How do I end long running "play date"?

[llamashoe]

So for the past 2 years (possibly more but I've lost count), my DS's (aged 9) best friend has been coming to ours after school every Friday. It started out pretty well but now they're getting older I'm finding they tend to sit on separate devices playing different videogames which I don't really see the point in?! They also sometimes argue and I feel like I have to intervene - although this doesnt happen too often. Yet my son is really set on having this playdate.... (sorry I hate the term playdate but its what my son calls it). My son is never invited to his friend's house, ever.

I work nearly full time and just want a quiet end to the week not to be getting asked for numerous snacks, having to fix technical problems or intervene in arguments. I've clearly got myself into a situation that I am going to struggle to get out of! There is also another wee boy who my son has started to invite on Fridays too now so sometimes I end up with 4 or 5 children in my home (I have a younger child too).

I am reluctant to speak to the mum as her English is not at all fluent and Im worried she'd take it the wrong way. 😔 the boy is a lovely child, I am just done with the playdate situation.

YABU: suck it up you created the situation.
YANBU: figure out a way to end it, or make it less frequent?

Advice welcome.

Im going to have to invest in a safe aren't I? 😅

This is lovely. Food for thought.

In the playground say ‘Sorry boys, can’t do the Friday play dates for a bit, I’ve got a lot on and we have things going on at the house. Let’s pick them up again after half term yeah? Cheerio!! Have a good weekend!!

The person you need to discuss this with is not the other Mum, it’s your son.

We always had a blanket ban on last minute asks for friends to come in the presence of said friend - it’s rude and manipulative.

Similarly I’d not be putting up with whining from guests.

That aside, the teenage years are approaching rapidly and there is a serious advantage to really knowing who your children’s friends are.

It’s a good thing for your house to be the one that friends are welcome to gather in.

What about your younger child, could you say that it's their turn to have a playdate, as an excuse why you can't do every week? Or that they need some downtime at the end of the week?

I'm struggling a bit with this myself. I don't quite have the same long standing setup but DS11 is frequently wanting to invite friends over. There is one regular who is lovely, never any trouble and reciprocates. Then there are a couple who I don't mind occasionally but don't find they are as good an influence so I tend not to encourage. I find it hard as DD7 tends to get jealous, but on the other hand I don't feel she needs/wants as many playdates and also needs more supervision whereas with DD I can generally leave them to it while I work.

My younger one only just started school and doesnt really have a wee friend yet (she has friends from nursery who she still sees but they're not at school yet). My son would also struggle with jealousy if he saw his sister having a playdate instead of him having one especially if it was on that Friday.

That aside, the teenage years are approaching rapidly and there is a serious advantage to really knowing who your children’s friends are.

Teenagers don't need refereeing in the way younger children do. They can be left to get on with it. And if they're being a nuisance, you can just chuck them out. No need to call mum and wait for her to collect.

Could you tell her works busy atm and ask if she could have the boys alternative Fridays

I just can't bring myself to ask 🙃 they are also in the process of trying to sell their place so its maybe not the best time. 😕

There's probably some underlying bullying going on there. Your DS's friend is probably saying to him "Right, we're going to your house" and your DS is being submissive to him and saying "Yeah, okay". Being away from his own house might be a motivation/reason for the pushy behaviour. Never being invited back is an alarm bell. Could just be that his own house or situation is shit and he likes something he's getting at your house (nicer snacks, different scenery, whatever else). All this is just conjecture though

Agreed. I'd be annoyed at the other child's parent(s). Sounds like the parent's see you as free childcare and their kid doesn't even really like your child much and is just using you and your son as a venue/hangout spot.

Same here. OP, you sound like you let your DS do whatever he likes. And getting jealous of his sibling if she had a play date for a change WTF?

My eldest is 9 as well and after the first few weeks of school and the manipulative pleading faces asking for play dates I told my child if that was ever repeated, the answer would always be no.

This makes it sound like we are antisocial, but that’s not true all the time. We have people over often, we go round friends houses, but I don’t feel totally overwhelmed and used because I also carve out quiet family time too. I’m also happy with a spontaneous play date but it’s arranged but the adults and reciprocal. You’re a grown up @llamashoe!

If you don't practise saying 'no' occasionally to your child now, you will be well and truly stuffed when he becomes a teenager.

Someone else has said their child can get jealous of the other siblings playdates. I dont think this is just my son.

Plan something for Fridays that isn't home based.

Oh so he's basically coming over to use your sons devices? Yeah been there. A "sorry they are all being repaired" will probably see him latch on to someone else.

I mean this in the nicest of ways.. are you people pleasing yourself into resentment? I can see why youd be tired after a long weekend and then youre entertainments manager...

But 9 year olds squabble, but youve clearly made your home so welcoming these boys are happy to make your home the clubhouse. But its ok to say this is too much too often.

You dont need to anticipate and mitigate their potential problems. You just need to ask for theyre help so of the time. And if theyre happy to accept your kindness they should be happy to offer theirs.

Or ask new friends parents. Get a rota in. Share the load

Im definitely people pleasing myself into resentment just like my mum before me as I've now realised...🥲

Some people have commented that this boy is somehow bullying my son and/or using our house just for the screen time. I dont see either of those things as being true. He has been a good friend to my son, has a gentle nature and is not a bully. I just clearly need to put in some boundaries around the screen time.

I feel like so many parents of teenage boys are despairing their their son has no social life or friends - I would be really reluctant to do anything that might impede my son forming and keeping good friendships. I think you should rearrange it so that it works for you better but I think there are lots of benefits to being the “clubhouse” family as well.

I think that there are two separate issues. One is what your son does on play dates. If you don’t want him to game, don’t allow them to be on screens - although you might have to offer an alternative like taking them to the park.
The second is whether you want this boy over every Friday. If you don’t, I suggest you message her as then she can use a translation app

Why are they allowed devices?
Not much point in such a playdate.

Does no-one else allow devices on these so called playdates? I dont know. Im a nearly 40 year old millennial mum just trying my best tbh navigating a childhood landscape that was nothing like mine. 😌 the devices were also less of an issue when this all started and they were only 6 years old 😅

Just warn your son in advance of Friday, and remind him again Friday morning that there will be no play date this Friday so don’t ask.

if he asks why say the truth … Mums had a busy week at work and wants an hour or so before Fridays activity.

Kids are allowed to be told no sometimes.

in regards to the screen time I do think that’s what 9 year old boys do now!!

Personally we don't do tech base play dates. So after school plays we would do outside time, dress ups, soldiers, building with LEGO, maybe even drawing or painting depending on the child.

I totally get the Friday wanting to relax. And I wouldn't be doing every week.
Would you feel comfortable saying "oh not at mine this week, can you got to xxxx today?" Then find the mum.

I am actively encouraging children to come to my place as I want them to hang here or be comfortable here as they head into teen years.