I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

I think this is the way to go. The damage is done now, all you can do is minimise it as much as possible and try to repair the relationship with your DS's.

I get that you are hurt @Brazien and I don't think it is unreasonable for you to feel that way. However, the only person you have any agency over here is yourself. I suspect how you react now will determine how Christmases of the future may look too.

Regardless of how annoying, rude, arrogant, entitled and all the other damning qualities your DS's girlfriend may have, clearly a significant rift has developed there and bad feeling has grown to unhealthy proportions. Do you think you can mend fences?

I can't help but feel that there must be more simmering under the surface for the communication on the Christmas decision to have gone the way it did. However, only you know that.

I'd be reflecting on myself and wondering what I could do to improve communications, make amends and move forwards. I'd be thinking, fuck Christmas, how do I improve the situation with my two DSs.

There's no point me talking about the relationship fall-out. I think everyone else has it well-covered.
But there's loads of lovely things you could do instead. There's a lovely spa hotel not far from me that does a real full-out traditional Christmas over 48 hours.
Maybe a cruise? The smaller ships go all-out for Christmas and they cater brilliantly to single travellers. I know P&O certainly do cruises over Christmas.

God she sounds awful. She doesnt really owe you anything tho - your sons were mean here. Id step back and let them as the saying goes - that book is really good called let them if you need some support. Let this play out. She will tire of your son and find another family to patronise.

Why would this be an enjoyable Christmas for the kids and partners? Forget the politics issue, what’s wrong with letting them choose what they want to do at Christmas instead of bowing to pressure to have a particular type of Christmas all the time? Wave them off with a smile and be glad they are happy. The other issue is-don’t get into argumentative debates with kids’ partners over politics. They are young-you are not so show your greater maturity and now out gracefully. Or you’ll make sure your kids only ever see you out of duty.

Tbh i think your DS girlfriend sounds like an insufferable, arrogant twat! However you need to pick your battles wisely when it comes to dc partners! I often think my DIL talks utter bollocks but i smile sweetly and nod politely while letting it wash over me. As others have suggested maybe you could spend Christmas in Aus with your brother or volunteer somewhere on Christmas day! Use this as an opportunity to do something different.

I actually think that your sons have behaved appallingly OP and really feel for you.
Not because they are going away for Christmas - but because of the way they broke the news. It was cruel and exceptionally immature. To involve their partners in the chat was shockingly unfeeling and shouts "it's us 4 against you". It wasn't a "chat" it was an announcement.
To leave the chat immediately after is unbelievable.
I wouldn't be making any grovelling apologies, as others have suggested. However, neither would I be inflaming matters further.
I wouldn't discuss Christmas any further, until it is time for them to go - wish them a Merry Christmas and enjoyable holiday.
Start making plans for yourself - might opportunities arise from your church? Could you speak to your priest/equivalent and find out if there are members of the congregation whose Christmas you could make special. I imagine that could feel very rewarding.
Plan lots of Christmas themed activities for yourself in December.
Going forward, I'd be polite and hospitable towards DS's girlfriend, but don't get involved in any discussions that may lead to arguments.
Don't discuss her with your other children.
However if she is openly unkind or rude to you, I'd be telling her so, calmly, at the time. I wouldn't tolerate that from a guest, and would think less of my son for allowing it.
I hope you have a lovely, if different, Christmas OP, all of your own making.

DS2 wants to "take a stand"... please. They want to go skiing and have a party and you pissing off DS1's fun/smart/glam girlfriend has given him and his boyfriend the excuse they need. The whatsapp group thing was such a shitty way to handle things, very immature and mean. I really hope you follow the adivce to either go on a lovely holiday to see friends or your brother or do the volunteering option and see this as a fresh start. Every other christmas hosting, every other going away on an adventure. You will need to apologise to DS1once the dust has settled and realise you have to smile and nod and grey rock when your adult children's partner's piss you off if you want to keep the peace... but in the meantime it is also time for you to have a fresh start to the next stage of your life. Get out an travel while you are still in a position to do so. Open up new possibilities for yourself and let your sons take care of themselves.

I’ve only read the first page of this thread however you’ve learned a massive mistake, never talk politics and never criticise your child’s partners. You may not like the person but never vocalise that.

personally I’d book a holiday abroad during Christmas and new year.

I haven’t read all of the thread so sorry if this has been suggested but would it be possible for you to go and visit your brother and his family in Australia, or your friends in Canada.
Then you would have something to look forward to and hopefully by next year thing s may have calmed down and you could host your own family again.

This is lovely! What nice advice. I wish you were my mum.

My mum, unfortunately, is also spending Christmas on her own because she has offended all her children's spouses and/or children over the year and none of us can face having a re-play at Christmas. We all feel terrible about it, but will feel worse if she comes and makes occasional digs about our weight / life choices / politics / looks / mental health until we are all either blind drunk or raging.

She will attend church and then be miserable all day, telling everyone what awful children she has.

OP, it's time to build a life/future where your happiness is not dependent on your children looking after you. PLEASE try and do this. What about a cruise over Christmas? Or other single friends from church? Just literally anything other than spending it miserable, alone, and making your children feel responsible. Move on!

The bad news for you is that once your children are adults, you have to stop parenting them, because they are adults. You can advise, on their request, otherwise they have to carve their own path.

Age does not automatically make you an expert. Plenty of younger adults are far more clued up than older ones. No one should defer to someone else purely on the basis of age as you suggest. We are no longer in the Victorian era of having to respect our elders. Respect is a two street, and has to be earned.

THANK YOU

Oh come ON. Jesus 🙄 The girl is 24. Not 4. She has thoughts, ideas, feelings and she's entitled to express them.

Does she know everything? No. Who does?

Is she correct in what she says? Yes, for her, she is.

Will she know more when she's older? Probably but more doesn't mean her views will change

No one is suggesting that the OP defers to the young woman. But the OP should be respectful and emotionally and intellectually generous to anyone around her table (unless they have a knife to her throat 🙄)

Its called being polite and kind

Don't be so youth ist @fastingforweightloss

You probably haven't handled it amazingly, but at the same time your DS's GF does sound insufferable, and moreover, I think your sons have acted very badly in the way they discussed it with you.. It sounds like they've been very unkind and are trying to put you in your place instead of trying to sort things out with you. I think young people these days (and I'm in my 30s myself) are losing the ability to have disagreements with people but still put it aside and continue to have a relationship.

Thats interesting you see my view point as concern for the OPs feelings rather than, as I saw it how the children conducted themselves, let themselves down as people and their behaviour stank. Far better to give a shit sandwich imo and be the better person and considerate than a total uncaring twat

Whatever else, you should realise that emotionally blackmailing adult kids to spend Christmas with you is not fair. However well you cook, host, arrange all that, it's still being dragged back to Mum's. They're adults. Snowboarding sounds more fun. It's a pity the arrangement was made when they were little that you should always have Christmas, because it meant so much to you. You missed the chance to learn to do without them.

Oh dear.

There are 2 separate issues here, young adults breaking away from Christmas traditions, and your relationship with your Ds’ Gf.

It is a shame they didn’t just say ‘we’ve decided to use the holiday time to go snowboarding and have a different Christmas, we know this will be hard but hope you have time to make alternative arrangements.

Last year I was apart from 23 yo Dc for the first time ever, and I can’t pretend it wasn’t a wrench. But I gave a cheerful response and wished them the happiest Christmas. Friends gladly invited me, in the end I went to my sibling’s.

Is this an opportunity to spend summer in the Australian sun and visit your brother? The immense cost of hosting Christmas could pay half the sir fare!

Meanwhile… sorry but you did not handle the relationship with the girlfriend well. Why should political discussions get shut down? Young people are passionate. All you have to do is listen and maybe ask a few questions or offer a calm alternative perspective.

French people are much blunter than us. I had French colleagues who would absolutely critique each other’s figures, and talk openly about losing baby weight (they also routinely get support from midwives on strengthening their pelvic floor muscles post birth as sex life is viewed as healthy and not to be shy about)

It is possible that your Big Christmas Tradition and approach to communication could be experienced as controlling.

Rule 1 is ‘never criticise the partners’.

What to do?

In your shoes I would:
1 wish them all a fantastic time snowboarding
2 Look for alternative Christmas plans: friends, Australia, Crisis at Christmas, volunteering at Lemn Sissay’s Big Lunch for care leavers, Singles Cruise, etc
3 Apologise to Ds1. Say you got it wrong, you made assumptions based on cultural differences and you have reflected and seen how you must have come across. Tell him it’s hard being a single mum watching your kids grow up and leave as independent adults and you didn’t mean to be judgemental and controlling. That his intelligent cultured gf is always welcome
4 Look at this properly. Her wealth isn’t a reason for you to go cats bum about her. Acknowledge that change IS hard and the old Christmases will be different. As they are growing and changing you can do the same. Strengthen friendships, outside interests etc. Grow your own change and strength rather than relying on your Dc

I do hope you can get this sorted OP.

I think that’s the point though. Sometimes people have been pushed so far for so long that it does get to the point where they have enough and don’t ‘care’.

The irony 😂

So yep, ignore the fact that your muff struck son can't see past the end of his dick at the moment.

Don't cause any more of a rift, enjoy a new adventure, reframe the situation.

This. Regardless of your behaviour, the way they told you was unacceptable. Essentially, bullying. They didn't even give you a chance to reply on the chat.

I do think you've been a bit foolish in what you've said and people do often have more extreme opinions when they're younger, but it's ok to have and express different opinions (though you should NOT have criticised your DS's girlfriend, he's an adult who is allowed to like different people to you, and it would be a boring world if we are all the same!). But the way they've treated you is pretty poor.

Time to start your own Christmas traditions. Either invite friends if you can or book a break away either in the UK or abroad. You never know, you might enjoy being looked after for once, rather than doing all the running around.

Personally, I wouldn't grovel too hard to your kids. You've already apologised for what you've said and they've treated you pretty badly. Just wish them a fun trip, and don't mention Christmas again.

Regardless of everything you’ve said in your posts I think that adult children should not be responsible for their parents at Christmas. They shouldn’t need an excuse or a valid reason. If they don’t want to then they don’t want to.

Maybe it’s time to expand your world outside of your children. If you genuinely don’t have a single soul who would hear you’re alone and sad about it and invite you to their Christmas, then I think it’s time to have a good think why that is.

Do yourself a favour and watch The Girlfriend on Netflix, as a pp suggested.

This is all very upsetting for you, but he has to figure things out in his own time and you don't want to end up completley alienated from him.

Christmas on your own can be brilliant. Try to put your usual style away for this year, and work out a Christmas of your own that you will enjoy regardless. Turn your usual preparations and traditions on their head, ie. No point crying over spilt milk.

I think you're going to have to bury your pride and bite the bullet and apologise to your son, and admit you got angry and said things you shouldn't have said.