Curfew for live-in nanny?

[NotableI]

A is a live in nanny, she works several evenings for the family but also has several nights off a week. On her nights off, she often goes out to dinner or to the pub with friends, and might not get back home til 10 or 11pm.

B is A’s employer. She finds A arriving back late inappropriate and disruptive given there are small children in the house, as it risks waking them up, and disturbs the parents who have to get up early. She’s asked A to ensure she’s home by dinner time.

In A’s view, her nights off should hers to do with as she pleases, as they are her only opportunities to see her friends, and she shouldn’t be held to a curfew when she’s not working, or being paid by B.

In B’s view, A is treating the house like a young adult house share and not adjusting in line with living in a family home. She still has the right to set rules about living in her home, even if they’re not within the scope of the job.

Who IBU?

(I am neither A nor B and this isn’t something that’s happening in my own life, but inspired by a recent discussion)

How often is A waking people up?

We've got one that demanded we be home and in bed by half 8/9 (I'm often at work until 10,but she declared i had to sleep elsewhere if that happened) and we couldn't leave the house until 8am as us getting into our car woke her up (she doesn't work and doesn't go to bed until 5/5:30am,we often leave at half 6 and are as quiet as church mouses)

We where not to park outside our house,use our garden for any reason and hanging our washing out resulted in her screaming at us on our doorstep (she claims her boyfriend is her brother and my granny pants turned him on)

We couldn't stop laughing at her,she took offence and she's not spoken to us since!

B is reasonable-the poor nanny deserves a life too outside of working hours

B is entirely unreasonable to try to dictate what A does during her free time and to impose a curfew. That could also create a scenario where A cannot have proper down time away from the kids and her job. A also isn't doing anything the other adults in the house may do from time to time. At the same time A should be coming in as quietly as possible.

Also, this.

A is an adult so no curfew is reasonable when she is not on duty. The important thing is her behaviour and the impact on the children.

11pm is a perfectly reasonable time for anyone to be out until, but I would go further and say she could stay out until 2am or whenever so long as she came in quietly and was ready for work in the morning.

Conversely, if she came home pissed at 5pm that would be totally unacceptable irrespective of the time of day.

🤣🤣🤣 home by dinner time. Very controlling. I would be looking for a new job if l was the nanny

Are you A or B op?

Presumably A lives in for the convenience of her employers so it's pretty controlling to tell her what she's allowed to do in her time off.

B is being completely unreasonable. 11pm is not crazy late and as long as As not singing the street down its none of Bs business.

B should seriously rein it in or lose the nanny she's not their gate keeper and I'm guessing she needs the childcare.

There was much more crazy stuff she said/did but it would take me hours to write out 😁

B sounds unhinged. Completely and utterly unhinged.

If I was A I'd be running from this role.

When I was a live in nanny I’d never of accepted that. However I’d always try to be quiet if I came in late.

they can’t tell her when she comes home but they can absolutely ask her to be respectful and mindful.

As long as she comes in quietly, ie not waking people up, the nanny should be able to come and go as she pleases during time off. To expect her to be home at dinner time is treating her like a child and she isn't. If the employer carries on like that she will soon lose the nanny.

As long as A is keeping noise toa minimum it's none of B's business when A comes home on the night off.

B is being unreasonable. As long as A is coming home at 10/11 rather than after midnight, and isn’t making a lot of noise when she comes back, what she does and where she goes in her free time is none of B's business.

Young adults living in a "family home" would also be free to come and go as they wished, within reason, in 99% of families. They would soon move out if parents tried to place restrictions like "no going out with friends in the evenings".

A curfew for a grown adult, enforced in her own time? Good luck with finding a nanny who'll agree to that. But I suppose you could put an ad in Slaves Weekly...

"be home by dinner time"?
That can't be real. Absolutely nuts.

B is being unreasonable. B isn't even getting home that late on her nights off. Obviously she should not be crashing around the house, but if she is just coming in, going about a normal evening/bedtime routine quietly, then B sounds to have unreasonable expectations.

Surly if you have a live in nanny, you either need to have an annex you can put them in or accept you will have another adult moving around the house in the evening/early night?

This.

What would B have A do on their evenings off? Stay in their room? Would going to the movies and coming in at 9:55pm be ok?

B needs to 1. Get a grip or 2. Employ a daily, live out of the home Nanny.

B needs to realise that A is her employee, not her slave. Is that even a question? are you B, OP?

B is wildly unreasonable and I have to wonder if this is the only area in which they act extremely controlling.

A can do better... someone tell A it doesn't have to be like this!

Well I don't.

My feeling is it's B's house. She is the one paying the wages.
She has every right to stipulate what time she considers a reasonable one for the nanny to come home.
But
This should have all have been made clear when the job was offered. So that if A didn't like the working conditions she should have refused the job.
A and B don't sound as though they are compatible for this live in employer/ employee relationship.

This.
The nanny is entitled to do what she wants on her time off and 11pm isn't late.
B seems to have a distorted sense of entitlement

With a live in nanny they have set hours and the rest of their time is theirs. They get less pay because they have the perk of free accommodation.

if B wants A to be in the house at certain times she needs to pay her for those hours

i I suspect B wants the free help with the kids tbh