To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

If other children are so sensitive to witnessing such ‘violence’, how did they cope with siblings/friends/nursery and a child having a tantrum?
because I’m sure I’ve seen quite a few toddlers having tantrums g like this, kicking, punching, rolling in the floor, screaming.

And i get what you’re saying re adults not knowing what to do. Which is tge OP’s reaction was the most important thing. That child wasn’t there in their own. They weren’t even involved. So the OP, the mother, being very matter kf fact, confident, knowing what needed to be done (which was just ‘oh someone is having a hard time. Let’s give them some space. He’ll calm down’) was plenty.

Honestly, some stuff IS traumatic. And Chikdren are being traumatised by stuff that might look like nothing to adults.
But as someone who has childhood trauma and c-PTSD, it’s essential to not make a mountain out of a molehill about what will just look like a tantrum. Just a tantrum. (Even if it’s not, it’s a meltdown etc…. Btw)

If the dd was then having to deal with said tantrum in class, eg as the child is sat next to her etc…then it would be a different matter.

I sympathise. A little child (aged 4) in my child’s class is regularly physically and verbally lashing out at his parents at drop off, and one morning slapped the teacher in the face. Even the teacher was discomposed for a few moments. I have known the child since birth and know how often the parents speak to their child / read stories about empathy, kindness, techniques for coping with big emotions / set consequences etc. But it’s still very disconcerting to see this behaviour when the child doesn’t seem to have any SEN issues, but is emotionally disregulated and frequently aggressive and laughs when told off. Don’t say anything to school but do practice with your daughter speaking up.

My point is parents of children with SEN will often ask for more understanding and empathy. I believe this should go both ways.

And no, it doesn't matter to the other children at all if the child has SEN or not. Because the outcome is always the same isn't it? If I witness violence on the street, and I'm traumatised as a result of it, it's absolutely no consolation to learn that the man being violent has a mental health issue. It makes no difference to the trauma I'm experiencing.

I would bet anything that child has some sort of SEN. My son would lash out like that at us but not other children. Speak to the teacher privately if you are concerned. School will have to inform you if any incidents occur involving your child.

This child will not do this to your daughter.
he was extremely dysregulated and melting down for his parents. You would be wildly inappropriate to mention this to the teacher.

You think that witnessing a random kid in your class having a meltdown is at all similar to seeing domestic violence? Ffs. How fucking offensive. And do you think that if a child witnessed their 6 year old sibling kicking their dads shin and telling their mum to shut up, it would be classed as domestic abuse and something that anyone would give a shit about? Of course they wouldn’t. People on this thread are ludicrous.

Why do you keep comparing children with adults?

It doesn't go both ways though, does it? This thread shows that. Some people are telling OP to tell her child to stay away from him, not invite him for playdates etc after seeing 1 snap shot outside school.

Um you reckon a kid having a meltdown/tantrum would give someone trauma? What planet do you live on? Why on earth would it?

Because it would be making something that has nothing to do with you about you. And the parents & the teacher have enough to deal with without someone saying in case this ever impacts my lovely child…

I hope your DD is fine and I’m sorry it scared you. Just for another perspective…

My SEN child never hit me but he did run away, cry, shout and sit on the floor. It was hard and upsetting to see him so totally overwhelmed. Mainstream was completely unsuitable for him and we were doing everything we could to get him moved with the school‘s fulls support. But I’m incredibly and forever thankful for the parents in his class who were only ever kind and thoughtful. Did it impact their children? Probably. Having a child who runs and hides almost certainly will take attention from the rest of the class. But they understood without ever demanding explanation that I was just a fellow mum who needed a friendly smile after what was clearly a difficult day. I wish I could nominate them for some sort of friendly neighbour award because they were kind and never gossiped or looked away. Nor did they press me for every detail. They simply kept smiling and kept inviting him to parties. Genuine angels.

Sounds more like a very frightened child.
Although I did see an older DC having a very scary breakdown in school, two assistants were trying to keep him safe, from himself and others, shielding him, it reminded me of a scene from a psychiatric hospital, the DC was losing his mind.
The lack of special educational need schools often leave mainstream schools up shit creek.

Because we often expect children to put up with stuff that as adults we never would. Why should they? Children should expect to be safe and free from violence the same as adults. That's why I'm comparing situations.

Regarding some people telling OP to keep her child away - OP has come here for advice. She's getting it. We may not all agree with some of the advice and that's ok. We don't all have to agree. Some parents would choose to keep their child away from this boy as much as possible. That's perfectly fine. That's their right as a parent.

And that's my point about some parents of children with SN not understanding or respecting other parents wishes. If you have a child with SN you have to do what's best for them, of course. But surely you must understand that other parents will want to do what they believe is best for their child as well?

Quite simply you sound poorly educated and ignorant on children. Or maybe you’re on the wind up. Either way you a
re the one who concerns me not a little boy who is struggling

If OPs dd is quiet and timid, then yes it could be quite upsetting witnessing this. Especially if the adults present didn't seem to be in control of the situation.

What nonsense. What adult demands to be shielded from all violence? So if you see a fight in a pub, do you sue someone for the trauma you’ve suffered seeing it?
Kids fight all the time in school and nursery. Always have done. To make out it causes trauma for other kids to witness it is totally nuts.
What neither adults nor kids are expected to put up with is being assaulted but there is absolutely nothing to suggest that this boy will attack anyone in his class. If you saw my toddler hit me in the face would you say it’s too dangerous for her to be in nursery and that the kids in her nursery might get PTSD from seeing her hit me? Because I’d laugh if you did.

Well hopefully she’ll get over it

If I saw your toddler hitting you in the face, I would feel incredibly sorry for you and wonder where you'd gone wrong.

People on this thread who are talking about tantrums are way off. A toddler having a tantrum is one thing, a 6 Yr old boy physically attacking his parents is quite another.

Anyway regardless of what anyone else thinks OP is concerned about her child. And that is what she has come here to post about.

😂 okay love

My reference to adults expecting to not witness violence was in relation to the work environment. Adults should absolutely be shielded from violence in the workplace.

If I saw your toddler hitting you in the face, I would feel incredibly sorry for you and wonder where you'd gone wrong.

People on this thread who are talking about tantrums are way off. A toddler having a tantrum is one thing, a 6 Yr old boy physically attacking his parents is quite another.

Anyway regardless of what anyone else thinks OP is concerned about her child. And that is what she has come here to post about.

Depends where you work doesn’t it. Not everyone works in a nice cosy little office. People who work in bars, pubs, hospitals, on public transport, in prisons and as part of emergency services absolutely can’t demand to never see violence can they?

Children are still learning, all children. Adults aren't.

Again though, why are parents of children with SEN expected to understand but not to have the same in return?

Well the difference here is that it's the child with SEN that is having a negative effect on others. That's the difference isn't it. If your child's behaviour is negativity effecting others, then yes I think you should absolutely show some empathy to those effected.

You're not an intelligent woman are you?
You've completely missed the point of this thread, and gone rogue.
I won't be engaging with you as your level of understanding is beneath me.

So it doesn't work both ways then? That's what I thought.

Isolating SEN children and their parents can and does have negative effects too.

Did he also empty his lunchbox item by item & throw it at people? No? My DS1 (now 27) was like this. He is autistic & unable to express how he was feeling in a more rational & “normal” way. I can assure you he never once hit or was mean to another child. It was mainly reserved for me, but occasionally a teacher - but only ever his favourite teacher. That’s generally how it works.

For reference, I have two younger DC who are largely NT & were model pupils at school - just for anyone who’d like to say it’s down to parenting.

Not sure why you would think you need a handhold. Being scared of a 5 year old who carries no threat to your daughter or yourself is laughable. Try walking a day in the parents’ shoes.