I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

SHe does soudn rude, don't forget it was Easter as well .. one of the most important dates in the Christian calendar. She should have wound her neck in.

The GF sounds like an arrogant bore but her hedonistic funded lifestyle probably impresses your son.

Children grow up and think they know it all and dismiss their parents usually as teenagers before suddenly realising that whatever the differences, love and family counts.... but not always. Sometimes there is no love, sometimes parent or child is flawed and sometimes family is completely dysfunctional and unhealthy. The GF may have changed him or may have given him the confidence to speak his side of things.

I'd focus on you, your daughter and no longer on your sons tbh. What they did was cowardly and very hurtful. They have their viewpoint and have made a choice. You must now look after yourself and not rely on being a mother hen for your identity and fulfilment in life. Your sons may come around later when GF off the scene. Whether they do or they don't you will never be able to trust them completely. Don't chase them....please do not appease them. This would teach them you can be brought to heel. It's not an adult response. Time out for all of you and an adult conversation when wounds have healed.

Look at a holiday for singles. I don't mean dating...plenty of holidays that are walking, crafting, sight seeing, sport related or just relaxing. A cookery course in Tuscany! Do something else citing for you. Whatever you'd have spent hosting is now yours to spend on you.

The girlfriend sounds absolutely hideous but sadly I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect you to spend Christmas every year with and or all of your adult children. I would make a plan to host a family Christmas every second year.

To be honest, I don't see this about politics, and I think if you can't have a reasonable debate or discussion about politics, then there's issues, people should all be able to have sensible sharing of ideas, even if you disagree that's fine as long as they aren't extremist or hateful. I don't even think that's the problem here OP, it's more likely about your attitude then her disagreeing with you, the fact you called her arrogant, which slightly gives ageist vibes of just because she's young it been she doesn't have life experience, she may not, but as a whole many young people go through things adults never will. Care, or neglect, the impact of child poverty and deprivation, the impact of school policies in many different ways, many work from a young age, young carers, disabled young people etc.

So I don't think her having strident opinions you don't like is the problem. If she was snobby about travelling well that's on both of you, travel does sometimes give people more knowledge about how other systems work etc and yes having a degree gives you certain skills, and knowledge which is based of looking at peer reviewed research, critical thinking, and analysis so it's not like they are just fed some ideas. Has she got no plans for work though or like a career? As I'm guessing your DS does, what does he do for work?

I'd say they are annoyed over how you treated them, shutting down the conversation because she disagreed is slightly disrespectful, the words you use about her during the debate and after to your son were unnecessary, the fact you sort of expect more deference from her, when she's going to be the person she is. Now she can't help her background but she can try and do some good from it, whatever that means for her though, yes the occasional drug use isn't a good thing and her comments to your DD were rude, you don't comment on people's bodies, whatever you think. Just be opening to her, you have to reach out, apologise and offer her a gift for Christmas or something. Ease back into it, if they see you making an effort they'll be more likely to do the same.

Also people are allowed to be selfish, it's not always bad if they balance it with being kind etc, but it's their 20s, they should be reaching out for opportunities and doing what they want. Whether or not they later have kids isn't the issue. Also OP you start dating again, there's lots of apps but even if you want to make more friends in your area, there's apps for that as well. Go to more classes like pilates, go to some art classes or anyhring similar and meet more people. You need to have your own life to, with hobbies and friends etc.

Your kids are adults and have their own lives now. You need to do the same.

It doesn’t sound as though GF was showing much respect to OP either. And her two sons were showing no respect at all in the way they approached this with OP.

You have my utmost sympathy. I, too, have sons and who they choose as a partner can be...challenging.
I think your son will either join the ranks of the wokerati, and become a fully fledged dickhead for a while, or have a massive falling out with her when he wakes up and smells the coffee. Either way your job is to nod and smile and wait for time to pass.
Meanwhile the fact as a divorced woman is that the buck stops with you. You are the master of your futire happiness, and it's up to you to forge ahead with plans and not wait for guilt crumbs from your children.
I used to gather up all the "waifs and strays" (i.e. people with no christmas plans that would otherwise spend it alone) that I knew at christmas and have a non christmas mexican feast.. and we had a great time.
Pick yourself up, and make plans then tell your daughter (not your sons- it will sound petty).
It sucks but it's how it is.

But did your son ask for your opinion?

It's highly likely they'll split when he sees through her (I think mostly because she's spoilt, lazy and takes drugs - her opinions, whilst woke to a degree, are not all necessarily wrong - I think you're showing you're from a very different generation here, OP. I am obviously more in the middle than you and her likely age-wise and certainly outlook-wise and I can see this from both sides).

IMO you should leave him to it and just try to be cordial and polite with everyone now but not OTT. Take yourself away for Christmas - you'll have a good time and show them you don't care about their show. That, or adopt a cat - the best company of all.

Do you honestly think it was the other way around? That the atheist French-woman living in the UK was actually a die-hard Brexiteer who thinks immigration is a bad thing?

She's clearly a gobby little twerp, with massive tickets on herself. But you made the fatal mistake of taking her down a couple of pegs - she's used to the power of the pussy keeping men compliant, and I would bet that she has never been told to shut up in her life. It's quite funny really to think of her spewing and fuming and snarking when you put a stop to her ignorant, il mannered lecturing.

However, the problem is that although it's super satisfying making over indulged and over entitlted twerps like her shut up - you cannot win your son over by putting his twit of a girlfriend in her place.

Obviously, don't apologise to the gobshite, that's ridiculous. But you do have to let it go.

He's muff struck, not to put too fine a point on it. And she's RAGING that she didn't win the argument.

The good news is they're highly unlikely to get married and have kids and he'll get sick of her bombastic haranguing soon enough.

The bad news is that yep, you are going to be on your own at Christmas.

But the great news is that this doesn't, actually, matter you just have to reframe it.

Life changes, and you have had your own way for Christmas for a very long time. There will still be some family Christmases to come, but don't assume that every year anymore.

And do NOT do what they expect. Say nothing at all, not a single solitary word about the way they are trying to punish you. Don't let it be a punishment. See it as an adventure, and have a blast. Don't go there, at all.

Your kids think they know you inside out and can control you. So don't let them. Throw them off by finding hidden depths, and have a fantastic time without them. It's definitely possible, if you want to.

Or you can sit home moping and try to make them feel guilty - and they'll look down on you, gossip about you and he rift will continue to widen.

And let this be a lesson to you - you can win an argument and lose the war. And sometimes least said soonest mended is a great motto.

Why are you assuming that? Is it because you’re a prejudiced person who stereotypes people?

No don’t drag poor DD into it - she has already come to a very fair agreement with regards her DM and ILs, and shouldn’t be put upon any further.

OP I can understand you are upset. You got your role wrong with the GF, you thought you were having a merry political debate, forgetting that as a DM of the next generation your role is to hand out the roast lamb and murmur “yes dear, how interesting “ whatever is said.

If it’s any help I think the GF probably wanted them to go skiing all along and possibly engineered the conversation down tricky paths to empathise the difference between you and make you seem argumentative and possibly out of touch.

The best way to play this now is tell them to enjoy their ski trip and say that of course you can’t expect to monopolise all their holidays as you know how busy and important they are. Apologise profusely ( as she will be reading) for any offence you may have caused his GF and say you hope it hasn’t soured future relations. Then take yourself off somewhere marvellous for Christmas.

I can see why you were upset. Are there any neighbours or friends closeby who you could see / invite instead? It doesn't have to be Christmas Day but maybe one of the days in-between Christmas Day and New Year might work well as lots of people are available then.

Because she said these were areas where they disagreed and I think it's highly unlikely that it was the girlfriend who had those views because they don't fit with the other stuff the OP said about her.

How they did it was pretty unkind - but a group of young people going skiing is a perfectly normal way to spend Christmas .

Your sons gf may well be a nightmare , but you needed to leave him to have that realisation in his own time ( or not) , and as host you needed to keep the peace not antagonise her further . What’s done is done however .

Accept with good grace and plan your own Christmas - think about what you have always wanted to do and do it

Wow someone needs to look in the mirror and address their own prejudices. Talk about a victim of tribal politics

The daughter sounds awful, sod them. Il go somewhere enjoy yourself

It has come about in unpleasant ways it might be the start of new Christmas traditions anyway.

I agree with those saying it's time to do something positive for yourself around Christmas - book a holiday, volunteer, just don't wallow. Your children are adults with families and partners to consider, they are entitled to choose an alternative Christmas after a lifetime of doing things your way. Maybe they want to host? Maybe they'll want to spend it with their in-laws? Maybe they'll want to make the holiday a regular thing? Either way, that's their prerogative and you'll have to respect it.

As for the clashing opinions, you should probably have nodded and smiled but I would've found that difficult too, someone stating endless goady opinions, unchecked. So, I won't berate you for being human. I would probably suggest that you make every attempt to keep your powder dry in future though.

I tried that approach with my sibling once. They did not appreciate the shit sandwich and knew exactly what I was doing 😂.

People commenting on the way the kids chose to communicate are looking at it the wrong way round in my opinion by focusing on how getting that message that way felt for the op. I would ask myself what was going on for the sons and how they must be feeling that they felt this was the best, or indeed the only, way, they could say what they wanted to say.

My in-laws made the mistake of thinking I wouldn’t last as I was my DH first girlfriend. That was 35 years ago now. They also think I’m to blame for the fact we barely see them and never on birthdays or Christmas or Easter. However, I’m actually a little uncomfortable with how little we see them and I would have them to stay; but my DH can hardly bear to be in the same room as them and asks me not to abandon him to seeing them without me - so we meet infrequently in a neutral location for a few hours. His parents have never complained - well his Dad sends a few texts trying to tell my DH what he ought to do - but if the looks I got at a family funeral last year are an indication, the family definitely view me as the issue!

One of our kids had a terrible break up with his first girlfriend. I listened to a lot of angst without judgement. Years later they’ve become great friends again and those years of keeping my mouth shut were worth it!

This is years and years of growing frustration and resentment at a domineering mother that has built to the point whether the sons felt the nuclear option was all they had left. They and their girlfriends had obviously discussed and agreed on the approach, brutal as it was. If they had done it in person, there would have been tears and emotional manipulation, as demonstrated by the phone call offering to pay for them to come to her.

The French girl may be deeply unpleasant, but
children rarely cut their mother out like this unless there have been many, many incidents. For two of them to do it at once says a lot. None of it is about Christmas. It is about standing up to someone who has ridden roughshod over them for all their lives, kept them apart from their dad at Christmas etc. The girlfriend is the catalyst for change, not the cause.

I am pretty sure OP posted about the French girlfriend several months ago and got her arse handed to her then too.

No. But your post assumed a lot about OP and was stereotyping.

YANBU to be upset. To create a group and exit before you replied is cowardly and mean.

It also doesn't matter what you and the GF argued about, it's how you argue.

People can have difference of opinion yet still be polite and respectful of the other's views.

As the adult, you should have shut the conversation earlier as the points you mentioned are broad and would have taken a big chunk of the time together to discuss/disagree on.

At 24, leading the lifestyle she leads, you could have played your cards as being a safe space for her, as she'll probably outgrow the lifestyle.

Bad mouthing a DP to your children would never end well as just as he told you about her lifestyle when they'd had a fight, he'll always tell her what you say too.

Stay neutral and the battle is half won.

I bet you’re one of those horrible prejudiced people.

Those are your guesses and they say everything about you, not OP.

And even if they are OP’s views - it’s not illegal to have those beliefs.

And I speak as a remainer with a mixed-race family.

Stop being so narrow- minded.

I think this makes sense. Something about it has felt engineered from the start. Why would OP’s son push for her to debate with his GF when he must have known they would clash. And why wait five months to sort out the fallout from that, then enlist his brothers’ support to do it in the most rude and disrespectful way ?

Haha!

Reminds me of my son (now a lovely chap, btw) who was a student communist until he saw how much tax was deducted from his first salary. Theory and real life are very different things!🤣

'Muff struck' and, 'she's used to the power of the pussy keeping men compliant' are horrible rude and misogynistic things to say. You can support OP without this vulgar and sexist rant.