I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

It's tricky to making hosting Christmas the highlight of your year as it relies on other people wanting that too. My FIL is a problem that way, as he gets a bang out of cooking for the family and wants us all sitting around the table thanking him and tucking in, but actually has no interest in us as people, only cooks what he likes (which isn't very nice) and the whole thing is forced and an endurance. We're all props to him. You can't manufacture this Christmas hosting scenario where you're civil and it's all this festive fantasy highlight of your year when the reality is there's this rotten atmosphere beneath it all. Some families might suck it up but I think people are less inclined to stand on ceremony now and do things just because of traditions. You don't like her and have said as much so no wonder they don't want to spend their Christmas with you, and other DS feels strongly enough to support them instead of you, which says a lot. Best to reflect and accept rather than justify and pity yourself about how your DC 'do not care'. Find other ways to spend Christmas and work on building bridges for the future.

I wouldn’t voluntarily spend any time with someone who strongly disliked or disapproved of me or my partner.

It doesn't matter what her opinions were, this girlfriend sounds rude and insufferable.

Brilliant post, was going to write similar but you said it so much better!

Good luck OP, I think that you have been treated very shabbily, and expect that your sons will regret that nasty and unnecessary group chat conversation one day. All the best.

Going against he grain, I'm on Team OP!

Maybe it's the 'yoof of today' but I'm shocked at how many posters are blaming her. Far too many callous comments about the OP.
LOADS of people find Xmas the highlight of the year- you only need read MN from now on to see that! The buying the planning, everything!

Her son brought a newish girlfriend to meet his mum in her home and all she did was (the GF) be rude and obnoxious. She lacked manners and respect.
If her life is one of hedonism, with drink and drugs thrown in, I feel sorry for OP's son who will find this comes home to roost.

I'm sorry OP and don't have much advice, other than say try to build bridges with your son. His relationship may not last and he may come running back to you for support.

Op when I first met my in laws I was slightly obnoxious and drunk - my dear MIL took it in good spirit and we have laughed about it since.

I think it's natural in their 20s that they might sometimes want to go snoboarding etc

If you work hard at the relationship - you can salvage it for next christmas!

I always think it's a warning sign when I read people SO hyped and focused on christmas. It's just a day!!

Break the pattern, enjoy yourself, make sure a huge guilt and resentment isn't focused around christmas.

please please do not say things like 'but I will be left alone' - that is just the worst way to resolve this.

The responses you'll get here will be coloured by posters personal prejudices and life experiences.

No ones opinion on here counts, (none of them know the real dynamics) it's just food for thought.

Are you familiar with the Johari window model? You and your son and your daughter (and every poster on here) will have blind spots and unknowns. Talking through those in a kind manner would help your relationship with your sons. The GF is a lost cause ...so I'd wait until she's moved on.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so hurt. It does sound like they delivered difficult news in a cruel way, and that the whole situation was and continues to be very tense and not entirely of your own creation.

Deep breath time. Have a look at the bigger picture: this is your first warning shot that your relationship with your children is in jeopordy. I'd focus on what you can do to smooth and heal that, rather than the fact that you will be alone this Christmas.

Practice your "that's nice dear" and "Oh I see why you would feel so strongly about that" and "Oh I have a policy that I don't share my views on politics full stop, but I'm happy to listen to yours if you wish to share them" and all of the other non-inflammatory non-committal ways to respond to somebody who is being rather brash and loud and rude at the dinner table or other polite social event.

I also think it sounds like the girl was rude - but I think in life we have to look at how we achieve what we want, not proving points or holding on to grudges.

Your sons are in their 20s that is a time of selfishness - at some point they will get wives/ babies etc and come back round to family time.

The absolute best thing you can do is let them go with good grace. And find a way to change your obsessive feeling that christmas has to be a certain way.

Hear hear! This is a site for women primarily and that post is absolutely vile.

@Brazien Do you really think that this cool, hedonistic, jet-setting girlfriend would in a million years want to spend Christmas in your three bed semi in drizzly Wimplecaster? dream on

Nah, they want to go skiing and (because DSs know you will be upset and they feel guilty) have found a way for it to be your fault. I am sorry, they are cowards.

If they are lacking in moral fibre or you have been too controlling in the past or they find you difficult to be honest with you can work on that. But this is not your fault. Let them go, arguing won't solve it. You could apologise for upsetting the GF just to tick the box and play along but then leave it.

You will be on your own for Christmas, so what? Find a way to enjoy it and spoil yourself. I hope it is marvelous

I often wonder why people have children. It’s all cosy and lovely when they are babies, toddlers etc. then they become teens & get argumentative, difficult and suddenly pulling away from their parents. Then they grow up and turn into your children … adults who quite literally don’t give a damn and care more about their own lives, girlfriends and their parents can do one.

Cats & dogs give you a loyalty children never will (there are thousands more benefits of being child free) I’m going to be honest here …. I think his girlfriend sounds horrible and I don’t blame you feeling as you do. Know what I’d do if I was you? I’d book myself a nice Christmas holiday where I’d have fun and companionship from strangers …. I’d also decide, hey! I’ve been divorced ages, not all men are bad and it’s about time I found a new one - someone to prioritise me, take me out, share Christmas with me and if I’m lucky enough to find a man I want to marry, they can whistle for their inheritance …. Spend it all before you die. Don’t grieve over these children … they’ve done what so many of them do when they grow up x

I won't comment on the rights and wrongs via a via the GF as other people have done so, and I've got nothing else to add.

But in terms of Christmas Day, I would suggest a few options:
Book a lovely holiday, somewhere warm with activities, so you can relax and enjoy yourself.

Or
Pamper yourself for the day - eat what you want, watch whatever film you want.
Or Volunteer for a local church or whatever is hosting a Christmas lunch for older people on their own. One of my friends used to do this on the alternative Christmas days when her DC were with their dad.

Going forward, accept that you won't be able to be with your adult DC every Christmas, and create alternative traditions.

@pinkdelight I think that's a really wise way of describing it.

You want the 'set up' of christmas OP without addressing the issues in the relationships. You want everyone to pretend they get on - but your sons are pointing out that the girlfriend felt disliked and therefore as an adult is making a choice not to spend that day with you.

Be the bigger person - tell your sons you understand but would like to resolve it going forward - and then take a step back.

Sorry, it's really, really not the same thing. Come back in 20 years, when you have some idea of what parenting adult children is like. It's fucking hard. They think they know EVERYTHING (hint - they don't).

Can't believe that some people think that Op, in her own home, at her own table, over a meal she has cooked, should defer to a fucking 24 year old - TWENTY FOUR!!!!!!! Don't make me fucking laugh. At 24 you know precisely FUCK ALL about anything.

I could not roll my eyes back any farther in my head if I had a SPOON. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Going only on what OP says and not projecting my personal prejudices on to her like some pps, the gf does sound like someone who is used to dishing it out but cannot take any disagreement or perceived slight herself. People like this are very arrogant and have no self-awareness.

Don’t make the mistake of escalating the situation. Either your son stays with her and you’ll have to adapt to that (but give as good as you get) or the relationship doesn’t last and, if you bite your tongue now, it will mean you can presumably restore your relationship with your son at some point.

But let Christmas go - it really is just another day of the year. You won’t be happy unless you change your attitude to it.

100% this.

Opinions are a two-way street.

You don't like your son's girlfriend, and everyone is very much aware of that fact in your family, including your son's girlfriend. Perhaps she's not who you would pick for your son, but clearly your son feels differently. Her upbringing, education, partying which you say is being funded by her Father, is absolutely none of your business. You may not agree with it, you don't have to like it, but ultimately it's irrelevant what you think. The girlfriend sounds as if she's no shrinking violet, is confident and is probably never going to be a 'traditional wife', in any way shape or form. You need to apologise profoundly to your son and his girlfriend, without making excuses for yourself. You need to think towards the future - what will you do if your son married his girlfriend? You need to mend bridges, take responsibility for your own behaviour. She may, at some point be your daughter-in-law and the Mother of your grandchildren! You also need to think of the possibility, if you continue with your distain towards her, they may decide to live in France! You may like hosting Christmas, but you doing so for your children, is never going to continue forever! Your children are adults, they need to be able to make their own plans and start their own traditions. You have no other family, so you have no ties, in your position I'd be booking myself a holiday abroad for the festive season. Don't start making your children feel guilty either, accept their decision,, emotional blackmail is not a nice trait to show.

Just because as the matriarch love Christmas and its your highlight does not mean that all your children should be guilt tripped into spending it with you. My mother puts pressure on her kids in a similar way and as we are a very small family we suck it up, someone sees her every Christmas probably at the expense of what we actually want to do. She just wouldn't handle a Christmas alone but it would be wonderful if she could at least once do it and have some adult backbone about it and frankly we would visit more often if she did more.

It sounds like they are a bit resentful of probably having to put your feelings first and have done for a long time perhaps they have been biting their tongues for a while and its just a useful way that's its come to a head. Its very difficult to challenge parents, you clearly have strong views despite the moderate tone and it does sound like you are threatened by this girl and her confidence. Understandable perhaps as you sound quite different but your sons happiness should be paramount and of the most importance, above your comfort zone imho.

Rubbish - what a crazy interpretation.

Why are people giving the OP such a hard time? Being in your 20s isn’t an excuse to be rude. Yes there are three sides to every story, but the comment at the end about Christians- knowing full well the OP had just been to church, while being hosted in her home- is exceptionally bad manners. Do posters really think this is normal behaviour for a 20-something? Is this how you spoke to your in laws when you first met them?

You don't like/approve of your sons girlfriend not only did you insult her you probably embarrassed and hurt your son, he chose her to spend time with and his brother decided to go on holiday with them,

I am sorry this has happened I do think you need to look past this and organise something else for Christmas, I do think you might need to apologise to your son and girlfriend, although ganging up on you in a group chat is quite low imo he could have spoken to you privately.

Of course she does, OP hates her. That's why we've only been told what the girlfriend said, not the whole context of the argument, or anything else that's happened before or since. OP must have said and done something at least as bad as the French girl, since it's OP that has been cut out of Christmas for her "inflammatory" comments.

But we only have the ops version of this, it would be interesting to see the gf version and even the sons and other family

Policing other women's words is horrifically misogynistic and rude. You can learn not to harass strangers with your nonsensical choice to be offended, and let other women speak in any way they choose as you're in no way the arbiter of - well - anything.

HTH :)