To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

If there was an issue affecting your Dd surely she’d have told you by now? Every class will have a kid who acts like this at some point or potentially acts like this regularly. There was a kid like this in my class 40 years ago.

kids usually lash out at their parents and they behave different towards others. My DD shouts and screams at us during bed time and yet she is so so so shy at school and doesn't even say hi to her friend when she is with her parents

I’ve not read the rest of the thread.

School will be aware, so no need to talk to the teacher. They’ll be safeguarding all of the children and are good at their jobs, so in the nicest way, trust them.

We cannot protect our kids all the time, as hard as that is to accept. What we can do is teach them how to handle tough situations, and this is a teachable moment. Did your daughter witness this boy’s distress? If so, I’d chat to her about emotions and ask her what she thought the boy was feeling and how it made her feel. I’d then tell her the importance of not judging him for his feelings, and that there might be stuff going on with him that we a) don’t know and b) isn’t our business. I’d also say to her that if she ever does feel frightened by someone else’s behaviour, then she should speak to an adult about her feelings and they can help her work out how to handle it.

You don’t need to (and more importantly, cannot) separate her from this boy, you need to teach her kindness, empathy but also how to protect herself if she needs to.

It's upsetting to read how judgemental and lacking in empathy some fellow parents are. Explains a lot though.

My DC2 is such a sweet, caring, funny child who loves reading and drawing and animals, but struggles a bit with emotional regulation (can get stressed easily) and social norms eg always remembering to say hello and thank you etc. Lots of parents decide their DC shouldn't be friends with mine as a result.

Be grateful that it isn't your child behaving like this and have a quiet smug moment. Please don't embarrass yourself by going into school.

What do you suggest? He sits outside & learns on the playground? Give over - you saw a few seconds snapshot. Keep out of it none of it was even aimed at your DD yet your trying to make it all about yourself.

You suggest making a written complaint because a small child was having a meltdown in your field of vision? Not hurting you, not hurting your kid, just having a difficult moment and you want to start paper trails for ofsted?! I’m sorry your child was hurt but you are massively projecting onto OP.

My own DC used to behave like that in the early years of their school career. Never injured another child, grew out of it over time and by the end of school was the child used as a mentor for younger children going through the same things. I’d have been incandescent if someone whose sole involvement or knowledge was once witnessing my DC being upset in the playground tried to dictate to school that their DC needed “protecting” from mine.

Yabu
I have sen children and my sons best friend is sen.
The getting into school in the morning, change from home to school can set off a fight or flight reflex in some sen kids. Imagine if you were being carted off away from your home and family and bundled into an unmarked van by huge giant security guards in a crowd of your peers and your family were facilitiaing this and it was cimpletely against your controla dn noone was listening yo you or helping you.
This is pretty much what it feels like to them going into school.
A lot of schools will enforce that the kids still need to get there in the morning And that they will be forced in no matter what.
This is likely what is happening here.

It’s the teacher’s job to keep all the children in her class safe, not just your dd. Why should she prioritise keeping your child away from this boy over any of the others?

say something to the teacher? do you think a prmary school teacher isn't totally aware when one of the children in their class is prone to meltdowns ?

My daughter is autistic and I've had to carry her into school a couple of times - literally the worst experience of my life - shameful, stressful hideous.

I have friends with sen kids who hit/kick/ bite going into school - believe me, your feelings about your child are bottom of the priority list for the school.

They will be worrying about how to keep that boy safe, and what to do if he can't be around other children.

What on earth would you say to the teacher that would be useful?

What do you mean handhold accepted?

It’s not nice to think that your DD will come across those who aren’t happy and may be bullies or violent. But as PPs said, you saw a small snapshot. Just be aware and ask her how her day was, and flag any issues. You can’t put her in a bubble. You can teach her what to do if someone is horrible to her - tell someone, remove herself from the situation etc.

YABU

The teacher will already know that there is an issue. You won't have anything helpful to add to the situation.

We have a fucked up school system op - but the child who suffers is absolutely not yours. It's that little boy who is overwhelmed, stressed and absolutely panicking at being taken into an inappropriate environment.

He will hopefully - if his issues continue - get a place in a specialist school OR proper support - so he can be in the right environment and won't be so scared.

In the incredibly unlikely event this boy was to have a violent meltdown targeted at your dd, do you think the teacher would just stand and watch and wait for him to tire himself out?

Of course not. I’m sure he, or any other child, who demonstrated aggressive behaviour against a classmate would be immediately separated from them until they calmed down.

Make a mental note of it and avoid any contact with the boy or his family. You could also tell the class teacher what you saw and say it is of concern. Beyond that, there is little you can do. However, if your DD is at the receiving end of any of this boy's temper, come down hard on the school. Keep a note of when you advise the teacher and of this and any other incidences you see concerning this boy which are worrying.

@MrsDoubtfire1 what a vile thing to say.

I know children who have had meltdowns like that at the school gate - this is not about 'temper' - he may be autistic having a school meltdown. Some of my incredibly lovely friends have to deal with the sort of horrible judgement like this - why on earth would you keep away from a family just because their child has additional needs?

And it might surprise you to know that some of the children who you see having meltdowns at school are very ery different out of school - where they are not frightened and panicking.

Dear OP,

Please ignore this poster. Your priority is keeping your daughter safe, happy and educated, not to ensure that you daughter is taught to go out of her way to make a boy happy who may present a danger to her.

In that case it would appear they should not be in school. If everyone is happier when they are not in school then perhaps they should not be at school.

Mainstream education should be about teaching the majority as much and as well as possible, in a safe environment, IMHO.

We need to ensure that kids who need masses of specialist care get it.

I taught a little boy one year who kicked, screamed and fought, both his parents and myself, at the school door for weeks. It was hard going for all of us but once inside the classroom, he settled quickly and within a couple of months he was fine. It seemed to be extreme separation anxiety. He was just overwhelmed and scared.

This is an awful post. My child is like this because he has SEN and can become overwhelmed by the environment. I hope he isn’t going to fullfil this persons expectation that he will become a knife wielding hooligan and he is instead supported so he can reach his potential.

Why would you avoid the family?? You can't autism or ADHD you know.

OP, you’re ridiculous.

*Catch.

There’s nothing you can do. I’m a teacher, you can tell the teacher but their hands are tied. The government want the majority of SEN kids (most likely applies) in mainstream. Also, no one. believes teachers when we say how hard it is, they only care when it affects their own child. So now we have a situation where kids are disrupting other kids’ learning and and telling teachers to fuck off when they try to intervene. That includes ones that are just raised very poorly and aren’t SEN. If nothing happens then this will get worse and worse. The teacher will tell you they’ll keep an eye out and they will try their best but there’s almost nothing the teacher can do about this.

I cba to proof read this and I know it’s depressing but believe me it’s a depressing situation.

My boy has lost it with me at similar age, never his friends though. I was mortified, he was horribly overtired and I'd changed plans on him, and he overreacted. He's never lashed out on a classmate or teacher though. He was pushing my unconditional love to the limited, and is much better at controlling his emotions these days.