I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Its September its not Christmas yet.

How do you know that? I know a few people who ended up with Coke addictions and it starts slowly and gets worse, they then pull everyone in around them until they can't take anymore and have to get away. It is a horrible thing to witness, especially for a partner. Have you experienced someone have to deal with a partner with an addiction? I suppose though if her son comes running to her again when they have a big falling out, she doesn't need to listen to him again because she is "so difficult to be around".

Christ-do people really talk about their children using the terms muff struck and thinking with their dicks? My son adores his wife and I’m sure he likes sex with her but I’d just never use terms like that or talk about gobby twerps. It’s not pearl clutching at all-just a bit more respect for people and less name calling.

Whatever the issues with the GF, they don’t alter the fact that it’s unreasonable to expect adult Dcs to spend every Christmas with their mother, just because they always have. The same would apply if the GF was as nice as pie, a dream future DiL.

I have an adult son. He’s had a couple of girlfriends that I have internally raised an eyebrow at some things they have said, but man, smile, nod and agree.

All I’ve learned in life is that it’s much easier if you do that, especially with people you love. She has different views to you - how does that hurt you? You couldn’t have just said, “you’ve given me lots to think about there”, or just pretended to agree for the sake of your son?

Look, I am the biggest smash the system, conspiracy nut you’ll ever find - in my own head. I don’t push those views on to others, I don’t speak about them unless someone else does first, and then only to them. I blend in with everyone for an easy life.

I especially do that with my children, I will not fight with them over things like politics (although we are all aligned, things can change when they think they are in love with someone who thinks differently).

Life is as hard or as easy as you want to make it for yourself. Smile and nod.

There are a handful of things I have different views on to my children. We generally don't discuss them or I'll humorously remind them that we disagree so we shouldn't start the conversation, just because that's the easiest way to live our lives. With a partner I would do the same, preferably not discuss at all, but do everything I could to decouple political opinions from personal relationships (assuming that all opinions fall within the range of what I personally consider reasonable - I'd be unhappy hosting someone with extreme views I found upsetting and would I'm afraid raise that with my child too).

No, do send gifts, especially to the girlfriend.

Awe this is very sad and very harsh of your kids,I host Christmas every year,used to do it at my house or my Mams but she passed suddenly 7 years ago so now it's always mine..I have 4 daughters 2 grown and a 18 and 16 year old..my brother comes every year as does my 1st cousin and het grown daughter who's 27 and has a partner but he goes to his parents..every 2nd year my sister her family and my other brother come from the UK,I live in ireland..I could not imagine hosting Christmas now..its my favourite time of year..everyone knows this and they enjoy it with me,very selfish of your children to all go away together like this,I do think they're trying to prove some point,what it is I don't know but they will expect you to be there when his DG goes off with someone else,Some families are very hard work and life is so short..would you consider going to Australia to see your brother or Canada to see your other family and just leave them too it xx

Just because it’s the highlight of your year doesn’t mean all your family has to cooperate with your wants every year, though, which seems to be what OP expects.

@Brazien From what I’ve read so far you have my full sympathy. Look, it is what it is and it’s a battle you cannot win, so do not spend your emotional energy even trying. Life and circumstances move on and we need to find a new way of being. As hard and upsetting as it is, you are not going to be able to change the status quo.

My thoughts for what they are worth:

You appear to be a strong independent woman. For those of us whose ‘beating heart’ is our chicks, it is a real challenge when another woman comes along who hates us simply for being the mum. You have raised strong independent human beings, who are doing okay, so take comfort in that.

Until circumstances change again, and they will, how else can you spend the one day of Christmas Day? Would it be possible to visit your family abroad? How do you feel about volunteering to help feed those in need on the day? Do you have lonely friends that could get together? Whatever you do, don’t allow yourself to be drawn into a stand-off, as you will lose.

To avoid an annual feeling of hurt and sadness, plan to be on your own every Christmas from now on - it does get easier - and be flexible and delighted the first year any one of them says “we hoped to spend Christmas with you this year”. It is one day, three at most. It is hard when we know that the Christmas spirit ought to be around family, getting together, love, forgiveness, sharing. When it is not like that, best not to wallow but take a deep breath and survive.

It’s clear from post you don’t like the gf and she doesn’t like you. Even if they came it would be awkward. The other son’s comments re you preferring a quiet homemaker type gf do seem bang on the money.
The other son presumably wants to go away with newish boyfriend it’s a good chance for a break when work quiet and not use much annual leave in lots of workplaces. Quite normal.
It’s also understandable that eldest with own family wants to alternate or even do her own family Xmas just for 3 of them.
I think realistically you need to let go of big family Xmas idea.
You are an adult and it is only September. Time to make plans with friends or arrange to go away etc.

I can't understand the replies you're having so far. You sound like a really lovely mum and accommodating. I dont think you did or said anything wrong regarding your sons gf. She sounds like a twat.

Shocked they have left you on your own especially at Xmas.

Plan a lovely day for yourself. Go for a walk, get some nice nibbles in, hunker down on the sofa under a heated throw and watch a film.

Then reflect on how your behaviour might have brought about this situation.

So, you have difference in opinions and things got off on the wrong foot. I dont think that warrants a group message like that and then everyone disappearing off the group like cowards, before you can even say anything. You dont deserve that. I think they have their minds up though and that you should make plans for yourself this Christmas. What ever you do, I hope its a nice one for you. Its one day and then it will be back to the grind of life.

I feel a bit sorry for their Dad who never got a Christmas with his kids.

I would think unfortunately you have messed up.
Your children sound like they could be using this as an excuse to do as they please this Christmas.

It's one day, so I think suck it up and move forward.

What an awful way your sons spoke to you.
In future keep your opinions to yourself, even if they spill the ugly beans on their partner.

I wouldn't be saving any inheritance for sons who spoke to me like that, that's for sure.

OP, kindly, it never does to fall out with your children’s BFs or GFs, because if you want to see your DC, you need to keep their partners on side - and this applies all the more for GFs and DILs who will naturally be closer to their own parents, so you are starting from a position of disadvantage. If you have made your DS’s girlfriend feel unwelcome, I can totally understand why he would choose to spend Christmas elsewhere with her - Christmas may be a big deal for you, but for your son’s GF, not so much. Why would she want to spend Christmas with you if you have made her feel unwelcome? It seems that both your DSs agree with her. Moving forwards, the only thing you can do is to make a fulsome apology to the GF, invite them for Easter and hope they come. You need to SHOW that you mean it - otherwise you’ll be cutting off your DS and any future DGC for ever. Sadly, you will have to resign yourself to making other Christmas arrangements this year - do you have any siblings/friends to spend the day with? And other MILs reading this thread would do well to remember that you often want to see your DC more than they want to see you, so it behoves you, as MIL, to keep on the right side of your DIL, whatever you may privately think of her.

In the spirit of moving on why not send them a message asking where they are going for their christmas skiing break together and ask if there is any activities they would be doing you can give them as a christmas gift.

Takes the worry out of things for buying christmas present, shows you are accepting and not being nasty about things and gives them a nice treat to say thank you for when they get back.

Do not buy them what you would usually spend/buy. Its not the same dynamic now.

Because you don’t tell your adult child that you think their partner is arrogant 🫣 you nod, smile, treat them nicely and be prepared to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong.

And OP can’t expect to have her grown up children around her every Christmas forevermore - they have their own partners, homes, interests and lives to lead.

It doesn't sound like OP was antagonistic at all.

She expressed that she was uncomfortable discussing politics at her dinner table and was overruled, lest she ends up in an echo chamber...only to be met with a one sided discussion where she felt she wasn't listened to. I can easily see this taking place, the purpose of the "discussion" wasn't to share thoughts and ideas but merely a vehicle for the girlfriend to impose her opinions onto OP...because echo chambers are perfectly acceptable if you're on the "right" side.

This isn't a leap, we see it all over the internet. It's utterly rampant.

Pointing out that she has more lived experience is perfectly reasonable given the way she was treated. It's not arrogance, she was defending herself. Pointing out that her opinion isn't to be discounted.

Your attitude towards OP is awful, she's upset and there's not an ounce of empathy in your response, it sounds like pure contempt. It's projection from your own bitterness.
The MiL isn't the only one who needs to bend over backwards for family unity. These 'children' are grown adults who need to make an effort too and should know better than to forcefully impose their opinions on others.
The girlfriend behaved disgracefully, I can't imagine loftily entering somebody else house (not least someone whose family I wanted to be a part of) and behaving in such a classless way.

Same here - and for the kids who never saw their dad on Christmas Day - it all sounds rather controlling and maybe not as idyllic as OP wants to remember.

Me neither.

OP, you have no idea how many parents long to spend Christmas alone! You would be surprised. Obviously not all will admit it for fear of offending their children!

It's only September, you have time to plan something special for yourself, even if it is only eating what you want when you want, in front of the TV. It's soon over anyway.

You had Easter, you'll undoubtedly see them just before and after Christmas so why worry? Be independent!

Mid 20s is about time kids want to spend christmases with partners - we'd have done it sooner than that but there was pressure not to. I'll try very hard not to put same pressure on my own kids.

We all have to deal with family members who have views we dislike - you avoid topics for everyone's sake or if you can't you politely try and find a way to say oi and then change the subject - or leave the room.

I think what you do is not let yourself be drawn into any negatively about partners - what ever you think - do not bitch about them to your kids ever as they will tell partners.

Now you have apologised - which is good you need to try and keep communciation going - and likley that will be all your side effort - and make own plans for Christmas - maybe a hoilday/trip or helping out with some children's event.

Your children are adults, they have their own lives and want to spend Christmas with their own families/priority relationships like girlfriends. This is normal. You have made it very clear in your post that you don't like his girlfriend and also expressed this to your son through some "comments" at easter. This will have been very hurtful for your son I imagine. He therefore feels unsupported and doesn't want to come round for Christmas.

As hard as it is to accept, when your children are grown, you are no longer the centre of the family anymore. Children grow up and have their own lives and families and I think your expectations to continue being the centre is inappropriate.

I would think they were being harsh if you weren't at fault here, but you have damaged your relationship with your son in your reaction to his gf.

Perhaps contact you brother in Australia and see what he is doing? I think best thing to do is respect their decisions, give them space this year, apologize for your judgement of his girlfriend and try and start a fresh and hopefully next year will be different.

You will just have to accept that they will not come over to.yours on Xmas.
You must make some early plans and maybe get away from home for a little break somewhere where you will enjoy being with friends or family. Don't challenge your son's over this .. they've made up their minds,let them enjoy themselves