I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

sad if it is that case, id still not want to be cruel and there is a difference in my mind between not caring and setting out to be cruel to someone

This is exactly what I thought, a manufactured rift to get out of Christmas at Mum's.
unbelievably immature but it jumped out at me especially with the group chat detail. I cannot believe that everyone else is focusing on the argument red herring

I think you need to draw a line and accept your christmas strangle hold is now over. They are mature people with commitments that extend further than their DM. Of course there has been a trigger but i get the feeling it could have been anything and everything. Your other DS hasnt needed much encouragement to take sides.

Move on, make alternative arrangements. Maybe treat yourself to a health spar break, a city break, anything. Blow a budget and really concentrate on you. Come back with positives and really embrace your DS's when they hopefully re engage with you. Never ever give an opinion on their partners and just accept they are full of their younger forthright opinions which you dont have to agree with but keep that to yourself. Be aware of not being bullied down garden paths to dissagreements too.

Be available to them but maybe open yourself to other things so you dont have to rely on them. How old are you? Are you in a relationship? How are the finances?

I wouldn't be spending Christmas with you if you didnt like partner either. It would be an uncomfortable situation

Go to Australia to see your brother?

Your son's are certainly being disrespectful to you, and are being driven by their dicks of course. This may backfire in the future for them. Why don't you go to Australia for Christmas and see your brother? Don't let them see you are upset, don't feed their fire. Next year you can go to your daughter's again. Stay neutral and let them do what they want, they will miss their usual Christmas while sitting in a lodge somewhere
(((Hugs)))

Your son's are certainly being disrespectful to you, and are being driven by their dicks of course. This may backfire in the future for them. Why don't you go to Australia for Christmas and see your brother? Don't let them see you are upset, don't feed their fire. Next year you can go to your daughter's again. Stay neutral and let them do what they want, they will miss their usual Christmas while sitting in a lodge somewhere
(((Hugs)))

I think you need to draw a line and accept your christmas strangle hold is now over. They are mature people with commitments that extend further than their DM. Of course there has been a trigger but i get the feeling it could have been anything and everything. Your other DS hasnt needed much encouragement to take sides.

Very true. What was important to you may have become a smothering ordeal of duty for them.

If your daughter knows you will be on your own, surely she will ask her husband if you can go to his parents with them? We always had both sets of parents round on Christmas Day - my mother in law was an extraordinarily unpleasant and difficult woman most of the time, but I couldn’t have ever left her alone on Christmas Day.

One of those ' AIBU' where I would love to hear the sons girlfriends version of this situation. I would imagine it would be about a controlling, judgemental ' MIL' who wants everything doing her way.

Also, please don't be a volunteer tourist who only helps out once a year on Christmas day to make themselves feel less lonely. Charities hate this, and you will find there are really limited opportunities to do this anyway.

Explore group lunches in the area, you can go to church in the morning and evening, or the best suggestion is go on holiday and meet other people like yourself.

Being on your own at Christmas is not the end of the world, we put far too much emphasis on 'faaamillleee' at this time of year, with people cramming uncomfortably into one house and arguing with each other for three days or more.

She sounds awful and I’d also struggle to not comment on a drug habit. Take yourself off on a lovely holiday and try and make up with them after Christmas .

He revealed the truth, you know too much. They have to villainise you now. It's probably part of their hysterical bonding period to push all threats to the relationship out.

Nevertheless, you need to stop fixating on Xmas with your kids forever and take this opportunity to break the mold. Find an alternative Christmas arrangement that does not involve your children that makes you happy. You clearly like to make people happy on Christmas Day, and there are loads of volunteering opportunities in orgs crying out for people like you. Or go off on an adventure where you can meet some new people and do something different - there are some brilliant group holidays out there. Whatever you do, don't sit at home alone, and let your children think they can control you with their strops.

Regardless of your behaviour, the way they told you was unacceptable. Essentially, bullying. They didn't even give you a chance to reply on the chat.

Surely they just shut the conversation down, as Op had done?

That is harsh! Christmas is many people's highlight of the year as its sometimes the only time people see family members for a decent amount of quality time. I look forward to it because I get to spend actual time with my brother and sister in law, who rarely ever have any time the rest of the year due to work etc.

I think that was unnecessarily harsh.

What a nasty little post.

excellent idea!

OP, mumsnet is the wrong place for this sort of post because they will eat you alive, it will always be your fault. I did say "Oh, boy!" when I read you insulted the girlfriend as its okay for them to list the bad aspects of their girlfriend to you, but you can't agree or say anything else as it will always be held against you. She sounds like a nightmare to be honest, but its best just to not say a word to her. What she said to your DD was cruel, there does seem to be an arrogance there or a cultural lack of tact.
Anyway, if it was me, I would book myself a lovely Christmas cruise (lots of people on their own to become friends with) or head to my brother's in Australia if he was keen to have me for Christmas dinner!

Oh dear. Wouldn’t it have been so much easier and more civil to nod along with the son and new gf and keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. If you want a relationship with your DC once they find partners you have to take a bit of a back seat I’m afraid. You’ve brought them up now let them choose who they want to be with. Sounds like you’ve shot yourself in both feet.

Lots of posters are forgetting as well that continental upbringing and communication is far more direct than British. Plus the woman is young and probably arrogant as they come at that age - we all do.

I'm not saying she wasn't rude, she probably was from OP's perspective - but perhaps not from her own perspective, or the truth is somewhere in the middle due to cultural and generational differences. Don't just look at it from your own perspective, OP, take a step back - and in your Britishness, never get into a dispute when you're a host, btw.

Hi OP, I've only read your posts and a few of the first replies from other people. I was surprised at people saying you were at fault here. It sounds a bit like you were railroaded into having these political conversations. Maybe your son and his girlfriend wanted to show off how 'knowledgeable' the GF was but in my opinion it's a distasteful and immature way to go on when someone has invited you around to their house. The gender issue in itself is something people can feel very strongly about and I had a falling out with one good friend because we differed on our take on it (I am gender critical and she thinks trans women are literally women). Lesson learned for me and I never bring it up unless someone else does.
The thing is, the GF is only 24 and no matter what degree she has or how well travelled she is she doesn't have life experience or your perspective. A mature person might be able to listen and understand that people have different views without having such a strop. She sounds very cocky. Maybe she's very left wing and might erroneously view anything that's more 'centrist' as madly right wing. People can't seem to handle other people having different opinions these days!

In your situation I would rise above it, say nothing and let your son come to his senses. If you wait a few weeks things will have calmed down. I'd be very upset in your situation too and to me it sounds like your son is acting out of character and trying to appease the girlfriend but you're his mother and he should have more cop on. He sounds quite young himself.
I remember being irrate that my MIL was voting against same sex marriage in Ireland when that issue was current but now I can see her reasoning, even though I would still vote for it. But she had a point and I just saw her as being old fashioned and behind the times. She didn't make a big deal of it and we were fine after a few weeks. My own mother was there at that conversation and she smoothed over my indignant outrage with an understanding of where MIL was coming from, so I reined myself back in. I can't believe I'm admitting it but sometimes mothers know best:-)

Let cool heads prevail. I think your son will change his mind with more perspective.

Hope it all works out.

It's really, really hard when a family member wants to talk politics and isn't taking no for an answer. My FiL used to be like this, loved an argument, until he ended up falling out with one of his children for six months after Brexit. Things are much easier now he's stopped this.

The French people I know are far readier for casual intellectual debate than the Brits tend to be, and it's fairly robust, and there could be a lose/lose here where it's really hard not to engage without looking rude but you also come up against the general self-assurance of youth in any debate if you disagree.