How do I end long running "play date"?

[llamashoe]

So for the past 2 years (possibly more but I've lost count), my DS's (aged 9) best friend has been coming to ours after school every Friday. It started out pretty well but now they're getting older I'm finding they tend to sit on separate devices playing different videogames which I don't really see the point in?! They also sometimes argue and I feel like I have to intervene - although this doesnt happen too often. Yet my son is really set on having this playdate.... (sorry I hate the term playdate but its what my son calls it). My son is never invited to his friend's house, ever.

I work nearly full time and just want a quiet end to the week not to be getting asked for numerous snacks, having to fix technical problems or intervene in arguments. I've clearly got myself into a situation that I am going to struggle to get out of! There is also another wee boy who my son has started to invite on Fridays too now so sometimes I end up with 4 or 5 children in my home (I have a younger child too).

I am reluctant to speak to the mum as her English is not at all fluent and Im worried she'd take it the wrong way. 😔 the boy is a lovely child, I am just done with the playdate situation.

YABU: suck it up you created the situation.
YANBU: figure out a way to end it, or make it less frequent?

Advice welcome.

I have not batted every suggestion away.

Ok. You have said that you will have a think and that you will ‘invest in a safe’.

The safe thing was mostly a joke. A friend recently told me she puts her kids devices in a safe so that's why I thought of that. I think i will just cut down. Say we can't do certain dates. I dont want to completely stop them but its become the expected thing and I dont think it should be. Thanks again for everyone's replies.

Also just to point out, there have been some very different views on this. Some people are saying its madness and mind blowing that this has even happened/I've let it go on for so long whereas some are acknowledging that they have been in a similar position. Some think I should enforce screen free playdates and others not. It's been interesting reading the replies.

The first thing you need to do is speak to your son. Tell him there’s no point in having his friend round if they’re just going to sit there on different devices, playing different games. Ridiculous.
Tell him that every week is too much and as he doesn’t get invited back, you’re going to put some limits in place.
And most importantly, tell him that any whining in the school playground will be met with an instant NO! My son started this when he was a similar age and after falling for it a couple of times, me and the other mum told our children that if they spring it on us in the playground without already agreeing to it then the answer will always be no.
You are the parent and you make the decisions. End of.

I think there is a difficult line to tread sometime. Having play dates for your 9 year old are fun and help him socialise and I think do them a lot of good.
But sometimes, as in this case, it can veer into the territory of being taken advantage of by another parent... and when this happens without them even asking and goes on for a long time, it can cause resentment. I do think the other parent is taking advantage.

At the same time its nice for your son to think its OK to have friends over and you'd have a different set of worries if he didn't have anyone wanting to come or wasn't invited anywhere.

Its good that you have the swimming after because that puts a time limit on it so that the friends are not overstaying.

I think you do have to cut back on the every week rain or shine visits and make it more like once or occasionally twice a month. You say that the boy is very nice etc... so that seems fairer.

But more than that I think you need to take your DC out somewhere nice like a cafe and have a chat to him about the situation. Explain why he can't just invite people without asking with you first or let other kids come up and ask you themselves. Tell him it can continue if he makes it clear that he asks you first. I can't see that he would be upset by that... and maybe explain why it may not always be convenient.. Also you could establish a system that parents contact each other a day or two before hand, so that its not sprung on you at the last minute. In fact, if you don't already, set the habit that everything is confirmed by text with the other mums (to get them into the habit too and make pick up times clear) And also suggest to your son that he can ask the people who are always at his if he can be invited to theirs?

It's a good time to sort it all out as your little one will be wanting play dates too. Best of luck

Joys of parenting. Kids never forget who's parents were happy and willing enough to let them come over and where they felt welcome. I wouldn't stop it if it meant your son sat in on his own.

This is where your going wrong, it’s where I went wrong too, feeling sorry and guilty for other peoples situations.

The play date I mentioned in my last post was originally a favour as the parent couldn’t get the child to an activity so every week I had the child, fed them and took the to the activity with my child and home after. This continued even after the activity ended. There was always something going on in their lives, always an excuse for things. For the most part I was happy to do it because my child wanted it, the other child is absolutely lovely, easy to have, helpful but it evenly got to enough is enough, their problems wernt mine.

I don’t have a problem with screen play dates as long as my child has plenty of other activities going on in their life and can put devises away when asked without issue.

can't be bothered to read all the thread op so sorry if Im repeating but I think there are separate issues here

It sounds quite sad that at 9 years old a playdate is just screens - I wouldn't even tolerate this for my 13 year old (and he is a gaming fiend!)

I get that you are working but I think you need to say - right boys, we are going to do something different today - screens are for X o clock for an hour and if you can't find other things to do we are going to pause the playdates.

Children who have been sitting down at school all day need to run about - do you have a garden? could you supervise park while on your work calls?

I think it's a bad sign the kid is asking for some shitty games on your phone while on a playdate tbh.

However - I respect you as the play date hosting parent! kids need social time but this does not sound like particularly positive time???

btw I think talk of 'painting' is naive sorry. I have a gaming loving boy and by 9 years old absolutely no way was he interested in painting with friends - even my creative daughter would find he that babyish. sorry!

However - what my gaming loving son WOULD love is being outside or physical type play. If your sons school has ipads - is it a private school? Im only saying this as I think this means you will have space for a garden!

Are the kids old enough to do a walk to the park or just be in the garden for an hour or so - trampoline/?

I am honestly not naive about screens and gaming and no my son would not be 'dressing up' at 9 years old with friends - (great if some kids are obviously) - but it's not okay to just say yeh lets all ignore each other and bash away on ipads and gaming devices for 3 hours.

Two pretexts for breaking the pattern:
i) It's a new school year. Changes in routine are par for the course at school (just gone into Year 5, I'd guess; when I was teaching, Year 5 was something of a "stepping up" school year). Perhaps there are different expectations, or a new activity, for the younger sibling?
ii) The other parents are in the process of selling their house; does this mean that they will be living elsewhere, with different logistics for reaching one another's homes, even if they are not moving far, and no need to change schools?
I notice that PP's have suggested strategic breakdown of devices, although if you have many, this may not be feasible.
Perhaps there could be no other time than straight after school on Friday to do something else: school shoes need refitting as the current ones are getting too small, got to get to the specialist shop before it closes, DS really need a haircut, ditto with barber, dental appointment, etc. You already have to get things done before it's time for swimming.

Has the other mother said why she never reciprocates? Dd had this, same child coming endlessly, Gdd never invited back.
Dd eventually asked the mother why not.
Basically she said she just couldn’t be arsed!

OP, I’d definitely cut it down, to every other week for starters. If your DS wants to know why, tell him you find it too tiring, so perhaps it’s time he was invited back.

Just a reminder
You are allowed to say not this week, I am knackered.
One thing I learned by child 3 was, you came do any activity but not on a Friday x

Set ground rules, no asking for your help with technology, low voices, the occasional bickering is normal.
I wouldn't stop them.
Or alternatively take them out somewhere.
The older kids enjoy trampoline parks, etc, have a coffee, listening to a podcast.
My DM had 5 DC, one or two of us always had a pal over. Good memories.

Thanks for your reply. We live in a flat on the outskirts of a large city. It is a large flat but no direct access to a garden. I did avtually used to take them down to the garden a lot on a Friday in the summer when the playdates first started 2 years ago but this gradually tapered off. We have a really nice communal garden but having them out there does mean I need to physically go down to the garden and sit around (I'm sorry if this sounds lazy but I dont especially want to do that every Friday either). We live in Scotland so it is getting cold and rainy now too.

My parents were much like @BonfireNight1993 .

Friends were always welcome, as teens we hung out at mine and as adults my friends still adore my parents.

Technology wasn’t a thing then so can’t comment on that but it was a safe environment for us to hang out in. I have lots of siblings so along with our many friends it was probably a lot for my parents but they always made everyone welcome.

However, if you want a break you just say! Maybe say once a fortnight?

Thanks for your reply. It's not a private school and I live in a flat with no direct garden access. I agree getting them outside would be better.

It's once a week.
Bring a Frisby to the nearest park. A cheap foam aeroplane, my 10 year loves this.
The communal garden sounds boring.
He's 9, you need to motivate yourself.

https://www.smythstoys.com/ie/en-ie/outdoor/garden-games-and-accessories/garden-games/foam-glider-plane-assortment/p/237759

We got 2 of those recently as it happens. My motivation for the park is a wee bit lacking by Friday I'm honest. Did I mention i have 3 jobs? I take my children to the park a lot but to take 3+ children every single Friday, I'm not sure. Im not a professional childminder. Ill be cutting back and that's that. Thanks for your reply.

I would definitely break the Friday playdate habit as a first step.

You need to get better at saying 'Not today, we are busy today.'

Then you can decide what works for you, whether it's monthly or bi-weekly. Ir may prod the mum to invite your son.

Life sounds tough for you.
I hope it gets easier.
DS is probably enjoying the game more than the company, he'll get over it.
The other DM should reciprocate. Tell her you're busy 3 Fridays in the month, if she'd like to have DS over on those dates, it can be arranged.
Text her, if it is easier.

Thanks for being kind in your reply. I appreciate that. Honestly my life generally is not so tough. I really enjoy my jobs but they are very demanding. They do afford me a comfortable life though (not private school comfortable but enough not to worry too much about money). The other mum doesn't work. I actually dont mind the lack of reciprocation too much (my husband thinks its ridiculous)it's more that it's become the expectation. I just need to set out boundaries with my son and the other parent.

She mistakes kindness for weakness.
Send the text today, Friday is no longer convenient, You'll be available the last Friday every month, starting today, enjoy your free Friday. 😉

I think a lot of things are going on here, and working out which ones matter most to you is important. I completely understand the tendency to agree to everything but then feel resentful (even though I have only myself to blame). But in your shoes I would cut back on hosting other children every week. It’s ultimately not worth the resentment. Fewer playdates might also mean your son will enjoy and appreciate them more.

As for the activities the children engage in, I wouldn’t allow a screen-based playdate with the boys playing different games on different devices. I’m not a fan of too much screen time anyway. There are so many other ways that children (including 9-year-old boys) can interact without devices.

I’d also come down hard on the pleading for playdates in front of his friends. That’s not fair to you or them. He’s old enough to understand that it puts everyone in an awkward position. Also, presumably your younger child will want to begin inviting friends over sometimes. Why are you concerned about your son feeling jealous? He’s had weekly playdates for years, it’s only fair that his sibling has the opportunity to have friends over now as well.

Even if they behaved like angels, every single Friday is waaaaaaay to often.