How do I end long running "play date"?

[llamashoe]

So for the past 2 years (possibly more but I've lost count), my DS's (aged 9) best friend has been coming to ours after school every Friday. It started out pretty well but now they're getting older I'm finding they tend to sit on separate devices playing different videogames which I don't really see the point in?! They also sometimes argue and I feel like I have to intervene - although this doesnt happen too often. Yet my son is really set on having this playdate.... (sorry I hate the term playdate but its what my son calls it). My son is never invited to his friend's house, ever.

I work nearly full time and just want a quiet end to the week not to be getting asked for numerous snacks, having to fix technical problems or intervene in arguments. I've clearly got myself into a situation that I am going to struggle to get out of! There is also another wee boy who my son has started to invite on Fridays too now so sometimes I end up with 4 or 5 children in my home (I have a younger child too).

I am reluctant to speak to the mum as her English is not at all fluent and Im worried she'd take it the wrong way. 😔 the boy is a lovely child, I am just done with the playdate situation.

YABU: suck it up you created the situation.
YANBU: figure out a way to end it, or make it less frequent?

Advice welcome.

Why wouldn’t they be 9 years old? You make it sound as though any sort of non screen based game / activity is far too juvenile for your worldly, sophisticated 9 year old?

He's too tired for swimming after playdate and needs to rest before as the class is progressing... or its been moved forward a bit. You' ve already paid for the term.
or it smore convenient to take him straight there and give him tea before hand or similar.

If you do sign up to a club, be vague about it or say its full, or its not convenient with the little one or you'll be taking her son there and driving him home too.

He is not worldly or sophisticated but he does absolutely love playing video games after school on a Friday.

We have screen free rules for play dates unless they have chosen an activity to do together - like intentionally watching a movie.
otherwise what’s the social value? I find my sons can check out of hosting entirely if they are absorbed in something - I agree with PPs that you need to redefine the rules of engagement - and make sure your children are taking age appropriate responsibility for guests they have invited.

My DSis often has 2/3 children in and out her house playing. They are all around 8 and girls. She gives them snacks and the mums all have each others phone nos and message where they are and when they’ve to come home. All live nearby. They do gymnastics, painting, dolls, trampoline etc. often one of the mums will supply tea in consultation with each other or message when they’ve child has to go home. Boys seem harder unless out playing football. My DS usually has one at a time and is arranged. Maybe text mother and ask if DS can go to other boys one day ? X

Do you chat to the mother in the playground at pickup? Does she ever offer yo have yours? How does the little.friend get home? Does he live locally? I csnt belive shes never tried to repay your kindness ever!

Yanbu. Make it every other week as a compromise.

I used to have the same and not just once a week :-). That is life when you have kids, you just have to get on with it.

I don't remember having to get up and do much for them. We all had dinner, that was OK and they knew where to get anything else they wanted. I was not very technological back then so wasn't asked advice about that sort of thing, the kids were better at it than me! Husband was involved with it all. Sometimes we'd discuss things, we also had a laugh. That is life when you have children, it doesn't last forever and it's not all bad.

Definitely agree about not caving to the playground after school pleading in front of another child. One of mine used to try it and when I said no she’d often be unbothered and quite relieved- I think she sometimes got pressured to ask at the end of school. I did do play dates but definitely not every week on a Friday and I think at 9 it’s good to have lots of friends so would encourage inviting different people.

I’d also say lovely as it is to be the house where everyone is welcome it is bloody hard work and quite annoying at times. Mine are teens and I don’t operate a complete open house but always tell them their friends are welcome, feed them talk to them etc but being woken up by loud teenage boys at 2am or getting home from a long day to find a mess and all the food gone isn’t great. It’s a balance and nothing wrong with saying no sorry not this week, mums tired.

Construct a broken connection to all screens for a couple of weeks.
Your son will be weaned off screens by Friday.
Insist the boys play outside for the first week.

The second week they will either play outside or the friend won't want to come.
Then rearrange for the boy to come over in a fortnight.

Reset to twice per month.
Allow the other little friend once per month too.
Whatever you reset to has to be sustainable to you, Op.

The play date is a positive experience for your DS if the boys maintain good manners, are not addicted to screens and can easily enjoy playing outside too.

Well tbh by 9 they can obviously clean up themselves but it might be a bit rubbish so I would help. Mine are older now but had 4 of them.
Playing by themselves etc was from a much younger age. The main issue was fighting! But would separate them out so they (especially my autistic son) could play alone sometimes.
Why don't you tell your son he can play screens afterwards for a bit? What does he do when the kid goes?

Oh OP, I can’t believe this has been going on for 3 years, this is crazy. It’s one thing if you are enjoying it but you clearly are not. It wouldn’t be a bad thing for your son to be told no to things sometimes.

I am a recovering people pleaser myself and there is a balance to be had - drastically cut down the frequency, set time limits on the screens, and tell your son a firm no to the last minute playdates!!

My 9 year old has enough screen time so if they have a friend around I expect them to do other things. For her it’s make bracelets, draw, mess about with fidgets, talk, play a board game.

simple “no not today Freddie, you need to have dinner & get ready for swimming. Another time.”

I agree with others that some of this is about ground rules.

I have a 9 year old and I wouldn't allow them to sit on screens if they have a friend over. Mine is quite active anyway so it's not a struggle but they play with cars, Lego, Playmobil, Magna tiles, marble run or train track still. Or they play out on the trampoline and with a ball but I'm lucky to have that option.

I would be very firm that if they have a child over to play then they play with them. I would not expect to be doing the entertaining while my child games elsewhere at all and I would be having very firm words with my child about being put in that position tbh.

My 9 year old would completely understand that I need to plan stuff in advance and that they can't ask in front of people. They also don't have an issue with their siblings having friends over.

I like being the house that people come to. My teens know that if they have friends over I will provide food/snacks/drinks etc and will give lifts if I can. I like to overhear the conversation from time to time and get an idea of what's going on and who is who. I try to be easy going and welcoming and tolerant as I'm much happier hosting than not seeing my teens all weekend if they're hosted elsewhere.

So I would renegotiate so that you don't feel this is a situation that you have no say in, explain that you need to plan on advance and there are some Fridays you can't do. Encourage him to invite other people and have some boundaries about what having a friend over should look like. But don't throw the baby out with the bath water and stop hosting altogether.

As the mum doesn’t speak good English, Maybe play dates being shared week about are not a thing in her culture.
Get a few snacks pre prepared. and when they’re done, they are done.
Maybe make a suggestion to the lad that your DS might like a play date at his house.

It’s great your son has a mate he feels comfortable with to have these play dates.

I wouldn't push the reciprocating tbh. If it's not freely offered then I'd be a bit uncomfortable about foisting my child into a situation where he may not be welcome/safe/provided well for.

Move swimming earlier.

You’re modelling behaviour that shows you (a woman) don’t control your time or environment, because he (and his male friends) are more important.

Your son is likely to absorb this and reflect it to other women as he grows up. Just as you absorbed it from your mother.

Why should she need to move swimming just because she can't bring herself to have a conversation with her son/his friend/the other mum? All it needs is telling the person, or all 3, that she won't be able to have the friend round every week

It’s all mad.

Having a child over every single Friday.
Having a child over and then the two friends just sit there.
Thinking nine year olds don’t paint or play Lego. I don’t know if you think they are too grown up for that or too little.
Being unable to say no to your son.
Putting a nine year old first always and giving him the impression that he is in charge of you.
Being concerned that he will feel jealous in the future that his sister has a friend over.
Asking for advice about what to do about all this and then batting every suggestion away.

I wouldn't have them playing video games at their age. They don't even play together!! I let my ds play videogames when he didn't have a friend over- otherwise what's the point of having a PLAYdate @llamashoe ?

I have not batted every suggestion away.

Thanks so much for all your comments. I have plenty to think about now.

I agree with this. I actually love play dates at this age (10/11) as they just get on with it and you don’t need to do anything.

I’d give them some snacks to take up so they’re not asking you, and let them settle disagreements on their own. Tell them only to come down if there’s a fire 😆

Your kid needs friends, and this sounds like a perfectly reasonable “play date” to me. As a teenager, this will carry on too - friends coming round and them gaming, hanging out and eating all the snacks. IMO, it should be nurtured and not stopped.

Leave it. Your child should be able to have over who he wants. Let him sort it. It’s not a play date at his age, it’s kids hanging out. Leave them to it and don’t get involved.