Is a 12 year age gap ok?

[Daisychain1989]

I’m 36 and my potential partner is 48.

We get on really well, he makes me laugh until I cry, he’s a lovely, kind and caring person.
Dresses well, looks after himself, we have the same views and outlooks on life and politics etc.

It’s just the age gap putting me off! I don’t know why.
When I’m 40, he’ll be 52.

It falls within the half your age plus 7 rule so it's ok.

yes you’re fine

Plenty of people have bigger age gaps and it’s no issue.
As a young 52 year old woman I would struggle to find a 64 year old man attractive though, but at 36 I could have found a 48 year old an attractive proposition.

It sounds like you’ll have an amazing time together.

But… do you want kids? I know there will be exceptions, but for most men being older will mean less energy for children.

And if you’re together for the long term, are you OK with the greater possibility that he’ll be very elderly/ needing your care / dead, when you’re still enjoying life?

My DH is ten years older than me...I don't even think it's a particularly big age gap.

It won't make a difference (if it ever does) for some years, but it can become more pronounced as he ages. If that makes sense! So when you're 60 and still fit, active and game for a laugh, he'll be 72. In my experience men don't tend to age as well as women, both mentally and physically.

If it's fine with you that's all that matters surely

If it's putting you off now then it will get worse. It wouldn't bother me particularly if I really liked someone.

You’re both adults so it’s absolutely fine. If you were eg 18 and 30, different story.

It should be OK. If you were under 30 my reply would be different.

The 'rule' made up by twelve year olds giggling in their bedroom over boys. Utter nonsense.

I think for me it would boil down to would you want children? Would he? So given your age and his, my Dh is 50 and the thought of a newborn to him fills him with horror.

If you had children within 2 years he would be 60 when the child started secondary school.

It’s not a big age gap. DH and I have similar one. I adore him and wouldn’t be with anyone else, but you will notice it as the years go by, not in your relationship but in the milestones you hit. Presuming that you’ll work to the national retirement age, when he’s 67 and due to retire you’ll be 55 with 12 years left to work. When you retire at around 68, he’ll be 80. I wouldn’t change out relationship for the world but knowing that we won’t have the retirement years that we’d have if we were a similar age is hard. We can make some adjustments and have a few years together but there’s no way I can retire at 55 when he does.

There’s also the thought of what my mid 70’s will look like. Presuming DH will live to the average age of both parents when they died, he’ll be gone by the time I’m 73 even if he gets a few more years. I know I’m presuming a lot here and that none of us are guaranteed any age but as time goes by the maths start to loom large in future plans particularly as he reaches his 60’s and you hit your 50’s.

This isn’t intended to put you off, this is just what I’ve learned from experience.

My DSis has got a 12/13 year gap with her DH. Nightmare as they’ve got older

Mine is 10 years older and as time goes by , he has less energy than me, I feel now my son is older I want to do more things and have more energy and time , he doesn’t … so I’m not sure , you may have to slow to his pace of life once he gets a certain age.

I’m 36 and my DP is 49. It’s worked well enough for nearly ten years without the age gap being that much of an issue.

Imagine seeking the approval of random people on the internet for your relationship!

I'd be looking to see if he makes a habit of dating younger women with big age gaps.

If he does, I'd find myself wondering why.

But ultimately it's a personal thing.

I think the gap will get a lot bigger the older you get. He will retire 12 years before you and when you finally get to retire he will likely to be to old to travel and you will likely become his carer.

My husband is 14 years older than me and I find him more attractive all the time, despite both of us being objectively less attractive than we were 20 years ago :-)

However, I’m really worried about him dying before me, which is likely. Will we get to spend any retirement together? When I’m 65, he’ll be 79. That plays on my mind a lot.

All depends on the person really , like you say he looks after himself , dresses well , looks well , he’s kind , you two get on very well 🤷🏻‍♀️
I think I’d go for it then if I was in your shoes ☺️

I think it is. The difference between 50 and 62 is very large IMO, as is 60 snd 72.
Some people don't find it so, thats fine for them.
But some do as they age.
Ill health can hit at any time of course.
You feel hesitant, so explore it.

I have seen a lot of 8-15 year gaps and I think the gap widens rather than closes as you age.

My cousin has been in a relationship with a partner for 2 years post divorce on both sides
Shes 34 he's 49. He will be retiring at 55 due to the nature of his job. I think that will be a major issue then, he doesnt plan on working post retirement, right now he has a job she finds impressive, I can imagine he will be under her feet, and as a 33 year old woman myself I already see him as old in his ways

I think Ok given your respective ages.

It’s a personal decision but I probably wouldn’t.

If you want kids then potentially it’s an issue, and looking forward to retirement he will be retiring a LOT sooner than you unless you have sufficient funds to join him so your lives will look very very different.