AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

[Dontasksillyquestions]

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

My husband is a good guy - he’s respectful, spends time with us, helps with cleaning, is great with the kids, and provides for the family. But when it comes to the mental load, it's mostly on me. I handle the kids' appointments, school stuff, making sure they have clean clothes, and I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry.

He’s not great at DIY and needs constant reminding to do anything. If something breaks, I fix it or it stays broken. I also deal with all the tradesmen and house stuff. He handles the car and the dog.

On paper he’s a good partner, but lately, I’ve been thinking life would be simpler without him - smaller house, no dog, fewer chores. It’s so frustrating having to constantly remind him to do things. I don’t want to be his manager; he should just get things done. And when he complains about how tough life is and how we never get time to ourselves, it really gets to me. He doesn’t have as much time for his hobby as he used to, but I don’t have any time for myself at all. I always prioritise his free time and well-being because he complains.

If our marriage ended for any reason (just to be clear, I’m not thinking of separating, it’s all hypothetical), I wouldn’t be with another man. At this point, even the “good” ones seem pretty useless. My friends’ husbands are the same - generally nice, helpful guys, but still not really 50/50 partners. Then there are the absolutely vile men you read about on here - the cocklodgers, gaslighters and cheaters.

AIBU to think that they’re all a bit shit actually? 😄

You are possibly the least U person is the history of AIBU.

DH is very similar fwiw. He’s brilliant at ironing and does it all, which makes everyone go “ooooh” and congratulate me. 🙄 However, he’s shit at DIY, cannot serve a hot meal because of fannying too much, deals with bedtime so infrequently that DS kicks off, and was awarded “Man of the Year” (ironic title) by my former firm after dropping DS off at the wrong school and then driving 100 miles for work with his phone switched off.

The problem is that the bar for men is so low, it’s practically subterranean.

I am beginning to think more and more that it's partly generational. Lots of people I know are now in relationships with men who are averagely 45-55 years old, and these slightly stereotypical gender roles still seam to play out to a certain extent, and be accepted albeit sometimes begrudgingly.

However I also have close relationships with lots of family and friends children, a lot of which are early/mid twenties, and I see a stark shift in the general attitude of responsibilities and roles within it. I think a lot has to do with a requirement for much more equal financial input, so nobody is necessarily at home, or working harder than the other etc.

This is obviously only my limited cohort experience but shared division of household jobs, shopping, cooking and childcare does seam proportionately more equal without any real definitive effort or agreement on their part.

Conversely we have no small kids, I have the 'bigger' job and as such do less in the home comparably, purely through less actual time per week.

I’m the shit one in my marriage. I’m autistic and have difficulties with executive functioning. My DH does more than 50% of cleaning/childcare/mental load.

My YAB (a bit) U. DH is not even the tiniest bit shit. He's not perfect (who is?) but he absolutely does at least 50% of domestic stuff, and always has, apart from the short spell when I worked part-time so obviously did more child-care (and then he definitely did a fair share). He is in his 60s and we have been together over 30 years, married 25 years. Children are now in their early 20s (they are living at home again and definitely a bit shit domestically, but that is another story - possibly not helped by the fact that DH is too willing to run around after them).

If he goes away for a few days, I definitely notice that it is more work doing the things he normally does on top of the things I normally do.

I tend to feel guilty that I'm a bit lazy and he does more than me. But I've asked, and he doesn't think that is true.

On the other hand, from observing other families, I think he is unusual.

The problem is that the bar for men is so low, it’s practically subterranean.

That's so true. I could start another thread about the self congratulatory attitude for perfectly basic child rearing 😅

I do get what you’re saying but I also think that if you have a ‘good one’ and it’s not 50:50, it’s worth looking at it from another angle. Are there things that you do that you don’t need to, which adds to your load/stress? Are there things you could just not do, like he does, or that he would do if you stopped? Why do you prioritise his free time, when you clearly resent it (not unreasonable)?

A few years ago, when I realised that I had so much less downtime than everyone else in my family, I just started taking it! The house is messier, there are things that get missed but I don’t take responsibility for that - WE didn’t do it, not ME! Also, while I’m responsible for the cooking and shopping, that’s because I wouldn’t like what he would do not because he wouldn’t do it, and he does the clearing up. He’s always been responsible for anything to do with the cars - I literally don’t even think about MOTs, services, tax, repairs, insurance, etc. - and any maintenance of the house and garden (which is actually a pretty big job for a chunk of the year). My job means school pick ups have always been massively more sensible for me to do, but it’s easier for him to work from home when they’re ill. He’ll finish early and get them or drop them off if I need him to. As they’re getting older, they’re doing the same sports he does, so that’s now fully on him. He organises holidays and does all the packing of stuff (we camp a lot and there’s always bikes, etc. too). In some ways, stopping doing all the tidying and cleaning and organising highlighted how much I was doing and meant I’m more appreciated now than I was before! But he was always good at doing things that needed to be done - we met as students and he was definitely quite capable of living in a civilised manner! It’s also generational as his dad is the same - there’s a genuine partnership in his DPs home too.

So, yes, there are genuinely ‘good’ ones out there. I think we have to ring fence our time like most men do, instead of taking it all on and quietly seething. Like PP, I’m the disorganised scatty one in our relationship anyway, and now I’m probably the ‘lazy’ one too - though I think he’d say I’m not.

I have definitely started to leave things undone simply because I just don’t have the time and the energy. But dh won’t do them unless it’s something crucial like an overdue bill. He wouldn’t start cleaning more or planning activities for the kids because I didn’t do it.

I think I’ve seen the suggestion to say WE not ME when something doesn’t get done on another thread and I do that now. DH was taken aback the first time I said ‘WE forgot to take the DC’s coats’ on a family outing 😄

I don't know how many men do 50% of the housework, childcare and admin. My DH worked away in the week so I did all of it, I didn't mind because it enabled me to be a SAHM while our kids were small. When he was home on weekends, he did his share of looking after the kids, cooking, shopping etc but it's fair to say the bulk of it fell to me. I did all the kids life admin but he did all the bill paying/house & car insurance etc so it evens out.

If you are both working full time, the housework & childcare should be split more evenly.

Kevin from Motherland.

But no-one fancies him 😁

Why do you do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry?

I am single but from what I hear your experience is common / the norm.

True, poor Kevin 😄

My friend’s husband , he does way more than her child wise, genuinely cares about her wellbeing ( if the children are all over her) he’ll basically take both away , is almost always primary parent when we’re out as a big group together having a meal …
neither like cooking or cleaning but they pay for help and he has equal part in arranging for that ( ie it’s not her job to interview and manage and organise when the nanny or cleaner is coming by )
oh and yes they bother have good jobs and are financial equals ( although at the moment she is sahm for a 2 years). He speaks of her achievements and is genuinely a caring supportive husband . She goes on trips with friends and he will single parent whilst she’s off ( and work ). Their kids are young too, so it’s not a walk in the park

I think that it’s harder to feel like a team if you and your partner aren’t on the same page.
I also think, perhaps controversially, that often when your partner can fulfil a part of married family life which you personally find difficult, then it’s easier to compromise and work together.

It’s easier to split your life in terms of what is a better for the team , rather than 50/50 for each task.

My dh does all the laundry from the point it’s in the basket - I get it there. He does the school admin cause he got to the letter first so they have his email. We split cooking and shopping, mainly depending on work schedules. I clean the bathroom he cleans the kitchen. He makes pack lunches for everyone and I do the school run. I take the kids to the drs and make appointments he sorts prescription and blood test (disabled dc).

I wouldn’t accept anything else.

Perhaps you are just ignorant to the things that you are shit at?

My world changed when dh began mostly wfh and I have to be in the office 3 days a week across the county. Means dh ends up doing clubs and dentist appointments etc. we do divide stuff up. Dh does all cadet admin and I do all dance admin etc but clear division of responsibility.

How refreshing, another man bashing thread 😂

I think you're very right. I don't think it's because men are shit though. it's because of the way we've all been socialised to just naturally fall into certain habits and it's really hard to break.

It's taken me and DH years to get to the point where I feel things are more even or fair. But it's been hard work and taken a lot of talking and discussion and some compromises. And frankly, a huge willingness by DH to accept that he has to step up which is harder than it sounds when the message he's getting from all around him is that he's ALREADY A GOD because he wasn't completely useless. I get on well with his family but there's no doubt in my mind that they think he's a bloody hero with all he does and that I'm very "lucky".

And the reality is that his life is significantly harder and, arguably, less nice now than it was 10 years ago because he is doing so much more and taking on more responsibility. He's settled into it but in the beginning i could see how hard it was for him - he wasn't complaining at all, but there was this constant sort of "why the F+++ do I never get a break" sort of cloud hanging over him.

I have a friend whose DH does his fair share of the actual physical load but she does 100% of the mental load. But what really gets her down is that he never stops COMPLAINING about it. He's got a teenager and he's still outraged that parenting is constant and relentless and that he can't spend 5 days at a cricket match whenever he feels like it anymore. I honestly think sometimes that i fit wasn't for the fact that he does do some of the physical work, she'd have divorced him years ago just because of the whining.

Hmm, we've not had an 'all men are universally shit and inferior to women' thread for at least five minutes, well done.

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

Yes. My DP definitely does. It's always been that way for us. Same for my own parents.

DH and I split 50/50, but in a different way - I do everything “mental load” related (because he is dyslexic and anything on the computer stresses him out), and maybe 1/3 cleaning. He does 90% of the cooking (unless one of us take a notion for something I make particularly well, I’m a good cook, just don’t enjoy it), all of the washing up, and all of the DIY. We do the vast majority of the shopping together (but split into 2 - one of us will do supermarket, one of us will do butcher/fishmonger/fruit + veg market) - we both drive so we take turns as taxi service. I do most of the housework (vacuuming, deep cleans, dusting etc) - we’re very much a partnership and if for whatever reason one of us isn’t doing “our bit”, the other will pick it up for a while. He’s also a genuinely love bloke!

YANBU.

I used to think I had a good one, he didnt do 50% of the housework, and I did most of the child related admin, but it turns out he's gay and was having sex with a man he met online when he told me he was at the gym.

Its been almost 4 months, still living in the same house and I honestly cant wait to get my own place. He's like a different person to the one I married, its very odd. He clearly still thinks he's a good one though

There are plenty of things I am shit at. I will never win any ironing or baking prizes, and am happy to throw money at other jobs so I don’t have to do them badly (e.g. gardening). But I can confidently say that I know which school DS goes to, and that nothing goes to shit when DH travels for work. The converse is not true (even though when I travel on business, I still do the grocery shopping, school admin, admin for DS’ health/disability and organise help with the school run etc).

DH is very senior at work, but seems to be lobotomised of all common sense, autonomy and executive function on the drive home. He’s a good man, and probably does much more than his own father did in the home, but much of it is quite hopelessly executed!

My DH definitely does 50:50, if not more. He does:

Every school drop off
Pick up 2x a week
Primary school contact
All school payments
Bedtime every night for one kid
Every night waking
Most early morning wake ups
All dentist and doctor apps
Bins
All laundry
All dishes
Lawn

I don’t know what actual % of men don’t do 50:50, but it’s not ‘all’. But yes, it’s certainly the majority, I’d imagine.

What is a ‘good guy’ to you? Good enough? Who is ‘the best guy’?

Totally agree. Most of them are crap. Some are okay, like you’re but even that’s not equal.

The thing that gets me is that they expect you to still really fancy them 😂