AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

[Dontasksillyquestions]

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

My husband is a good guy - he’s respectful, spends time with us, helps with cleaning, is great with the kids, and provides for the family. But when it comes to the mental load, it's mostly on me. I handle the kids' appointments, school stuff, making sure they have clean clothes, and I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry.

He’s not great at DIY and needs constant reminding to do anything. If something breaks, I fix it or it stays broken. I also deal with all the tradesmen and house stuff. He handles the car and the dog.

On paper he’s a good partner, but lately, I’ve been thinking life would be simpler without him - smaller house, no dog, fewer chores. It’s so frustrating having to constantly remind him to do things. I don’t want to be his manager; he should just get things done. And when he complains about how tough life is and how we never get time to ourselves, it really gets to me. He doesn’t have as much time for his hobby as he used to, but I don’t have any time for myself at all. I always prioritise his free time and well-being because he complains.

If our marriage ended for any reason (just to be clear, I’m not thinking of separating, it’s all hypothetical), I wouldn’t be with another man. At this point, even the “good” ones seem pretty useless. My friends’ husbands are the same - generally nice, helpful guys, but still not really 50/50 partners. Then there are the absolutely vile men you read about on here - the cocklodgers, gaslighters and cheaters.

AIBU to think that they’re all a bit shit actually? 😄

Amanda certainly took advantage!

You’re wrong. Take the good over the bad. You will miss him when he is gone

My DH does 50:50 - I wouldn't have stayed with him if he didn't. Right from the earliest days of our relationship, I "trained" him! When he came round to our house (I lived with parents), I reminded him to put the loo seat down again after he used it and told him which towel to use, when it came to brewing up mid way through the evening video (or whatever), I made sure we took it in turns and made him go and make the brew and then wash up afterwards on alternate nights. I made it clear basically from our first date that I wasn't his skivvy and that he could take it or leave it! Same when we went on our first holiday, I gave him his share of "tasks" during the booking, organisation, etc, and then when we got there. He competently did his "tasks" and that was my "green light" to move forward to marriage, buying a house, a child, etc., and right from the outset in each, I made sure he knew what was expected of him!

My previous serious relationship was a nightmare with a "taker" who wanted everything from me but gave nothing back. He didn't get far with me and I soon ended it after a few months of trying to "train" him to show an interest and do things that needed doing, but he just never stepped up, so I threw him back!

The last paragraph describes my DH to a T. Are we married to the same man? 😄

I often wonder how someone with a high responsibility job and who manages people at work, needs this level of handholding at home.

No, my husband is a "good one", old school and not a bit shit.
Mistakes - I make them, too.

It’s great that you have managed to ‘train’ your DH. Have you found that he becomes somewhat self sufficient as time goes on or does he still need telling what to do?

One of my problems is that DH is somewhat trainable and will (eventually) do things if asked. But he hardly shows any initiative. Won’t clean anything extra unless told to, wouldn’t think to book a holiday or a day out, will go shopping, but only with an explicit list, will only cook dinner if he’s told what to do and the ingredients are readily available. At some point it’s not worth the effort of micromanaging and it’s easier to just do things myself.

Mine is great, genuinely, only he needs to tidy his desk.

I agree that if we were ever to split I would not be getting into another relationship. I often think it would be easier to do things alone.

I’m ringfencing my time right now by crocheting and Mumsnetting in bed 🤣

From reading comments on Mumsnet, it confirms that I have a fantastic husband - again not perfect, but fantastic for me

He and I share chores - he mows the grass and cleans the floors as I hate vacuuming, but I do the dusting/wiping down, all our laundry and we each arrange insurance for our respective cars. We both change bedding and whoever changes it puts the wash on

NEITHER OF US IRONS A DAMN THING 🤣

He cooks more than I do through habit as he cooked for his young children every day from scratch when he was widowed. He bakes bread, I bake cakes

I probably drive more than he does on long journeys, and I pack the car and check we have everything we need. He hates packing so I usually fling clothes into his case a few days before departure to get him started, otherwise he’d leave it until the last minute which I detest

He’s responsible for sandwich making and snacks for long journeys - his packed lunches are so much tastier and attractive than mine!

After 8 years we have routines that work for us plus I get to snog him as much as I want. I’m a very contented woman

DH does all the cooking and grocery shopping, and most of the laundry, and does most of the ‘getting DS to football’ stuff. I do the garden. Neither of us cleans or irons — our nice cleaner does.

Can I introduce you to the rest of the internet where you can observe women bashing continuously

I don't understand how so many women can associate with such men. There must be men who are better than this .

My DH does more around the house than I do and probably a more thorough job. I organise holidays/activities, plan the meals and do the cooking and hoovering because I enjoy it. I am better with big decisions, he’s better with day to day ones. He does the washing up (no dishwasher), laundry, changes sheets, cleans bathroom and kitchen, manages the garden and car. We are both good at DIY - he has more strength for things whereas I can figure out the solution quickly. He’s more creative/aesthetic so will choose designs, styles, colours etc and I’m more practical/commercially astute. He also does my taxes which is quite cheeky of me as I’m the one with an accounting qualification but he’s more organised with receipts/expenses and minutiae. I earn a lot more but wfh whereas he works longer hours and does shifts so I’m aware it’s harder for him, and I appreciate it more.

My dad was exactly the same and in fact did almost all the house work, cooking, life admin and child care because my mum traveled a lot for work. So I think seeing that modelled at home made me expect men to do as much as me or more - I’ve never dated a man who didn’t do his fair share. Certainly encountered some lazy SoBs and wanted none of that in my life. As for bills we split who looks after which bills so each have some in our name and also for our credit scores. Direct debits mean we don’t have to remember when to pay them.

With your DH I would make it very clear what you expect him to do and make a fuss if he doesn’t. Otherwise he gets away with it knowing you’ll stew silently but he’ll have an easy life. Also stop doing things or only do it for yourself.

You’re not wrong, OP.

When my Dad died my Mum said (after a suitable period of mourning) “You know, your Dad was lovely, but I wouldn’t have another man if you gift wrapped him’.

YABU- not about your specific situation, as only you can decide how you feel about your relationship or what expectations you have of your partner- but this general “all men are shit” or at least worse than women. Which I think is untrue. Plenty of good men and women and a fair amount of horrors of both too. And most of us are somewhere in the middle, I think.

Women are not inherently better than men and I am both saddened and exasperated by the attitude that we are. are there specific problems with regards men- yes, of course. But women aren’t universally lovely or always right.

I hope you don’t have boys if you really do think all men are, at best, a bit shit. I can’t imagine having a parent who thought that about me, based on my gender alone. I’m not sure how you could parent boys fairly/well if genuinely believe the best you can hope for is that they will be “a bit shit”. It’s not exactly positive, is it?

I definitely carry the mental load of school admin and household planning. I do 90% of cleaning, buying groceries and laundry, all holiday managing/social lives and our personal finances. DH does most of the cooking, sorts the bins, cuts the hedges, sorts car stuff, and does some school runs (en route to work) and solely manages our joint business. He works very hard and does his fair share. We invest the same amount of effort and time but we do different tasks and splitting everything down the line 50:50 actually wouldn't suit me. I'm at SAHM and I'm happy with the allocation of jobs for this season. If I worked outside of the home though, then it would have to be very different as I wouldn't manage and I respect people who can do it all.

Ok why has noone asked about how someone drops a child off to the wrong school!!???

Well my OH has never used an iron. She moved her stuff into my gaff after a year and never moved out. To her credit she does her own laundry (but not mine or the kids). It's been my job to get up with the kids from day one, she gets breakfast in bed often although TBF she did reciprocate once when I had covid.

She has one or two signature dishes, which she kindly does maybe one or twice a week, otherwise she's good enough to let me have the kitchen to myself to cook maybe 5 out 7 meals. She lets me do breakfast every day, which is great.

She'll do the housework willingly when she's got someone coming around. She pays her own way... when she remembers to, which often she doesn't. Sometimes she even puts petrol in her own car, I'm sure she'd MOT and service it if it needed it but it's a super car that seemingly doesn't need servicing or an MOT, and it must be tax exempt because she doesn't pay road tax.

We're lucky as well because we have a magic house that maintains itself, including an extension that came out of nowhere, and a secret gardener that no one ever sees.

Occasionally she comes home and remembers we're supposed to be in a relationship, but thankfully she doesn't put me to the trouble of meeting her needs, she often finds someone else to do that and save me the bother.

But you're right, all men are a bit shit and most women are perfect, like my OH!

This doesn't sound normal to me at all, but I wouldn't have stayed with a man who expected me to do all the work. Mine does more than his fair share, cooking, cleaning, bins, groceries and pets. I can't drive in the UK currently so I help with all but the groceries, and whichever one is done with work first sorts dinner. We don’t have kids to deal with thankfully, I dont think either of us would have enjoyed or been better at that. But he's a good man, he is compassionate, sincere, loving, ambitious, handsome and successful. After writing all of that out I think I need to go give him a big kiss, bc I definitely hit the jackpot.

I normally do the lions share. I work 3 days a week, he works 5 days a week. He does do drop offs/pick ups when he is here, deals with taking the bins out and DIY type stuff. I normally do everything else. We have 6 children.

Baby no.6 arrived 6 weeks ago. He was in NICU for the first few weeks due to respiratory failure and I’ve been unwell since he got home (gallbladder attack then kidney stones which led to a kidney infection where I was almost hospitalised, I also have had a chest infection at the same time). I’ve barely been able to walk the length of myself for the last fortnight. I’m still getting breastfeeding established with my newborn as he has had all sorts of issues transitioning from being NG fed and then the antibiotics I was taking made things even more difficult. So, my husband decided to extend his paternity leave and take an extra few weeks off to help. All he has done is complain about how overwhelmed he is- he is doing about half what I would normally do, at best. I’m still having to leave out school uniforms etc, albeit he will iron them. He will fling toys in the corner of the living room and say he has cleaned the room. He hasn’t put any laundry away in the last 2 weeks, so I spent tonight sorting that. The floors haven’t been mopped in the last 2 weeks, so I’ve just came up to bed after sorting them and cleaning the bathroom and kitchen. I’ve lost count of the amount of takeaways the kids have had as he “can’t think” what to make for dinner. I appreciate it’s a change to his routine and he likely is overwhelmed but it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth when I’m expected to do everything when I’m working, pregnant etc and he can’t manage when he is off work.

I’ll add, I don’t think I realised how much I was doing til I looked around realised everything that hasn’t been done when I’ve been unwell.

Mine does 50%, maybe more. I think women with shit partners like to think all men are like this as it makes themselves feel better. Could be generational. You started by saying he was a good partner. Well he sounds shit to me if he's not pulling his weight. Having a penis doesn't let him off the hook.

Like others, if I found myself single again I wouldn’t be getting into another relationship with a man.

DH works and brings home the bacon, but a disproportionate share of domestic and kid stuff falls to me and if I pass it to him he fucks it up in a masterful display of weaponised incompetence. Typically to my disadvantage (“Whoops, no, I didn’t book Daisy’s after school club…”).

Men unfortunately tend to have lower standards when it comes to household chores and such. When I see how bachelors live, I wonder how they can live that way. Were they never taught to be self-sufficient and run their own affairs?

They say military men are not like this lol so maybe we need to send them to the military to learn how to take care of their own affairs …

These so called nice guys are just as bad as the cocklodgers. They know they are stealing your time.and resources. Buying their free.time with your exhuation.. Except they are doing it smiling.