I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

@TooMuchToo

I disagree with your interpretation, ofc.

Mums like @Brazien are sadly not rare.

@Brazien- so you said all of that to quite a large audience? Wow. Good luck repairing this one.

This.

Honestly, having read your post, I’m not surprised.

It is a very bad idea to discuss politics and religion over a meal with people who don’t share your views. We sometimes have to ban them as topics. Also, remember that young people can be very idealistic and can often soften their views as they gain more experience of life. They are still formulating their personalities. On the other hand, older adults can learn a lot from young people and should be able to listen to their views without getting defensive and upset. OP, you sound somewhat intolerant and it was madness to tell your DS you found her arrogant.

They are now adults and can make their own decisions about what they do for Christmas. The fact they’ve all made other plans makes me think maybe it’s you?

Accommodating in what way exactly? She did not allow her children to see their father on Christmas Day ever because that was “her” day, and her adult children have spent every single Christmas so far tag teaming so that at least one of them is available to see her on “her” day as otherwise she will be alone. It sounds very controlling and manipulative from where I’m standing.

You should have lead by example at your Easter dinner. Your were the host afterall. As a grown adult you should know by now that you aren't going to get on with everyone in life, and that you need to be polite in such close knit family related circumstances.
At the dinner, son's gf was being very challenging by bringing up such political debates and it showed her immature frame of mind. As you know, dinner with family is a joyous affair filled with comforting food and warm light hearted discussions - not heated debates and arguments. You should have smiled sweetly whilst she said what she had to, and then carefully changed the subject to something else. This would have allowed her to speak freely, whilst also gently showing her that it wasn't appropriate. She was rude for taking centre stage at such a family gathering, she could have learned from this conversation steering that it wasn't the right time nor place.
As for telling your son your absolute thoughts on her whilst washing the dishes - what were you thinking? You immediately made it awkward for your son.
You sound quite opinionated yourself, to be honest, and as the adult, the host and parent, you should have lead by example - which was to be a warm and inviting host, not giving your brutal opinions of your guests during the party! No wonder they now want to avoid you.

Stop throwing your toys out of the pram and sort yourself out, your children don't owe you Christmas. Go and spend it with your brother, or find something to do indoors. But stop making your family feel bad for you when this was your own doing. Christmas is apso a joyous occasion and if Easter is anything to go by, your son's are absolutely not putting themselves in a position for a repeat of that!

This clearly isn't a one off from you with regards to your behaviour, because, if it was, and you were otherwise extremely warm and inviting, they wouldn't have treated you like this. Saying something to you in a group chat the way they did, and then quickly removing themselves afterwards massively highlights that they feel you are very opinionated and that you always get your own way. Their actions are their way of putting their point across without giving you any opportunity to sway their minds.
Think about how you treat your family all year round, and then the idea of them coming together with you for a Christmas celebration would be more appropriate.

I’m a mother of a son and a daughter. My daughter would always put her husband first. It’s as it should be

God, another immature adult that's throwing a hissy fit over make believe Christmas (a child's time of the year) and it's not even October yet 😑 you and your ilk is the reason why so many dread and hate it nowadays

Ok so it probably wont last. It's sad when things change, but it best to adapt and try to make the most of it. We all have families and do our different things, and often we have a Christmas all together in December, just not on Christmas day. Sometimes it involves a weekend away in a cottage with everyone. Could you have an early Christmas with your daughter and her family, then maybe a trip to Australia or something. I think just try to go with it. Their opinions of her will change eventually. Best not to say anything else.

You sound like a pain in the arse! What political opinions did you share?

Some of these posts are quite harsh.
The girlfriend sounds unpleasant to me 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think you should book yourself a nice break over Christmas, maybe a cruise?
The sons have decided to firmly put you in your place it seems. Best to let them get on with it and see if being unkind to their mother is a smart way to go about things.

@TheOtherAgentJohnson
"Again, no acknowledgment at all that your pert opinions might have offended anyone. Only hers could possibly have been out of order, because yours are definitely correct and she's an arrogant forriner."

Why are you imposing your intentions onto the OP? She was asked a question and answered it.
She didn't say that the girlfriend's opinions were "out of order" nor did she say that hers were "definitely correct". The issue was the woman's complete lack of grace in OPs home and her seeming inability to allow alternative views to be expressed.

You deliberately referring to the girlfriend as a foreigner to make OP look ignorant is such sneaky behaviour and to top it off, deliberately misspelling it. Why can't you share your thoughts honestly and kindly. Why are you unable to spare an ounce of empathy for a woman who's upset?

I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance.

This was not the best thing you could have done and it seems to be the basis of the problem.

One of the tasks of a parent of AC is to zip the lip - I do it all the time. They have their choices to make in life and we might have adverse opinions but they are best kept to ourselves.

It is unfortunate (and not really necessary) that your other son has decided that showing solidarity with his brother means he has to leave you out of Christmas.

I am sure you are able to be civil, even with those you disagree with - but who wants to spend Christmas being civil, rather than enjoying yourself?

I know it is sad that you have no family to spend Christmas with this year, and absolutely identify with that difficult moment when you cease to be the family hub/host for this event. It is something you have done and enjoyed for many years and it feels like a loss I know.

Would you consider volunteering somewhere on Christmas Day? You would have company and be doing something worthwhile.

Just to add to my earlier posts, I think the best thing you can do re your sons is absolutely nothing.

Make your own plans, be pleasant when you speak and don’t talk about Christmas.

my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs

Ah, it was a trap, he said it to look all right on and reasonable but what he really meant was him and his girlfriend "debating" at YOU (ie going on about how educated they are, know better than you, and telling you your opinions are crap) and you were meant to sit there with your mouth shut and take being lectured at in your own home!

If he had an issue, which he does, the thing to do was pick up the phone and actually talk to you about it, not create a group chat, give you a bollocking then flounce off. That's immature and incredibly rude. You are right, it was probably for her benefit so she could see he was giving you a public dressing down.

Calling you insecure, also shit behaviour. Glamorous educated cultured girlfriend, what he's basically saying is you're a boring frumpy thick old mum. He thinks that you also think this about yourself, hence the "insecure"

At this point anything else you say will push him further to her so you may just have to apologise through gritted teeth, refuse to talk politics with the family ever again, take yourself off on a fabulous glamorous xmas holiday, and if it all goes tits up between them hold in that 'I told you so!'

i dont know why posters have to make this situation quite so black and white.

The girlfriend behaved poorly by forcing a conversation when her host had asked for the topic to be changed and then persisted in pursing topics when it must have been clear it was controversial and unlikely to reach agreement. She can't have been surprised that this would cause ill feeling. Ridiculous that she should then be offended.

The sons have behaved weirdly by setting up a WA to cancel Christmas plans and then shutting it down before the Op could respond. If you want to be treated as adult a simple phone call would have been more effective - although I guess that would have been less performative and wouldn't have given the girlfriend/boyfriend a platform of involvement.

The Op shouldn't have been truthful to her son - she was on a hiding to nothing there and anyone sensible would have anticipated how it would turn out and smoothed it over ASAP. Double standards yes but much more sensible.

The Op has an overly romantic and rigid version of Christmas and seems to have given little to no thought to the possibility of traditions changing. Even now she seems determined to wrangle it back to her way of doing things.

None of them come out shining.

I agree with this. Yes, you should have bitten your tongue, but your boys seem to hold you to a much higher standard than the girlfriend in that respect. Probably because they take you for granted. I would focus on moving into the next chapter of your life. Finding hobbies, friendships, maybe even a partner. Whatever really gives you purpose and companionship. Not just for Christmas but moving forward. Continue to be a mother to your children, make an effort but in the way you would with an adult child, from a distance. Your house is not somewhere they can crash when things go tit's up, make an effort with them but at your convenience rather than dropping everything for them. I think in a way once children become adults it is healthy to deprioritise your relationship with them to a certain degree.

It sounds like the two DS have spoken and agreed how to tackle it. If you have always made a huge deal of Xmas they probably felt they had to be so blunt. I suspect after Easter there was a feeling of we can’t face that type of atmosphere again.

It s a very bad idea to discuss politics and religion over a meal with people who don’t share your views. We sometimes have to ban them as topics

Completely agree with this, I'm the same 😁
I refuse to talk politics with some of mine, I'll actively change the subject if someone tries and starts 😁
"I quite like Boris, he...."
"Blah, blah immigrants"

"Right, anyone want another cup of tea?!"
"It's quite sunny today, isn't it? Hope we don't get rain later. What do you think, think we'll get any? Big cloud over there look"...
😁

Can you ask them over to dinner to talk

You've conveniently left out where she's hosted and cooked, and is gracious enough to invite his sons gf even though she's sounds unbearable. I haven't seen her say its her day, just as that it means a lot to her . Or that she didn't allow her children's father to have them on Xmas day, she said it was agreed between them that he'd have boxing day and new years eve. All the families I know make sure parents/grandparents aren't left alone at Christmas. If you or people you know do that, then that's fine but done make out she's unreasonable for not wanting to be alone or that anyones gone above and beyond for tag teaming as you put it. I can see you're determined to think the worst of op, considering you're making things up.

I would be hurt by this. Particularly by the method of informing me, which seems ridiculously immature and quite spiteful.

Is there a possibility you can go to friends or family overseas for Christmas? If not I would book some sort of really fabulous out of character holiday, spend all the money on it I usually spend on hosting the celebration, and go and have a lovely time.

OP if you fall out with your DS gf and he clearly loves her you are never going to win. Could you go to visit your brother at Xmas if you want to be with family. Can I suggest you don't mention Xmas to your DC again this year as you'll make your DD feel guilty and you really don't want to alienate her too. Leave your other DC to their own devices hard as it will be and if you don't pressure them they might come back another year. It's hard to let go of adult DC. I have 3 adults DC and I do early Xmas for them every year first weekend of December. I do full Xmas dinner and all trimmings and organise painting a Xmas decoration at local pottery and ice skating on the Friday night for DGC and we all exchanged Xmas gifts. I do this, which is a lot of work, because I want to share Xmas with my DC and dgc. On actual Xmas day my DD, sil and DC spend it alone together, my eldest DS comes to me some years with his partner but so e years they go to his partner's family, and my youngest DC comes to me at the moment but I'm fully aware that when he gets a partner he will want to spend Xmas with her, as it should be. In my divorce I took managed to get Xmas and exh Boxing day, mainly because he couldn't be bothered to do their stockings and wrap their gifts and preferred to just hand them cash. He no longer gets Boxing day just a day sometime in December. I think you are putting too much store on the day itself and not the season. Offer to cook them a lovely meal in early December and with the Xmas tree and decorations up it will feel like Xmas. Exchange gifts on that day too. Have some Xmas music playing and be nice to the girlfriend if you want to see your DS1 more.

Personally I would leave then to it op. If they don’t want to spend Christmas with you then that’s their decision. I wouldn’t be making any effort to invite them again. I would make a new tradition by going away or inviting friends round instead.