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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I end long running "play date"?

128 replies

llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:08

So for the past 2 years (possibly more but I've lost count), my DS's (aged 9) best friend has been coming to ours after school every Friday. It started out pretty well but now they're getting older I'm finding they tend to sit on separate devices playing different videogames which I don't really see the point in?! They also sometimes argue and I feel like I have to intervene - although this doesnt happen too often. Yet my son is really set on having this playdate.... (sorry I hate the term playdate but its what my son calls it). My son is never invited to his friend's house, ever.

I work nearly full time and just want a quiet end to the week not to be getting asked for numerous snacks, having to fix technical problems or intervene in arguments. I've clearly got myself into a situation that I am going to struggle to get out of! There is also another wee boy who my son has started to invite on Fridays too now so sometimes I end up with 4 or 5 children in my home (I have a younger child too).

I am reluctant to speak to the mum as her English is not at all fluent and Im worried she'd take it the wrong way. 😔 the boy is a lovely child, I am just done with the playdate situation.

YABU: suck it up you created the situation.
YANBU: figure out a way to end it, or make it less frequent?

Advice welcome.

OP posts:
Bitzee · 15/09/2025 20:29

Just cut it back? Tell her when she picks up this Friday that you’re busy next week and the following week so next playdate on the 10th of October. Then after that fix the next one for mid November. Because it does seem a shame to stop them altogether if DS is still keen and this is a good mate but I totally get that you don’t want the annoyance weekly, it’d also be good for DS to have other friends over without this boy always being there and definitely the mother is taking the piss if it’s not once been reciprocated.

Viviennemary · 15/09/2025 20:34

Yes I think this is the best way. Don't stop them altogether but say you can no longer do every week.

financialcareerstuff · 15/09/2025 20:34

Sorry but I think you would be unreasonable to stop this. Your son is young and needs friends. He wants this time. And you are a parent- part of that is being inconvenienced for his sake, including helping him maintain friendships. If there are behaviours during the play date you don’t like then coach them to do better. But at nine years old, sorry it sounds pretty reasonable that they disturb you for help sometimes…. That’s having kids….. they are also at that awkward age when they are past soft play places etc but not old enough to go off on their own… and they haven’t learned the art of conversations either. So while you could encourage them to do other things, playing games but ‘just hanging out’ the way they are sounds pretty natural behaviour.

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:37

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I should have been clearer that I have no intention of never having the friend back over, I just dont want it every week for another 2 years. Especially when it is never ever reciprocated. I like the idea of saying we're busy on certain dates.

OP posts:
Apocketfilledwithposies · 15/09/2025 20:39

Yes just scale them back. Explain to your ds that he can still have friends round just not every single Friday.

MiddleAgedMusings · 15/09/2025 20:39

Why is your son taking it upon himself to invite whoever he wants round? He needs to stop doing this. In terms of the weekly playdate boy,.I would send her a message and say that every Fridays doesn't work for you anymore and you would need to cut it down to once or twice a month. Don't worry about the language barrier, most people with a poor understanding of English put texts into a a translation app

MyLittleNest · 15/09/2025 20:39

I wouldn't explain but simply say that you need the friend picked up by X time. She will assume you have plans. That can then be established as the norm going forward.

Your son can also rotate which friends come by on Fridays. I'd limit it to one unless they are going to play outside. He can therefore always have the social experience on Fridays but it doesn't need to be some big group. As for the boy who has been coming every Friday, maybe he can come every other week or even once a month. And again, establish the time frame before the play date starts.

I would never tolerate the situation you are describing.

HumerousHumous · 15/09/2025 20:40

financialcareerstuff · 15/09/2025 20:34

Sorry but I think you would be unreasonable to stop this. Your son is young and needs friends. He wants this time. And you are a parent- part of that is being inconvenienced for his sake, including helping him maintain friendships. If there are behaviours during the play date you don’t like then coach them to do better. But at nine years old, sorry it sounds pretty reasonable that they disturb you for help sometimes…. That’s having kids….. they are also at that awkward age when they are past soft play places etc but not old enough to go off on their own… and they haven’t learned the art of conversations either. So while you could encourage them to do other things, playing games but ‘just hanging out’ the way they are sounds pretty natural behaviour.

Completely disagree. Op is not at all unreasonable. She has been doing this every week for two years, it’s not working between the boys anymore, it’s not a playdate as they're not playing, her DS has other friends so the “needs friends” doesn’t cut it. And it’s not been reciprocated so it appears to just be free childcare.

Just reduce as PP suggest or stop. Maybe your DS can now be going to a club on this night.

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:40

financialcareerstuff · 15/09/2025 20:34

Sorry but I think you would be unreasonable to stop this. Your son is young and needs friends. He wants this time. And you are a parent- part of that is being inconvenienced for his sake, including helping him maintain friendships. If there are behaviours during the play date you don’t like then coach them to do better. But at nine years old, sorry it sounds pretty reasonable that they disturb you for help sometimes…. That’s having kids….. they are also at that awkward age when they are past soft play places etc but not old enough to go off on their own… and they haven’t learned the art of conversations either. So while you could encourage them to do other things, playing games but ‘just hanging out’ the way they are sounds pretty natural behaviour.

I totally get your point. I think last week was just particularly hard because the Xbox wouldn't work for some reason then the friend was asking for my phone to play games on 🤔😅 it felt like i was being whined at every 5 mins. I work in 3 separate but demanding jobs and I get to Friday and just dont want to deal with any extra requests. Probably very unreasonable of me but it's how I feel.

OP posts:
MyLittleNest · 15/09/2025 20:41

Adding that as this boy has never once invited your DS over, it's beyond reasonable to cut down the time length and frequency. If her son wants to see your son more, then they can invite him over for a change!

Latenightreader · 15/09/2025 20:41

I think you need to make sure you have something arranged for those two Fridays - trip to family/haircut/dental appointment/other people coming over etc so you are away from the house. Once you've broken the pattern it should hopefully be easier to book them in rather than assume.

Newgirls · 15/09/2025 20:43

I can’t believe it’s gone on so long! Just say he’s tired after school and you’ll text to arrange another day in a couple of weeks

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:44

MiddleAgedMusings · 15/09/2025 20:39

Why is your son taking it upon himself to invite whoever he wants round? He needs to stop doing this. In terms of the weekly playdate boy,.I would send her a message and say that every Fridays doesn't work for you anymore and you would need to cut it down to once or twice a month. Don't worry about the language barrier, most people with a poor understanding of English put texts into a a translation app

Honestly I get to the playground for pickup and my son is all pleaaase pleeease and this other wee boy (the one who also now sometimes comes round) and is looking at me all expectantly and I just cave...🙃

OP posts:
HonoriaBulstrode · 15/09/2025 20:47

the friend was asking for my phone to play games on

That's a bit cheeky - more than a bit, in fact. When you're a guest, you politely accept what's offered, you don't go asking for stuff - unless it's something basic like a drink of water.

I agree with pp, have some other commitments on the next couple of Fridays then you can establish a new routine. A new school year is a good time to do this.

ConnieHeart · 15/09/2025 20:49

My dd's best friend always comes to ours. Dd rarely gets invited to theirs. They both prefer our house as it's quieter! Maybe it's a similar reason for your DS' friend. But you should not feel obliged to have the friend round. You could tell your ds to tell him at school that this Fri is not convenient & then remind him again nearer the time

fluffythecat1 · 15/09/2025 20:51

Mums Lives Matter. You are entitled to downtime, you don’t exist simply to work and as a facilitator for your son. Of course, you love your son and want to arrange play dates so that he has a good time, you are a good mum, however you are also entitled to time to do what you want to do, which sounds like every other Friday having a nice chilled end to the week. Grin

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:51

HonoriaBulstrode · 15/09/2025 20:47

the friend was asking for my phone to play games on

That's a bit cheeky - more than a bit, in fact. When you're a guest, you politely accept what's offered, you don't go asking for stuff - unless it's something basic like a drink of water.

I agree with pp, have some other commitments on the next couple of Fridays then you can establish a new routine. A new school year is a good time to do this.

He is usually really polite but I think this is just symptomatic of it having gone on for so long. I think he is overly comfortable at this point 🤔 my son goes to a swimming lesson later on Friday evening once everyone has left so not sure i would/could put another activity in there but I'll think about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:53

ConnieHeart · 15/09/2025 20:49

My dd's best friend always comes to ours. Dd rarely gets invited to theirs. They both prefer our house as it's quieter! Maybe it's a similar reason for your DS' friend. But you should not feel obliged to have the friend round. You could tell your ds to tell him at school that this Fri is not convenient & then remind him again nearer the time

I suspect it's because we are more liberal with screens.... when the tech wouldn't work last week this friend was surprisingly annoyed (hence asking for my phone to play games).

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 15/09/2025 20:54

You can just say no. However in my home if my kid invites someone over to play then they have to play with them, not just turn on a device and ignore them. What's the point to having them over then? It's different if they are playing a game together, but otherwise it would be going off.

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:57

All of this has made me realise how much this is the kind of thing my own mum would do -not the exact same scenario and my mum was a SAHM - but she'd pretend she was totally cool with something then would end up being quite resentful. 🫤

OP posts:
DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/09/2025 20:58

I think it's great that your son is so sociable and friendly, and it sounds like he really values this, as do his friends. I also used to be the parent who hosted lots of play dates. Most of my children are adults now and I'm at the stage where they tell me what things they remember and value from their early years. It's been great to hear from some of their old friends that they loved coming over. Maybe you'll find the same one day.
I wonder if there are ways to make it less hassle for you and more valuable?
First off, I'd tell them that screens are banned from the Friday club. They can find other things to do, and not bug you. Lego, board games, whatever. Secondly, if your DS wants this so badly, can he step up and do some of the prep / tidying for Friday nights?

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 20:58

Thepossibility · 15/09/2025 20:54

You can just say no. However in my home if my kid invites someone over to play then they have to play with them, not just turn on a device and ignore them. What's the point to having them over then? It's different if they are playing a game together, but otherwise it would be going off.

I completely agree. It wasn't always like that but seems to have gone that way more recently.

OP posts:
jay55 · 15/09/2025 20:59

Sounds like if you said you were having screen free Fridays going forward, they’d not want to come….

BonfireNight1993 · 15/09/2025 21:00

One of the things I loved most about my childhood was that I was perpetually welcome to have friends over to my house whenever I wanted. It meant that when I was a teenager my home because the de facto place to socialise, and my parents were involved in our lives. Now we're in our twenties and thirties and my parents are still much loved by those now adults. I would be careful about losing your set up - it sounds like it's a nice, comforting, comfortable one for your son. That said, I would try and pull them away from sitting there on various devices and you certainly shouldn't be having to mediate for them. Stronger rules / boundaries, but don't axe their arrangement, it's a lovely thing for them to have.

Original poster
llamashoe · 15/09/2025 21:01

DivorcedAndDelighted · 15/09/2025 20:58

I think it's great that your son is so sociable and friendly, and it sounds like he really values this, as do his friends. I also used to be the parent who hosted lots of play dates. Most of my children are adults now and I'm at the stage where they tell me what things they remember and value from their early years. It's been great to hear from some of their old friends that they loved coming over. Maybe you'll find the same one day.
I wonder if there are ways to make it less hassle for you and more valuable?
First off, I'd tell them that screens are banned from the Friday club. They can find other things to do, and not bug you. Lego, board games, whatever. Secondly, if your DS wants this so badly, can he step up and do some of the prep / tidying for Friday nights?

I will try. We have sooo many damn devices in our home it's ridiculous. The school have also given all of them ipads this year 🫤

OP posts: