Curfew for live-in nanny?

[NotableI]

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

@NotableI Please turn voting on as surely 100% must think B is unreasonable?!

Oh God this reminds me of an Airbnb I almost booked, before I saw their "house rule" that you had to get back before 8pm and not cook past that time either because the owner lived below and didn't like the floorboards creaking!

11pm isn't really late, and as long as she's quiet then it's not a problem. The employer sounds like they really want a live out nanny.

This.

B is nuts, and won't keep staff for long if s/he treats them like that.

It's A's home; she lives there. People get to come and go from their homes as they choose. If you can't deal with that, don't have a live-in nanny. (Perhaps B should consider whether they'd like to pay A more so she can live out).

Lots of people who live with their families in "family homes" go out and come home at 11pm. Regularly.

This. A needs to look for another job

We once had a next door neighbour (terraced house) who asked us to be home by 9pm as our door woke her up, apparently. Also batshit, like B in this scenario.

The employer is being unreasonable. Coming home at 10pm or 11pm is not late (though front door should be closed quietly to avoid waking people up). If the employer doesn't like it, they should pay more for a live out nanny.

You can ask her to be quiet when she comes home and expect her to be fit for work the next day. But you can’t impose a curfew.

As long as A isn't banging doors or otherwise making a racket, of course she can stay out on her evenings off. B is completely out of line.

No way can she place a curfew on an adult!
But the nanny should be making an effort to be quiet when she comes home, just as everyone else in the household should.

B is unreasonable and controlling.

Home for tea time, honestly.

If she’s not allowed out past dinner time then it’s not really her night off so perhaps they should pay her for those hours too!

totally unreasonable and sounds like they want the advantages of a live in nanny without the disadvantages

on the nights the nanny babysits what time do the parents roll in?

Is the nanny allowed to have friends round, do the parents ever go out and don't get back till 11pm, have the parents or kids ever been disturbed by the nanny coming home, will the parents have a curfew on their teenagers if they dare stay out late.

Eh? I live in a small flat and DH and I both manage to return at 10/11pm without disturbing each other or our child. Unless A is being ridiculously noisy then B is being completely unreasonable and controlling.

We find returning at 8pm much more disruptive as right in the middle of bedtime.

It is not a prison and A is presumably adult. If I were A, I would tell B where to put her job! She can hopefully find a nice job with a rich family where she has her own rooms and time off without being curfewed.

I wonder if maybe part of the problem is that B doesn’t want to do bedtime!!

That's absolutely bonkers! Coming on MN is a real eye opener to the existence of such people.

B is totally out of line, you can't tell another adult they have to be home by dinner time on their nights off! She can ask her to be more quiet when she's coming back in the house or she can employ a non-live in nanny but i expect she'd have to pay a live out Nanny far too much.......

B is totally unreasonable - no one can expect a young adult to want to sit quietly in her room every night from 6pm. As long as A isn't coming home plastered or being exceptionally loud then 10-11pm is a perfectly reasonable time to be home.

A is responsible for returning quietly, not causing any disturbance and being fit for work during employed hours. I suspect A will also get a job elsewhere before long.

B sounds a very difficult employer. It B wants to dictate A’s behaviour outside of working hours then they need to pay A and effectively employ them during the necessary hours.

I thought you were going to say that she was coming in at 3am and was non functional the next day. 10pm is fine!

It sounds like these parents would be better suited to a "live out" nanny arrangement.
10 /11 is fine. She isn't a slave.

Unless A is being particularly noisy then I don’t A is being unreasonable. Also, B should have made it clear before employing A if she didn’t want A coming back late.

The employer is TOTALLY out of order.

As long as the nanny arrives home quietly and gets up on time for duty, there isn’t an issue.

B is being very, very unreasonable. They do not own A and A is entitled to have a life outside of work. A is also presumably an adult and allowed out after dark 🙄.

Sounds like B would be better off with a live out nanny and we can look forward to the thread about the unreasonable expectations that come with that situation.