I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

It’s hardly hardship for your mum to provide you with a lovely Christmas dinner every year.

They can go ⛷️ any other day of the year.

And at 27 running home to mummy to tell her how awful your GF is post fight, and then expecting mummy to just forget about all the negative stuff you said is a bit silly. My parents would have been absolutely shocked by cocaine use.

Could she have fed back your stance on gender ideology to your other son and his partner? I find it odd that your other son and his partner have gone along with this so willingly. Hopefully you were sensitive around sharing your opinions. How was his ‘onboarding’ to the family? Do they see favouritism to your daughter who seems to have a more conventional setup? It’s really hard to judge but I’m surprised you allowed her to get you so angry when you had friends and family visiting from all over the world. My family would have wry smiled and been like ‘ah the confidence of youth’ but generally been kind. The ones out of the wider family that would have ended up offended or would have angrily argued back with someone in their 20s were and still are dicks and have alienated themselves from many many people over the years. Sorry but your ‘anger’ is totally a giveaway.

Go on your own little holiday away or enjoy it away from arrogance.

OP the girlfriend sounds like a nightmare. We’ve all met her type before. Just let it be and try not to ruin your relationship with your son. Like others have suggested use this time to do something for yourself like a trip to your brother or a cruise or something like volunteering. Try to find a positive side to it and while it’s normal to be a bit upset and disappointed and I know the rug has been pulled from under you but try to move on from this and not wallow in the upset it’s caused you. See this as a new chapter in your life.

If it’s any consolation she does sound insufferable. She’s so full of herself and although clearly bright, well travelled and knowledgeable, it’s the arrogance of her youth that propels her to think she is morally and intellectually superior and sneers at others views.

You put him in the position of choosing and he would always choose his gf. I wouldn’t guilt trip them to cancel their plans, no one should feel they have to spend Xmas with you. Make your own plans be that a mini break, volunteering in a homeless shelter, having a chill day or spend it with friends. Don’t rely on your children to be your entertainment thats not fair.
Apologise directly to his gf, you are entitled to have different opinions but you don’t need to be rude about her. Next time she starts a politics debate don’t engage let the others chat.

Sorry op but it does sound like this is your own doing.

we have all been arrogant, engage mouth before brain young adults. Sounds like she has been emotionally abandoned a bit by her parents and has had to find her worth in her status and achievements. You should have kept your mouth shut and gracefully moved contentious conversations along

It will be salvageable but you need to give them space and maybe a casual invite to something like the cinema where you can keep conversation to a minimum and show them you accept them and want to spend time with them.

Honestly, smile and make other plans. Move away from this Christmas obsession it’s one day out of 365. As your kids get older this will happen- you have to be prepared for it. You’re moving away from the role of matriarch.

Sounds like you’ll be with your daughter every other year and you can plan a family Christmas for then, and make more interesting plans for the other years.

And if you want your kids to be there in the future they have to want to come! Practise saying “that’s nice dear, how interesting” to their respective partners (however annoying) and giving them some space.

Unfortunately you stepped right into that and have given her the ammunition she needed to isolate your son from you. At the end of the day she's exciting, French, he's probably having lots of sex and of course his loyalty (at the moment) will be to her. You're going to have to suck this one up I'm afraid until your DS (potentially) sees sense, but either way do not let them know you're feeling sad/upset about Christmas. Use this time to make your own plans, I expect your DS is oddly expecting you to be all maudlin and sad about not seeing your sons and even if you are, you don't need to let them see that and give them the satisfaction ....

I agree with her that Britain does suffer with these two ideals and neither working so we get the worst of both.

I do think she is unreasonable to attend a family gathering, bring up politics and then hold this against you

Whilst at the same time supporting drugs from Afghanistan and putting money in their pockets by taking drugs, no matter how irregular - yet refusing to enter a church for a wedding

Of course you should have kept your mouth shut and you are now regretting this part of the day, it was foolish. You thought if she can air her views - then you could air yours - only it doesn't work like that

I voted you are not being unreasonable - I feel you've been hung out to dry.

Id suggest a cruise with plenty of people around you, somehow cruises are very sociable for solo travellers and it'll mean you get looked after - yes it might cost more travelling solo. https://www.fredolsencruises.com/christmas-new-year-cruises?DepartureDates=2025%2F12 these cruises are good and have solo prices. Id also look at Cunard, they have lots of solo travellers and get togethers on board

None of that means they are obliged to spend Christmas with her if they choose not to . it’s not fair to guilt trip people so you get your own way. Which you can tell by the way the OP post is written. Is her normal? I always do Christmas, I had the kids for Christmas every year when me and my husband split, I’ll be spending Christmas alone . none of that is her children’s responsibility.

Disagree. The colour of OP’s and the girl’s politics is not the important thing here.

The girl is young, gobby and opinionated. A lot of us were, in our 20s. OP fell out with her without thinking of the wider consequences. Piss your son’s girlfriend off = see less of your son.

Please DO NOT get your DD involved in any of this op.

Don’t ask if you can spend Christmas with her in laws, and don’t try to get her on your side about the issues with your DS. Just don’t do anything that will put her in the middle.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children

It looks like your children wouldn’t agree

OP, even if you think your son and his wife are in the wrong here, I think you need to look at how your other kids are reacting as a guide to who is being unreasonable. If they don’t have form for ganging on you, I’d infer that them all making this decision suggests you are at fault and behaved badly in the past. They have handled it badly, absolutely, but if you want to move forward I think you need to show a bit of (genuine) introspection and remorse

what I hate about having to keep quiet - is as a woman I have my own views and why shouldn't I be heard. With families and their spouses I have agreed to not talk about politic and so did my SIL

Can you afford to go and visit your brother? I think whatever you do it's very important that you don't let them think you've had a bad time.

Well you can't stand the girlfriend so the silver lining is that you don't have to spend Christmas day with her!

Think positively about how you will spend the day differently this year. You could go abroad, pamper yourself at home, spend it with another single friend(s), volunteer. A few years ago my friend was on her own when her ex had the kids for Christmas day (he didn't usually). She drove to a beach in the morning and enjoyed walking in the sand, having it completely to herself. Then she came to us in the late afternoon for a turkey sandwich and champagne. She was surprised how much she enjoyed her different Christmas day and not having to host and cook.

I am sorry that your children treated you this way. Regardless of whether you have beef with someone or not, inviting them into a group chat, sticking the boot in then running off Is a cruel thing to do, especially to your own mother. Appalling.

However they have made their decisions and you have to suck that up. As others have mentioned I would apologise to the girlfriend this will feel horrible because she sounds like a piece of work and will probably get off on an apology. Nevertheless, you have to do this but don’t do it in order to get Xmas back on track. Do it for the future of your relationship with them. Going forward you will have to put on a big act with this gf and bite your tongue, politely respond and gently change the conversation when you are around her.

With regards to Xmas this is an opportunity for you to do things differently. Can you find a holiday for singles? Make arrangements to be with a friend who is going to be alone? Volunteer for a charity. As Xmas is so important to you, you need to do some self therapy to get over it just for this year. Whatever, do NOT tell your kids how lonely you are going to be. Get on with your own life. This is the opportunity of a lifetime for you to be free. Other single child free women may have some good tips for you.

Yes but the OP made it very clear that she didn't give a hoot what their father did every Christmas. She denied her children ever having a Christmas day with their Dad because it meant so much to her.

She has prioritised her own vision of Christmas throughout her adult life - no mention of her own parents or in-laws wanting to host. So her kids are following her lead.

I think they were very mean about how they did it, but maybe they felt it had to be a united front so she would get the message.

That depends on how much time you have off work and what the day consists of. It all seems that the OP has the day she wants, as we will read, on here, from November to January, it doesn't mean that those being summoned to attend enjoy any of it. Not everyone likes a roast dinner and we don't know the OP's view on drinking etc, there might be some resentment from the boys because they never got a Christmas day with their Dad. Also there are some ski resorts that are best done in December.

It sounds as though the OP would have tried to use a counter argument and possible manipulation, so they stated what they were doing, which is fine and then left her to process it.
OP I've had Christmas day alone, I have three adult children, a sister and a partner. My day consisted of my favourite Christmas films and different flavours of Irish cream (Aldi) and napping. They've been great days.

This sounds crazy. There are lots of things here

But I lot of it will be lost in translation and she is still young.

Best offer a full apology and don't bring up Christmas this side of valentines day.

If you can salvage this don't bring up any opinions about politics or religion even when asked directly. It's not worth it.

You have missed out the full context of the politics conversation that incited this heated discussion at Easter. What was the topic, were you expressing bigoted opinions? Was this about immigration or the trans community?

All this nonsense with girlfriends aside, your children are adults now - they’re off making their own way in the world and don’t want to be tied down to spending Christmas with their mum every single year.

You sound rather controlling and like it has to be your way or no way - maybe use this Christmas as a chance to reflect on how things can be different in the future.

It’s also worth remembering that you don’t need to express every opinion that’s in your head or let your kids know how you really feel!

I am sorry that your children treated you this way. Regardless of whether you have beef with someone or not, inviting them into a group chat, sticking the boot in then running off Is a cruel thing to do, especially to your own mother. Appalling.

It's terrible behaviour, regardless of what others have done its down right disrespectful.