of adult children who seem to expect time to stand still. The OP has been able to own and manage her own Christmas traditions since she got married at 23 - why is she not allowing her children to own and manage their own Christmas traditions now?

I doubt all of this has come from nowhere. Her children have quite clearly had at least a few conversations prior to this and that’s why they have put on this united front. That rarely happens without a significant backstory. One child may be “unreasonable” but all three?

One of my sisters is charm personified. She hosts, is pleasant and will quite literally give you the clothes off her back if you say you like them. But what lies underneath that is a controlling and manipulative person who uses the fact that “she does so much for everyone” as a means of controlling her entire family, throwing tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way, and turning people against each other.

I am not going to comment on the GF or what you said - neither of you come off well in what you have described.

What I will comment on is the way you now need to reframe Christmas for your own sanity.

Your DC are grown up and forging on with their lives. Some Christmases you will have company, others you may not. You are at a different phase of your life now. When I haven't had Christmas day with my DPs, we meet on another day and make a festive day of it. You are going to have to be flexible with other people's diaries if you want to celebrate together

But where was OP's consideration for her husband on Christmas day for the last 23 years?
She said it was "agreed" by them both, knowing how much Christmas day meant to her - anyone can say that and leave out the fact that that they were the ones who laid down the law and told their ex that they can have the second half of the Christmas hols. Sounds like he was told and he accepted.

Christmas day is a very special day, granted. But it's special for everyone! It's not just for her - it's not her birthday! She's very selfish for taking that away from her childrens father. Imagine not being able to see your children waking up with excitement and open their presents on Christmas morning? The last time her exh had the privilege, the kids were around 8, 4 and 2 years old. That's heartbreaking.

I bet the OP’s kids are regulars on the stately homes thread

@caringcarer I actually think her daughter should step in here

You had a verbal fight with this woman. She shouldn’t bully you but the same could be said for you. The relationship is broken being together at Christmas would be a nightmare. You can see that can’t you? Now start looking in your local papers on the Internet if you don’t have single friends look for places where single people can go for three days over Christmas do something different this year go to a hotel in a place you’ve always wanted to go you’re a strong tough woman with strong political views don’t be killed by this. This is part of us women growing older and stronger.

I think you should have just nodded and smiled at the GF. She sounds the type whom will more than likely shoot herself in the foot and fall from grace all on her own. Your only concern should be your Son's. Let her own Father deal with her sickening behaviour. It's a situation where you really need to bite your tongue.

However, your children have treated you poorly. I would be making it know that if they consider you to be such a poor parent, after bringing them up, keeping them alive, and ensuring they have the lifestyle they are currently able to live - They won't be expecting anything in a Will and you will leave it all to your daughter, or a charity.

Your daughter should really ask about bringing you to the in-laws. It's Christmas...People need to stop being so mindless for a whole 24hrs and think of others. I honestly am shocked at the height of selfishness I see amongst families, these days. They don't realise that every Christmas could be a -last- christmas. Life is short.

I do feel there is always 2 sides to the story, but to punish you is not justifiable. There is no condoning their behaviour. I would let them know how disappointed you are and not to come crying when the shit hits the fan.

Spoil yourself and your daughter. Do something so grande it will hit your sons where it hurts.

Also I think Europeans can be a bit blunt in conversation generally they're not rude just cultured differently

You asked for examples of how she's been accommodating and I provided them. Now that you can't claim she isn't accommodating you're moving the goal posts of your original comment.

How has she not allowed her children to move on with their own Christmas' . She's literally said her diaghter will be spending one Xmas with her and one with her inlaws.

What you and your sister do is irrelevant and your projecting.

I won't be replying to you again, you're talking pure drivel.

Agree with this.
Think your younger DS is the one being most unkind, your elder son is obviously going to ‘defend’ his girlfriend but your younger one is making the situation worse and inflaming the drama. Siblings can help in this sort of situation by being a bridge between parent and their sibling, calming things down, and staying neutral. Instead your youngest is enjoying having a dig at you and cementing the rift.
If one of my dds had a boyfriend who lived entirely off Daddy in his twenties, and spent that cash on endless holidays and in particular drugs, I would be saying something as well. Does she have a coke habit ? As using a drug that funds death and misery is not something I would keep quiet about. Do your sons also use drugs, is that why they think she is such good fun ? Why do your sons think that it’s great for this young ‘exciting’ woman to be opinionated but not you ? I think they are pigeonholing you as ‘boring old mum’, so go off to Italy for Christmas and tell them no presents this year as you are doing things differently.
I do think that in the future staying as quiet as possible about your dcs partners is best, although not about something like class A drug use.

Unfortunately as the divorced mother of adult children there will be some Christmases alone, no matter how much you have enjoyed it hosting in the past. Your wants don't trump other people's. It's one day.

I loathe Christmas because of the relentless impression the media and adverts give that everyone is surrounded by family and friends. They're really not.

I would forget about it this year and concentrate on building a relationship with your son's partner. If you're trying to engineer a "it's her or me, choose" situation, he'll choose her.

Well thank god for that.

Your DSs partner sounds like an entitled teenage brat. I find it hilarious when those people who are so vocal about some sort of world injustice, are then fuelling the problem through drug consumption.
Anyway, you made a mistake. You should have smiled and nod when you heard her opinions. Some learning for future encounters.

Whilst the situation resolves itself ... or you come to a place of getting along, you could volunteer to help out at a charity for Christmas Day. Giving to others less fortunate than yourself is very rewarding and makes you grateful for what you have be it health a job or home.

So it's a young, hot, exotic Frenchwoman, sophisticated, glamorous lifestyle, well educated, well travelled, with interesting opinions, rich daddy, Mayfair parties, skiing holidays and (prob) steamy sex.

Vs

Boring old (not talking about the age) mummy in her boring old house.

And you thought you might win??? And you call HER arrogant??? 😁

Also telling is the fact your second son doesn't support you either.

Not to be rude, from what you described, I'm not surprised the gf and your son don't want to spend Christmas day at yours. With your relationship it doesn't sound like it would be a relaxing or enjoyable experience. Also your kids as they near 30 are well entitled to share holiday time with their own families. You have been given plenty of fair warning to come up with a plan B. And not just for Christmas tbh. I'm sorry, it sound like you are becoming lonely so before it becomes insurmountable it feels like you either need to make new friends, reconnect with old friends, or better learn how to enjoy your own company.

I really hope she doesn’t. DD doesn’t need to be put in the middle of this situation.

Has it occurred to you that this French woman may be narcissistic. She has fallen out with her father, she is now refusing to come to the wedding, trying to estrange you by taking offence, getting your other son's on her side with her Gallic charm to go against you! Beware! Keep a note of any exchanges you have with her to see if there is a pattern. She may also be jealous of you and your sons' relationship with you and be trying to bring it down French or not, how dare she continue to go on about politics and how amazing she is in someone else's house where you are the host and she should be showing you respect as her boyfriend's mother. Under no circumstances must you give her an apology. You do not owe her one. It is your house, you are the host, it is up to the guests to respect you accordingly and behave as such, your sons included. Please make a stand on this one. It is not about losing your children or being estranged, it is about standing up for yourself. I am so angry for you and believe, at the risk of losing all of my children, she would have got the rough end of my tongue with a stiff upper lip comment like: Really, how interesting! on loop.

Been there, done that.
My son broke up with his GF and told me all the lousy things she did, I agreed she was a right cow and then they got back together....
They are now married but he blabbed back to her what I said and that bridge is burned.
I am actually a bit sorry for you as I am in a similar spot. I now keep my opinions fully to myself.
I know you will miss your son this year but honestly, if she is that awful, you wouldn't enjoy it anyway.

Book to go to Aus to see your brother.
Back off from discussing your sons plans with good grace.
There is no fighting this.

Time to pull up big girl pants and start thinking and planning solo Christmases!

Get yourself over to Australia, take a cruise. There’s plenty of solo holiday companies so tap into it. You never know, you might enjoy it and make your kids proud that mummy has stopped clinging to a childhood tradition.

You go girl! There’s a lot of us planning a solo Christmas! After all it’s only one day so get yourself out there, shove the girlfriends, boyfriends and others to one side and please your self!

Ugh! That is unfortunate. You were pretty much damned if you showed your son sympathy, and damned if you didn't.

😱