To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

I’ve been a teacher for two decades and have a SEND child. What you’re saying just isn’t true. Most SEND children stay in mainstream school.

My house is just up the road from a primary school and dozens and dozens and dozens of small children walk past everyday.

Oh, the screaming, shouting, wailing in the morning. The sobbing in the afternoon that they're too tired to walk home.

The school is rated outstanding by OFSTED.

I walk my dog past some playtimes and, oh my word, the children are having an absolute blast! Sometimes they play music in the playground (think Elvis!). They're always happy, a lot wave at me when I go past. Not often, only once every other week or three.

Makes me chuckle every day because my DC wailed and howled and writhed about like rabid dogs on the way to nursery to about year 2. All perfectly normal. They got worse the closer we got.

You're overthinking @Editormedi All normal.

I bet he calmed down and was perfectly well behaved. Maybe he has separation anxiety. Who knows. I’m sure your dad would tell you if he’s naughty in class, my DDs used to sing like canaries about their class, all that went on.

@EditormediI was in a similar situation where a high needs SEN child was being physically violent towards my kid at nursery. Although I sympathised with the other child and his parents, my place was to advocate for mine. I made this clear with all concerned.

in your situation I would gently enquire with my kid how this kid is with other kids. If this kid did have a tendency to lash out to other kids, and if they had lashed out at my kid, I would most definitely be acting on it and talking with teachers.

Although you saw a snapshot, I would be very surprised if this behaviour didn’t spill over at school so it is something I would closely monitor.

There are obviously ongoing issues that the school are aware of. I wouldn't say anything to the school unless your daughter is upset or there has been an incident affecting her. There are children like this in most schools.

There's every chance that this child has ASD and is really struggling with the transition from home to school and the separation from parents. It may be why both parents are there. If it is an autistic meltdown then there will be absolutely nothing they can do while it is happening.

We had a child like this in DS's class, he was quiet as anything in the classroom but found the transition into school extremely hard. He didn't attend any parties either.

It kind of is her business though if it is happening through the school day not just with parents. I think that was what OP meant - to talk to the teacher to get an idea what’s going on and some comfort as to what support isvin place - both for the little boy and also for his classmates who may (possibly) be having their classes disrupted. If she doesn’tvask, she won’t know. From that point of view it is very much her business imho

This^
My youngest has ADHD and absolutely hated school. I was attacked by him verbally and physically on a daily basis. Only me, never DH or anyone else. I was his “safe person”, he knows I love him no matter what.
He’s 18 now and an absolute dream.

My kid was like that at times when they were younger. I was mortified too. My ex and I were going through a stressful time (separation) and it came out on their behaviour. Most parents ware sympathetic and supportive but a few parents kept their kids at a distance. The problem faded as they went on through primary school and thankfully they have turned out lovely. I'm greatful for the parents who stuck by us. I don't know what the situation is in your case but I thought I would share for information

But school is not just about children learning academic subjects. It also socialises children and non-SEND children have social and emotional benefits from being schooled with SEND children. They learn empathy and patience and realistically as adults they need to know how to respond to and communicate with people of varying levels of ability.

Tell her to keep away from him. Simple. He has parents/teachers/whoever else to deal with him. His issues are nothing to do with your young gentle daughter so don’t feel bad about telling her to keep her distance.

For goodness sake. You have no idea how lucky you are.

What support is in place for the boy is none of OP's business and the teacher wouldn't discuss that with another child's parent. If she says anything to the teacher, which I wouldn't after 1 incident outside of school, it needs to be about her child, not the other child.

As a mum of two children with additional needs and a one to one for SEN kids, YBUR, big time. Please learn empathy and how to mind your own business before you get a reputation for being a busy body!

Yeah, it’s crap. School is such a weird time. Then you leave and are finally in an environment where people can’t just punch each other, scream, chuck chairs etc without serious fucking consequences.

Please don’t try to make this your business, it is not and you sound very judgmental. I’m sure you are very fortunate to have never experienced a challenging, highly likely, very stressful situation with an anxious child.

A 6 year old & his own parents. I wouldnt assume that extended to other kids.

Id wait until there was an incident involving another child.

It is unlikely that he'll lash out in school, he'll probably settle down soon. I understand that it is frightening to witness.
I have been this parent, it's very isolating.

Why would you make that assumption? A child capable of violence and anger could potentially direct that at anybody. Plenty of children are violent bullies at school.

There was a boy like this in my DSs nursery - it's very sad for the child, and hard for the parents, when a child's disability manifests as agression, but it is scary for other kids, and nursery and school should be safe places. Kids with issues with emotional regulation need more support than they get in mainstream schools.

I think you need to be alert to this boy, don't have playdates, complain if your DD is put sitting beside him, nice quiet girls can put paired up with boys like this, and it's very unfair on the girls.

Honestly it reminds me of a young boy at school who had behaved similarly and ended up throwing a metal chair at me and my friend, which I dodged and my friend ended up with a burst eye. They gave him medication at lunchtime after that. I guess nowadays it is SEN treatment

My son does shit like this but wouldn't with other kids. He's autistic and has a 1:1 so often away from the classroom

I think a lot of people have been quite unreasonable towards the OP.

Imagine as an adult going to work everyday and a colleague kicking off - punching, hitting, kicking, swearing and needing to be restrained.
It would be awful. Especially for people who experience anxiety and/or those who have been on the receiving end of violence themselves in the past.

I imagine it can be quite terrifying for some children to witness what the OP witnessed. Especially as the adults there who are supposed to be "in charge" seemed unable to manage his behaviour effectively. Children generally tend to feel things are out of control and scary if the adults present don't seem to know what to do in these situations.

What may or may not be wrong the child doesn't actually matter at all. The outcome is always the same.

I think some parents of children with special needs are so caught up in it that they forget there are other children (and parents) in the school as well and they could maybe show some empathy towards those children & their parents.

This thread might have helped some of those parents to consider other children's needs alongside their own.

It just shows how little people understand regarding AuDHD (and of course the separate diagnoses).

That child who appears naughty or defiant, violent or uncaring is so so very much more than how they appear in a high stress moment or when they are masking.

I come from a family of which many are diagnosed, adults included. My son is unlike anyone of them. I thought I knew autism. I do not.

I don't wish for my son to be anything other than who he is. The change I do wish for is just an ounce of understanding.
It's out there, I have had people approach me asking if I need any help, a woman once brought me a Costa gift card and slipped it into my bag without saying a word.
Unfortunately the negativity is what stays with you the longest. People don't understand just how much we are struggling without them adding to it. I wish they were just that bit more aware 🤍

I wish you all the best for you and your son x

So parents who have children with SEN need to show some empathy but it doesn't work both ways because actually, who cares if the boy has SEN or not?