To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

honestly, leave it well alone!! its none of your business unless your child is affected. The child might behave in a compliant way at school and not be able to stop themselves outside of the formal setting where there are different dynamics etc. If there are behaviour problems in school, they'll obviously have to safeguard the child and classmates.

My child was screechy, highly emotional, rude to us, physical (kicked and bites on arm) when on the school run and at entrances. It was awful until they were about 10 years old when they managed their emotions better and had more problem solving ability. Very compliant and a good all- rounder at school!!!

Home ed?

I say this as someone with no reason to be offended, DD has never had a before school meltdown, but your attitude is shocking op and you live in a complete bubble if you've never seen this before. It has no bearing on how he behaves at school or how nice he is

I could be the mum of this child.
Or rather I am a mum of a child who behaves like this. He has AuDHD.
He beats us up and leaves us battered and bruised (bitten and bleeding even). He has never touched another child though.

That's not to say he wouldn't under certain circumstances obviously. Given our experience, it's unfair to jump the gun on what's literally a drop off which is a trigger for some children.

Reading this really upsets me, because it just shows that all the fears I have for others opinions of my beautiful loving child, who can't fall asleep without being snuggled up close to me, who cries because he worries he won't be loved because of his behaviour, are real.

Poor boy and poor parents. Everyone stood staring is awful too.

Yes parents of SEN children would love the right support for their kids, but there are not enough resources or training in mainstream or specialist schools to do it! The answer is not to kick them out - what else are they expected to do with additional needs - they need more support, not less. They have a right to education too. You should be ashamed of yourself.

He’s like that with his parents because that’s a safe place to to do it/ safe people.
Stop being so judgemental. Perhaps he has sen, perhaps he was told sole
devastating news. It’s None of your business until it impacts your own child.
Hope your princess never has any issues
eh.

The teacher can handle it and will escalate if needed.

‘Them’? Jfc.

The fact the OP shouldn’t do anything about this aside, I think we’re heading into dangerous territory when anything we consider to be wrong/out of the ordinary/what we wouldn’t see in our own children as “they must have SEN/be neurodiverse.”

In fact it’s got to the point now where I think we can probably assume that everyone is neurodiverse and that neurotypical doesn’t actually exist. Not because Autism/ADHD/other disabilities aren’t real, they are, but because everyone is unique, and everyone exhibits their own behaviours.

Of course we know that some children with SEN exhibit difficult behaviours. But it’s also a fact that not every 4/5 year old who has a tantrum has a disability or needs a diagnosis.

If this is a reception age child he might only have turned four two weeks ago. In which case he is absolutely at the point of having tantrums, especially if e.g. the parents haven’t stopped them in the past/he’s learned that they get him what he wants/he’s tired. At four he’s just a baby, and already people who didn’t see the child and didn’t witness the meltdown have seen fit to slap a diagnosis on him.

My DC had children in their class who behaved like this and who did have SEN, and children who behaved the same way and didn’t.

But now we’re presumably bringing up children to believe that certain behaviours must mean they’re autistic/ADHD or something else.

It wasn’t that long ago that we were telling kids that “only a girl would do that/only a whimp would behave like that,” and now we’ve swapped that to make children believe that they wouldn’t be acting in x/y way if they didn’t have a disability?

Are we back to the point of calling someone the equivalent of the r word as was then because they don’t behave how we think they should?

I would've thought so too. 6 is so young, I couldn't imagine thinking anything else.

How do we ensure it though? There aren’t enough places for SEND children to attend specialist settings. No one is marching in London demanding education reform. Nothing is going to change and children will just keep coming to school kicking, swearing, biting, fighting and there’s not a damn thing the teacher can do. They come back from the Headteachers office with a sticker for being honest and calming down after they’ve kicked the teacher and assaulted other children. I’m so disallusioned with it that I can’t even write a proper response. I’m sick of saying it, parents need to support teachers and demand reform.

It's completely understandable to feel unsettled by the behaviour and protective over your child as well as to have empathy for the boy and their parents. Both can exist at the same time.

For me, it would be an act if and when situation. If something happens in the future then respond to the incident rather than acting from a concern.
Personally this is usually linked to my anxiety and past experiences so my mind overreacts to a perceived threat and erronously sees something as a problem that I must take action on. It's ok to stay aware of a potential threat without taking immediate, relatively impulsive, action. Usually if I'm not sure about what to do I take some time and don't do anything until I feel clear on how to proceed.

Totally. I had to carry Dd in screaming and thrashing once. She wasn’t “naughty” , was just freaking out in a new school. She was never badly behaved in class, never disruptive.

There is a process. Often chn that have severe SEND start mainstream and are leaving by year 2. We all know that’s what will happen but certain things need to be in place and you need parent agreement.

You’re being completely unreasonable OP. You have no idea of this little boy’s needs. He could have ASC, other SEN or just be really overwhelmed. Stop being so judgemental

Yep

I can see you are getting a bit of a roasting on here, it's been a long time since I dropped mine off at school but I too would be worried although probably would not speak to the teachers. Maybe the best thing you can do is have a chat with your daughter about anything which may make her feel uneasy she must speak up about. You don't even have to mention this kid, just pick a moment when she is happy to have a chat about this and that and try to make it very matter of fact. Let her know she always has the right to feel safe but do it in language she understands and not in a way that would scare her. Oh and I don't want to sound patronising as it isn't meant that way as you have probably had the whole stranger danger talk with her. This just might be a good opportunity to expand on that. Not sure if I have expressed that very well but I hope I am making sense.

This is a joke, right?

Five years ago you may have seen my son behaving like this towards me. He has ASD and has always hated school, I’m his safe space and took the brunt of his meltdowns. Now he’s older we’ve learnt better ways to manage stress so he isn’t violent or rough but as a little one he certainly left me bruised.

In 7 years of school he has never once been in trouble. He hasn’t been unkind to a classmate never mind lashing out. He is perfectly behaved and academically successful.

You cannot judge a child based on a five minute snapshot of their life. This post has made me really sad if I’m honest, to think someone would write of a child based on a tantrum.

If the boy is mean to your daughter or tries to hurt her then by all means ask for distance between them but not based on this.

The answer is to properly fund specialist SEN provision.

Kicking out SEN kids in no sort of solution... but it is better than destroying the safety and education of the masses.

Education is everything - it is too important to risk 29 kids education in the name of "inclusivity" for one kid who should not be there because it it not the right place for him

I understand this would be very concerning for you as a parent. It can also be quite distressing for other children who witness this.

When my dd was at playschool she told me when I was tucking her in one night about a boy being restrained by staff.
She obviously didn't say he had been restrained but I gathered from what she said that this is what happened. She seemed quite worried and confused by it.
The following day I popped into the playschool & told the staff that if a child was restrained infront of my dd then I expected them to tell me. They agreed.
I think all you can do is check in with your dd regularly and if she has any reason to be worried make sure you address it with staff asap.

OR they will have learnt to regulate their emotions - whatever the cause of them is - and will be happy, healthy teenagers, who avoid snobby people like you.

That is simply not necessarily tue is it, if it was no kid would ever be so much as punched at school let alone worse.

I am going to stop posting on this thread soon, but this post is one of many that truly sickens me.

This is not about the other kid. The other kid has parents looking out for him, and the school, and hopefully a local authority that will ensure he get's properly supported in a specialist school that can cater better for his needs.

OPs priority is her kid's mental well-being, physical safety, and ability to get an education, and OP has ever reason to be concerned that this kid might impact on all three (and as at least one teacher has confirmed on this thread, teachers cannot keep all kids safe).