I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

I kinda think it's a bit (lot) your fault but also feel very sorry for you as we all do things that are a bit stupid sometimes and I wouldn't want to be alone at Christmas. Can you book a trip to spend time with your brother or friend?

Spend the New Year trying to find some common ground with your son's girlfriend. She has some twatty qualities but she must have some good ones too, if both your sons like her.

This is probably the crux of the matter. It’s always awkward going back to an ex having overshared with the people who love you. It also makes more sense that you would have been tactless and over honest yourself with him.

I completely agree with others. Say a proper, simple (not grovelling) apology for what you said previously. Then book yourself the most fabulous holiday you can afford - can you go to Aus travelling and pop into your brother’s for Xmas day itself?

Another thing that struck me is your post sounds quite passive - they have always made the effort etc. Do you visit them? Or has the responsibility been on them to take care of you post divorce.

Because the GF is the one who has spat the dummy.

I’ve always loved hosting Christmas here, but there is bound to come a time once children are adults, that they’re going to want to spend the day - or several days - elsewhere. IMO you just have to accept it with a good grace.

A Sis in law threw a monumental sulk when a long grown up dc, with teens of their own, said that - for once - they’d like to stay at home this year. Unsurprisingly, it caused something of a rift.

We weren’t altogether alone, but because of various factors there was one Christmas with just me and dh, and we were surprised at how much we enjoyed a peaceful day,

If you do end up all on your own, treat yourself to some really nice food and drink, and enjoy the ability to eat what you want, when you want, watch whatever Tv you want - or curl up on the sofa in peace, with a good book.

I'd be sad but glad that my sons got on so well they went skiing together at Christmas. Siblings I always hoped would get on well. Thankfully mine do.

I've had sons working overseas at Christmas some years so have done an early Christmas and a late Christmas with all the trimmings as well as the one on the 25th.

My sons have had a lot of girlfriends between them some my DH wasn't keen on. I always reminded him that he could be looking at his future DIL so zip it

Yes, i agree 24 year olds don’t know everything. Absolutely. I certainly didn’t know everything at 24 and I am pleased to admit I am still open to and grateful for learning and self improvement 13 years later.

But what you fail to acknowledge is that the other side is also possible, that the parent with the adult children can also not know everything, but feel entitled and like they do know everything and not be open to self improvement or to be told they are wrong by their adult children.

Yes, I would agree with this.

Don’t apologise - she sounds too full of herself, and lacking in social graces, but don’t criticise her either in future, or discuss politics with any of them.

Meanwhile, do a Christmas for you - either go away, volunteer, or just spoil yourself.

It’s one over-hyped day. 🎅

I've got a grown DC and don't have that massive disdain for young people. Plus at 24 I was running a business, had been around the block relationship-wise and knew plenty. There's no need to be so extreme about these things and it's never gonna go well when one party thinks they're the fount of all knowledge just because they're 20 years older. As I've got older, I've found I'm less certain of many things and don't have all the answers, but it's good to stay open and not ossify, or become an eye-rolling rage engine.

This is what I mean about the fantasy hosting facade. If OP gets her kicks hosting for family, they aren't some automatons obliged to eat and smile. I don't agree with the GF but nor do I think OP is owed deference because she cooked a meal she wanted to cook. They're individuals and they sound incompatible with the happy Christmas the OP wants to host so it's a sensible decision to do something else.

Those of us with younger DC really don’t ALL have a massive shock coming our way. The reason we disagree with the OP is because we’re already raising our children with respect for their thoughts and feelings. We don’t expect them as adults to fulfil our every need just because we raised them. Real relationships are built on compromise, conversations and negotiation about what works for all not just to facilitate the needs of one.

Yes some adults do grow up to be selfish and self centred and that must be really hard to deal with as a mum. But personally I think placing your kids under an annual obligation to fulfil your idea of a perfect Christmas is equally selfish and self centred.

Well, even if the things you said about his girlfriend were accurate, actually saying them to your DS was never going to end well!

You are where you are. Even if they were to come for Xmas now, it wouldn't exactly be fun.

Make your own plans. Go away on a break? Invite friends?

I get the Christmas thing OP. I’m the same, used to adore having all the children, partners etc at Christmas. But mine are all married now, some have children and there’s no way I would expect them to come to me every year. I miss it enormously but I don’t want to be someone who puts pressure on them when seeing everyone at Christmas is hard enough as it is.
What I do now is do my best to find a day everyone can make, sometime between Christmas and new year, and do an open house, with an ongoing buffet and people can come and go as they please.
The other thing I’ve started doing is a family Summer bbq, loads easier as it is outside and GC can run around, so less stressful for the parents too.
You have to adapt otherwise it just causes tension and frustration all round.

My children are a similar age to the French girlfriend. I stand by my post.

I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip.

I think saying this was really unfair. They have made firm plans and you shouldn't be trying to guilt trip them. Regardless of what the girlfriend is like this doesn't paint you in a good light. It's manipulative.

Nah. Not when they're using language that we consider to be harmful to womankind.

They're allowed to say it - we're allowed to say we object to it and to make the case for them not using it in the future.

You've realised that voicing your dislike for the girlfriend was a mistake. Big mistake. You need to keep those thoughts to yourself.

But you simply cannot expect to host Christmas every year for your family as they all have their own lives to live. The boys have made the decision to go away and you just need to accept that now and move on.

Do not guilt trip them. Make a plan for yourself to go away even if it is a two or three night break in this country. Whilst you may love everything about hosting Christmas you have had your time of doing that and may now just need to be flexible going forward.

It sounds a really difficult situation, in particular that your DS2 has decided to also "make a stand". I think going forward the only thing you can do is to calmly accept the decision on Christmas. Apologise sincerely for overstepping with the GF (if you haven't already) and then stay in contact and be loving to your DS's without making demands. In time, I'd also gently see if you can build any bridges with the GF (eg invite them to stay without being too over the top about it). And definitely refuse to be drawn on any political chat this time.

I do think it's quite cruel of them to specifically do this at Christmas when you love it so much, to hurt you so I do get your upset. But I think, in time, if you back away a bit they'll realise that. It may also be that circumstances dictate that your DC won't be around every Christmas so it might be a good thing to branch out and do other Christmases from time to time and get used to that.

Book something for yourself for Christmas (yoga retreat? Posh hotel? spa hotel?) or reach out to friends (visit your brother in Aus or the Canadian friends?) and just really try and make something good out of it. It sounds like the GF won't be around forever (and at that point, try not to say I told you so!).

You won't be alone. God will be with you.

I have to agree with this.

This is sound advice. She sounds like an arrogant twat but you've learned a lesson here, never criticise your children's partners - it can only ever end badly.

And don't ever discuss sex, religion or politics with anyone, unless you know you're on solid ground.

I just read your opdate op about her views. - they sound absolutely bog standard 20 something lefty political views!

Im sure she was very irritating but the thing is as an adult to just nod and smile.

I did politics at Uni and have heard all these views a million times. I mean - the comment about religion is just standard stuff! You can't let yourself get worked up by it.

and the drug use - yep, recreational drug use is normal for lots of young people - it doesn't mean she is a drug addict or that she will continue doing it later in life.

You can't let yourself get wound up by a politics student having a really cliched load of opinions. Just smile and say goodness you do know a lot or something banal.

Ah well - that’s the thing with MN(and all online forums).

We can only go on the limited information we’ve been given. You and I may choose to read between the lines but that would really only expose our personal prejudices.

I always take an OP at face value - there’s no point in making things up ourselves to fill in the gaps.

Whatever the full picture it’s fair to say that

OP sets too much store by Christmas
The gf sounds just as opinionated as OP - and rude and intolerant of other opinions
The 3 children have not dealt with the situation with tact or kindness.

Yes, it's very unfair.
I have no expectation from my DC when they're adults.
They can pop by, have dinner, or post a Christmas card, whatever is fine.
In their 20's pre DC, they should be going abroad. Enjoying life.

One question - do you think your 'love (aka obsession) with christmas has actually driven them to take a more extreme approach than otherwise might have been the case?

If you were more relaxed perhaps they would have said - hey mum we want to go snowboarding over chrsitmas. But they have concocted a whole row to get out of it - maybe consider if your own approach is making it more extreme from them.

You can't write the way you did in that 'muff struck' post and then accuse those who object of misogyny. Well, you can, but it makes you look foolish at best. It's not nonsensical to be offended by your reduction of a woman to her sex organs with such hatred. Even the OP who has reason to dislike the GF went nowhere near that far. You leapt in with a vile rant and have rightly been called out on it. That's the good kind of policing and nothing to do with harassment. "HTH :)"