How do I end long running "play date"?

[llamashoe]

So for the past 2 years (possibly more but I've lost count), my DS's (aged 9) best friend has been coming to ours after school every Friday. It started out pretty well but now they're getting older I'm finding they tend to sit on separate devices playing different videogames which I don't really see the point in?! They also sometimes argue and I feel like I have to intervene - although this doesnt happen too often. Yet my son is really set on having this playdate.... (sorry I hate the term playdate but its what my son calls it). My son is never invited to his friend's house, ever.

I work nearly full time and just want a quiet end to the week not to be getting asked for numerous snacks, having to fix technical problems or intervene in arguments. I've clearly got myself into a situation that I am going to struggle to get out of! There is also another wee boy who my son has started to invite on Fridays too now so sometimes I end up with 4 or 5 children in my home (I have a younger child too).

I am reluctant to speak to the mum as her English is not at all fluent and Im worried she'd take it the wrong way. 😔 the boy is a lovely child, I am just done with the playdate situation.

YABU: suck it up you created the situation.
YANBU: figure out a way to end it, or make it less frequent?

Advice welcome.

Are you doing the painting, lego etc with 9 year olds?

Food for thought, I asked someone recently who’s incredibly close to her adult children why she thinks they are so close. She said it’s because her house was the house everyone came to hang out at. Her kids were always around her, she knew all the friends, it’s where they all gathered. I totally see the cons you are experiencing, but there’s pros too. I’d move to every other Friday.

I always have a no screens on play dates rule. Maybe for a sleepover or if they are there all weekend we have some screening but as a rule it's just a no.
No need for a safe just tell them. If they cheat and go on it they lose all screens for a week.
Promise you they only do that once.

Well not most of it. With the painting I would ve getting the paints and brushes out and help them tidy up but everything else they can do like when they play by themselves with it.

And are they 9 years old?

Set some ground rules with your son.

Agree who he can ask over and when and agree he will not ask infront of the boy

No devices on play dates or time limited to half an hour or something. Tell the other boy this when you invite him ' we are having some screen free time this week, would you like to come over to play in the garden / football / board games' so he isn't disappointed

God no!

I set it up. Make a coffee and doom scroll or start dinner. Throw snacks at them as needed.

I live in a flat so outdoor activity is not so easy.

Say it simply. It doesn't suit any more. There can be a few ad-hoc but not every week

Been there and a short message ended it.

Every Friday?!! It’s not unreasonable to stop this. Shall she just keep doing it until they’re teenagers?

Tell the mum and your son, I am cutting the playdates to every other Friday from now on and then ONLY if nothing else is happening. Say every Friday is getting too much - she can hardly complain, if she never hosts play dates. You can text her.

It's perfectly reasonable. Don't worry about her - she is not your friend.

Just to say I was another one who set the rule - do not ask for a playdate with the child standing next to you. It needs to be arranged beforehand or you can ask discreetly, away from the child.

At 9 your child is old enough to not behave like that. I’d say (and have done in the past) ‘ah no sorry, we have to go to X now’… just make something up… either go out for real or just go home and at home explain to your kid that the play dates are too much and he’s it’s really bad form to put you on the spot like that. I promise you 9 year olds are capable of understanding that.

Also tell your kid that friend should be inviting DS round to his house sometimes and it shouldn’t all be on DS (/you). It would be no bad thing if DS then goes into school and tell the kid ‘my mum says it’s not fair that I’m never invited to yours’ 🤷‍♀️

One week at yours, next week nobody !

I find it mind blowing that anyone would end up in this situation.

Is it free childcare for the other mum?

Just say no 🤷‍♀️

I do think maybe no screens would be an idea (or just a time limit on them). My daughter has just left school so obviously older but I would never have let her or her friends sit on screens for a whole play date. Like a pp I would have given them something else to do or asked them to come up with something and facilitated that. There is no way they'd have been on screens at 9! You're asking 'but are those kids 9' like you think this is an age where you can't control them or most of them are on screens 24/7. If you don't put some boundaries in now I think you will have bigger problems in the future.

Mind blowing, really? Fair enough. I always knew I was too soft but here we have it confirmed by Mumsnet 😕

Very rude of the other parent to assume free childcare every Friday and not invite your son back.

Maybe enrol him in a club every Friday evening? Would get him off the video games and give a perfect excuse to stop the regular 'playdates' although I think having his friend's over still sometimes shouldn't be an issue.

He has swimming every Friday evening already after the "playdate".

Definitely make excuses, can’t do this week have an appointment, I’m not feeling well this week can we postpone, family event happening. After a while just say things are getting busier in your life especially with younger one doing things, you don’t want to stop the get-togethers but can you do monthly going forward.

i had a similar situation, we played the appointment and event card a few times, thankfully the other child actually started an activity on that night so it worked out. I just didn’t even enter a conversation about doing it another night. It was about 2 years and I was done, more with the parents than the actual play date itself.

So I'm not the only one who has got trapped in a 2 year playdate scenario.

I don’t think you should do it if you really don’t want to as that just builds resentment.

My friends mum was the mum who had the kids round whenever and honestly I still love her now, I have very fond memories. I plan to be that mum 😁

I get your point but this is from approx 3.15pm to 5pm its not like 4 hours of screens.

ignore, we all get sucked into things.

I can't fix my typo i meant from 3pm to 5.30pm.

This is good advice. It breaks the cycle of every week and puts you in control of when he visits instead of the understanding being that you've volunteered to have him for free childcare every single Friday.

Another option is to sign your son up for some kind of club/swimming lessons or something on a Friday. Or to say that your younger child is now having some Friday play dates.

The other mum is a CF if she's never invited your son back. She will probably take offence that this convenience has been cut back, but that really is too bad. I'm betting she won't be grateful that you've done it for two years either,

It's always good for them to have more than one regular friend - it makes the friendships more easy going and less intense.

If language is a problem. Text and she can use a translation... stand firm.