AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

[Dontasksillyquestions]

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

My husband is a good guy - he’s respectful, spends time with us, helps with cleaning, is great with the kids, and provides for the family. But when it comes to the mental load, it's mostly on me. I handle the kids' appointments, school stuff, making sure they have clean clothes, and I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry.

He’s not great at DIY and needs constant reminding to do anything. If something breaks, I fix it or it stays broken. I also deal with all the tradesmen and house stuff. He handles the car and the dog.

On paper he’s a good partner, but lately, I’ve been thinking life would be simpler without him - smaller house, no dog, fewer chores. It’s so frustrating having to constantly remind him to do things. I don’t want to be his manager; he should just get things done. And when he complains about how tough life is and how we never get time to ourselves, it really gets to me. He doesn’t have as much time for his hobby as he used to, but I don’t have any time for myself at all. I always prioritise his free time and well-being because he complains.

If our marriage ended for any reason (just to be clear, I’m not thinking of separating, it’s all hypothetical), I wouldn’t be with another man. At this point, even the “good” ones seem pretty useless. My friends’ husbands are the same - generally nice, helpful guys, but still not really 50/50 partners. Then there are the absolutely vile men you read about on here - the cocklodgers, gaslighters and cheaters.

AIBU to think that they’re all a bit shit actually? 😄

I'm one of the 'lucky' ones (sad that it does seemingly come down to luck). My DH is very involved with the kids and house. He does more than half of the school runs, all packed lunches, shared mental load for school and club activities, homework supervision, most of the dog walks, his share of laundry and dishwasher duties, grabbing bits from the shop when needed, mowing, bins, and also heavily involved as a volunteer at two of DCs' clubs. I do most of the cooking, washing up, cleaning and tidying, gardening and decorating. It works for us!

I don't think it's luck, I think some women have a low bar. You make things clear from the beginning; if he is lazy and entitled and shows no inkling to change, it's not going to get better over the next 20 years. Talk about domestic chores. Discuss childcare and responsibilities before you have children, so you can make a decision before it's too late.

I agree here.

6 kids and I have had a fair amount of comments over the years when I take the children out on my own. People have said ‘ wow you have your hands full there” many times but OHHHHHH my DH takes out 2 or more of the children out and every single time he tells me SEVERAL people made the comment above or similar. He probably had more comments like that in a year than I’ve had in 12 years !

My Dh does 50%. He does all the laundry (daily), hoovering/ mopping floors (5 tomes per week). He cleans the bathrooms and bigger jobs like the windows in a rolling basis. He cleans the kitchen after I’ve cooked and stacks dishwasher. With dc he doesn’t do any of the mental load (we only have 1 dc) but dc does sport at a high level and trains 6 times a week so he does half of the driving. He also does the garden and DIY.

I know lots of great men who do their fair share or more.

But 'managing' a shit husband in an unequal partnership is a massive mental load in itself. Obviously turning back the clock many of us could have made better assessments and decisions and married/ reproduced with different men. But not everyone has had the benefit of an ideal or even adequate childhood to instill the self worth in them and the redflag spotting ability earlier enough in adulthood to have these standards and make these assessments, and this has to be learnt through life unfortunately. Then the only options that they are left with, are (a) hope they can change the unchangable (b) divorce (c) put up with it and have a good rant to like minded women on mumsnet.

I did not have an ideal or adequate childhood. My mother died when I was young. However, looking at other women I decided I was not going to be a skivvy for a man, ever. I was not going to be in an unequal partnership or controlled. I saw other women trapped and exploited (it was the 1970s) and I thought - that's not for me.
I would rather have remained single. I've come across many women who want a man, no matter what.

Ditto.

We have been married 41 years and I can honestly say DH has been fully 50 50 in everything. When the children were babies he did every other night ( each night one of us would sleep in the spare room to get some sleep). We have split all income, inheritances, pension lump sums etc equally , as we do with expenses. we divvy up all domestic tasks, every Thursday we have a big blitz on the house, I do upstairs and 1/2 the kitchen, he does the rest. We each do our own laundry and ironing. It has been great to feel that everything is shared, it really bouys you up not to feel any extra burden. Amongst my friends I think this is the norm.

My DH cooked a meal the other week and it's like he was expecting an award for it, bells to ring, a choir to pop up and start singing angelical hallelujahs etc...

Like WFT?!?

And yet does he appreciate how much effort it takes? Nope!

And don't get me started on the mental load! I'm the one that sorts all the kids stuff out. Activities, school stuff, play dates, clothes, uniform, shoes, birthdays.

Sometimes when I'm so stressed (I am currently doing more hours a week than him in term time) and I completely lose my shit, then he does start helping more, but it shouldn't be about him helping - he should be doing 50%!

What is his response when you've discussed this, in calmer moments?

i my case(!) it’s because DH has perfected the art of doing everything soooo badly that nobody in their right minds would ever ask him to again… & he was in forces so I had to do everything when he wasn’t at home!

Weaponised incompetence. If he's in the forces, he's certainly capable and adaptable!

Many men are absolutely appalling, so the basically okay ones get treated like heroes.

Ok well if you both work full time in demanding jobs (irrespective of what you earn) he’s just taking the piss then.

I agree that the bar requires excavation sadly in a lot of cases. I am very pleased that your husband has performed as should be the common standard, but taking even a small cross section of experiences on this thread, and forum in general would suggest that you are in a 'lucky' woeful minority.

We see the extremes on these types of forum of course, because nobody takes to the internet to write about the mediocre. However my experience in real life does in part reflect my original post. The vast majority of men I encounter in that 40+ bracket are just a bit shit, and the younger generation do appear to be doing better.

I wonder how much of it continues to go on because it is allowed to.

Same!

Also I have two brothers and they were both much tidier and cleaner than me growing up. They are both single and keep a cleaner house than me although one does have a cleaner now. One is a decent cook, the other is a fantastic cook who runs supper clubs on the side. So I’ve always had quite high expectations for men I guess lol

I only really pulled up my socks with housework when I got flatmates since I didn’t want to inflict my mess on them in the communal areas. But even then still had an untidy bedroom in my 20s…I am far better now but it doesn’t come as easy to me as many others.

He thinks I shouldn't put so much effort into my job (teaching) and still doesnt massively grasp its 50+ hours a week.

His mum was a housewife so he seems to expect me to take on that role as well as work full time.

Things improve then go back to me doing everything unfortunately.

Good points. My DS is early 30s, he's in the good group, and much appreciated by his GF!
You're right, the bar is so low, particularly in the 40s age group. I can't honestly believe some of the examples on here, they're so depressing!

I earn £20k more than my husband and he does most the domestic stuff. Works for us.

Gender/sex shouldn’t determine if anyone’s “a good one”.

It seems extraordinary that he a) has no idea how hard teachers work, and b) has unrealistic expectations of what you should be doing in the home.
You must feel very frustrated. Your job is demanding enough.

And yet he’s not xDH

Maybe because I’m naturally more messier and opposites attract or something, but I date men from age 35-45 and all of them are very clean around their houses and don’t expect me to clean up after them or cook for them - although I do enjoy doing the latter.

Personally I have a very high bar, as I said upthread I grew up around males who had their shit together in that respect.

But I do agree the bar is so low for too many people.

Presumably you contribute in other ways?

He sounds quite disrespectful and dismissive of your career. This must be wilful ignorance.

It’s not like the 90s, there’s so much in the media nowadays about how many teachers are walking out or struggling due to the heavy workload or ofsted pressure etc

Its not in the best interest of our DS. Their happiness will always come first.

Plus speaking to friends this is the same case for so many.