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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Curfew for live-in nanny?

243 replies

NotableI · 15/09/2025 16:35

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

OP posts:
Imisschampagne · 15/09/2025 18:38

Ophir · 15/09/2025 16:45

B sounds insane.

10 or 11 isn’t late

This.

SpiralSpiritSocks · 15/09/2025 18:38

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 17:58

Unless she is a family member, a friend of the family, or had a prior connection to the employer then she is a stranger.

Show quote history

The parents presumably trust the nanny with their children so it would be a bit disturbing if they didn’t trust her with their house.

Apart from which the nanny is likely some in the house with the children most of the day so what difference does time of day make?

If I was the nanny I’d already be looking for alternative employment, imposing a curfew (of any kind) is so unreasonable from the employer that it would astonish me of it wasn’t only the tip of the iceberg as regards to unreasonable demands and behaviour.

ChampagneLassie · 15/09/2025 18:42

B sounds a bit mental. I once rented a room and my landlady didn’t like me coming back after she went to bed (which varied, naturally) as she was an incredibly light sleeper. She didn’t set a curfew but heavily implied I was taking liberties by being out excessively late/ not a party house. Readers I was home at 11pm ish on a Friday night. No B shouldn’t try to dictate this. If A is distributing children coming in this needs resolving. Is this because A is excessively noisy? Or do children need white noise/ better sleeping? Or is a lie in nanny just not practical for this family?

CAMHShelp · 15/09/2025 18:42

Ridiculous. No grown up is asleep by 11pm anyway. Once you have kids you learn to survive on much less sleep, nanny or not!

Futurehappiness · 15/09/2025 18:43

Shortdaysalready · 15/09/2025 17:58

Unless she is a family member, a friend of the family, or had a prior connection to the employer then she is a stranger.

Show quote history

That's quite right. Whenever I want my children cared for I go outside and find some random stranger on the street to look after them. Hiring a nanny is just like that.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 15/09/2025 18:44

this sounds like the nanny diaries on netflix

great easy watch if anyone is wanting something this eve

enwarall · 15/09/2025 18:44

Neither is being unreasonable, but they are incompatible for living together. A needs to live elsewhere, and B can pay her to sleep over on any nights where she is required into the evening.

Washingupdone · 15/09/2025 18:47

Thechaseison71 · 15/09/2025 16:38

Just ask her to come in quietly. But she's a nanny not a bloody slave. Idvsoon be leavingbygat job with such control freak employers

I agree with Thechaseison71.
It is her free time until she has to be available to look after the children as fresh as a daisy, unless it is stipulated that she has to look after them during the night.
I would advise her to look for another job.

CountFucula · 15/09/2025 18:51

Good lord, poor A. B is a controlling, uptight fruitloop.

Gwenhwyfar · 15/09/2025 18:51

By dinner time! I thought it might be midnight, which I also consider unreasonable because she is allowed to live her life, but dinner time!!

I have to leave the thread now before I get angry at the thought of this.

Ineedanewsofa · 15/09/2025 18:52

I’m a light sleeper and paranoid about break ins so this wouldn’t work for me if I was ‘A’ as I need everyone home before I can sleep (or to know they are out all night) BUT I know that’s a ‘me’ problem and objectively very unreasonable.
If I was B I wouldn’t want my employer dictating my non working hours.
Sounds like they need a different arrangement!

Vivaldi85 · 15/09/2025 18:53

B can pay live out salary and her house remains quite.

jbm16 · 15/09/2025 18:54

Blueberry911 · 15/09/2025 16:36

She shouldn't be waking everyone as she comes home.

Assuming she is a teenager, coming home at 10-11pm is acceptable, she shouldn't be a prisoner.

FunnyOrca · 15/09/2025 19:00

A sounds completely reasonable.

10/11pm is ok, especially when living in someone else’s home. You need a little space.

I would only take issue if A was being disruptive returning at that hour (turning all the lights on, cooking, bringing someone with her etc.)

When I was an au pair, I would move my toothbrush and face wash to the toilet by the front door if I was going out in the evening. Slip in quietly, get ready for bed right by the door, and the slip upstairs without turning any lights on. It seemed to work for the family and me. Again, I was returning 10/11pm. That time also worked well for the family as the eldest’s bedtime was 9pm and it was better I return by 8 or after 10 to keep out that way of that.

tartyflette · 15/09/2025 19:03

The nanny, presumably an adult, can stay out all night if she wants as long as she is back and ready to start her shift in good time the next morning.
Obviously it would be good manners to tell her employers she would be away all night and of course she should be fully ready to start work at whatever time she is needed to in the morning (as does anyone in paid employment.)
Any other expectations are unreasonable unless they have been agreed by both parties as part of an employment contract.

Titasaducksarse · 15/09/2025 19:04

Why do the family need a evening Nanny? Maybe A is 'disturbed ' by B coming home late!!!!!

B is being ridiculous.
11pm is not late.

LakieLady · 15/09/2025 19:05

B is completely unreasonable. If A is waking people up by being noisy when she comes home, that's what needs to be addressed.

And 11pm isn't late, it's only just after last orders.

DameSylvieKrin · 15/09/2025 19:06

If an employer dictates where an employee spends their free time, that is not free time, that is work.
If the nanny comes in making all reasonable attempts to be quiet and despite this someone is woken up, that is the price the employer pays for saving on salary by providing accommodation to another adult in their home.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/09/2025 19:07

NotableI · 15/09/2025 17:51

Almost unanimous then! I will stress again that this isn’t something happening in my life, and was just inspired by a discussion I was having with a friend. I wonder if the responses would be different if the curfew was later but still imposed?

Still as ridiculous and not legally enforceable.

In terms of employment law - not possible as her own time is precisely that.

In terms of accommodation (as though she were a lodger) - not possible as she's an independent adult with agency over her own life.

It's not just policing her sleep and movements, it's policing her sex life to expect to have the right to do this - and it's very close, if not over the line, on coercive control.

MustWeDoThis · 15/09/2025 19:11

NotableI · 15/09/2025 16:35

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

She shouldn't be waking everyone, but at the same time she should not be dictated to. It sounds a bit like harassment and bullying in the work place, but outside of working hours...?

Hoopsof · 15/09/2025 19:12

Poor, poor nanny. Needs a new job. Her employer is clearly bananas (unless A is returning home totally pissed and playing the trumpet).

CeciliaMars · 15/09/2025 19:13

You can’t ask an adult to be home by dinner time in their night off! They just need to come in quietly. If you can’t cope with this, you shouldn’t have a live in nanny.

Wishitsnows · 15/09/2025 19:15

You cannot impose a curfew on an adult employee! A needs to find a new job. I bet they are taking advantage in other ways too.

DuesToTheDirt · 15/09/2025 19:19

The family is unreasonable. She isn't a prisoner. Noise is a separate issue, and she should be minimising the noise when she comes in. If this isn't possible, perhaps the house isn't big enough for them to have a live-in nanny.

MyDeftDuck · 15/09/2025 19:22

I can see both sides of this…….. A is entitled to spend her time off as she wishes but should also be respectful when arriving home late so as to not disturb the rest of the house. B should accept that they cannot set a time by which B should be back home but has a right to expect consideration from A. And A should ensure they are fit to start work at the specified time the following morning.