AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

[Dontasksillyquestions]

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

My husband is a good guy - he’s respectful, spends time with us, helps with cleaning, is great with the kids, and provides for the family. But when it comes to the mental load, it's mostly on me. I handle the kids' appointments, school stuff, making sure they have clean clothes, and I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry.

He’s not great at DIY and needs constant reminding to do anything. If something breaks, I fix it or it stays broken. I also deal with all the tradesmen and house stuff. He handles the car and the dog.

On paper he’s a good partner, but lately, I’ve been thinking life would be simpler without him - smaller house, no dog, fewer chores. It’s so frustrating having to constantly remind him to do things. I don’t want to be his manager; he should just get things done. And when he complains about how tough life is and how we never get time to ourselves, it really gets to me. He doesn’t have as much time for his hobby as he used to, but I don’t have any time for myself at all. I always prioritise his free time and well-being because he complains.

If our marriage ended for any reason (just to be clear, I’m not thinking of separating, it’s all hypothetical), I wouldn’t be with another man. At this point, even the “good” ones seem pretty useless. My friends’ husbands are the same - generally nice, helpful guys, but still not really 50/50 partners. Then there are the absolutely vile men you read about on here - the cocklodgers, gaslighters and cheaters.

AIBU to think that they’re all a bit shit actually? 😄

I lived alone in my early 20's and again recently for a few years and wow... so relaxing (until something breaks that I cannot fix or that is going to cost me loads of money! Then - meg-stress!)

I honestly think we are 50:50 and I hope he feels the same. I think the expectation was set really early when we both took shared parental leave. I was always very conscious and explicit of not being the default parent so we put his phone number down on everything so nursery, dentist etc always contact him

I have come to the conclusion that it is men like these that end up approaching retirement with women that are largely ambivalent about them.

Stop doing anything for them.
Dont cook or buy foods they like.
Don't do their laundrry.
Replicate their lazy bare minimum attitude.

There is a reason women who can afford it seperate and are happier doing it all, but without the teenager partner to factor in to things.

Mine does more than half, now that we both work full time since the kids got older. When they were younger I worked part-time and dh had a very stressful job with long hours, so I did the majority of stuff at home. He changed job when I went back to ft work. He does more at home than me because I'm lazier about housework than he is and also I bring work home quite a bit and he doesn't.

There is a reason women who can afford it seperate and are happier doing it all, but without the teenager partner to factor in to things.

My life would definitely be much harder work without dh, even if my dc had left home already. Apart from anything else, he's a fantastic (and efficient and tidy) cook and loves cooking.

Terrible example for DS.

And the circle of life continues.

I think this is a really important point. Start as you mean to go on.

If you’re the one taking all the time off on maternity leave and the father gets two weeks off but spends the rest of the time working (and earning), it’s hardly surprising that he isn’t going to be contributing 50:50 in childcare.

But, if you share parental leave such that a few months you are doing it, and a few months he is doing it, I suspect you find he will contribute equally going forward (assuming you both work full time of course).

I would say my DH is 50-50. But before we had kids he literally did all the housework and cooking for both of us and I did zero. So having kids has definitely skewed things a lot!

I also don't know anyone else whatsoever who has a 50-50 partner. My friends all did 50-50 with their partners before kids, then after kids they do everything. They used to laugh that I did zero housework, but now they're jealous we've managed 50-50 with kids.

I do at least 50/50. We both work full time so it is only fair that we share the load at home.

I don’t think that’s realistic in all cases. We did consider shared parental leave at the time, but the truth was it didn’t make financial sense. We could maintain our lifestyle on DH’s salary and SMP, but not on my salary alone. Breastfeeding, where that is the case, is also a consideration. Because the woman has to either give it up or go through the extra effort of pumping during the workday. I know it’s a legal right, but not all employers are supportive enough

Regardless of who is on maternity/paternity leave, it doesn’t absolve the other partner of doing their share (in my view 50%) of housework. Parental leave is to look after the baby, not to be a house slave. The working partner should also do their share of childcare when not at work.

Incidentally, I also don’t think that SAHMs of young children who are not in school should be doing all housework and childcare either. All during work hours, but ideally no more than 50% the rest of the time.

I think we’re all a bit shit in our own way, aren’t we? No one is perfect.

Ok, but then if he’s the one going out to work and you are not, then you can’t expect the ratio to be 50:50. Even if he helps 50:50 while at home, then it’s going to be 75:25 overall at best.

And you’re giving him no credit for being the one that goes out and works such that you have the ability stay on SMP. If he didn’t have that job, you’d have had to go back to work. Sounds like “heads you win, tails he loses” to me.

The dropping DS off at the wrong school part is the funniest thing I’ve read today!

I was on mat leave years ago. At the moment we are both working.

YANBU at all. The bar is set way too low for men.

A great example...

I have two very close friends who are bith single parents with two children.

One is a woman with two sons
One a man with two daughters

Both very similar ages and kids similar ages

The woman has been asked what she did to end up single. She has been asked why she got with a bad guy in the first place. She gets criticised for not working enough, working too much.. The list goes on

The single dad gets told on an almost daily basis how wonderful he is and how great he 'stepped up'. His house is a mess and he works part time. People say we'll what do you expect, he is raising two little girls all by himself etc

We've talked about it outright and he says how unfair it is that he gets told well done and has zero expectations placed on him apart from feeding and keeping kids alive. The woman gets comments all the time for choosing a loser to have kids with

As it happens, both lost their partners, one to an accident and one to cancer.

Think it just shows how unequal we still are

Women now have to work AND raise the kids And sort the domestic stuff... Men do ONE of those things and get praised like mad

So unfair

I agree OP on the bar being subterranean for men. I often think I would be so incredibly embarrassed to be as disengaged and lazy and accepting of having someone else running round me sorting stuff out as most men I know. On some subconscious level, I am convinced they think it’s beneath them to be doing all the things that we as women have taught ourselves to do in order to keep a household going. Although they would deny they think they’re above basic household tasks, how come they assume the counters wipe themselves, the toilets are self cleaning and the washing dances itself from the laundry pile to their drawers - or that some woman will come along and do it for them.

This is spot on @SurvivalInstinctsOfABakedPotato Single fathers get praised and lauded in society like nothing else while single mothers get blamed. Very rarely do people try and blame the man for choosing a rotten woman.

So it is all on men? Women can be useless too but we hardly ever hear that, men are supposedly so bad but women spend a lot of time an effort wanting men, complaining about men, devastated when a man doesn't want them, cant stop talking about them

I would say there is equal bad men and women also equal good men and women, but also a lot of martyrs around

My husband is no better or worse than me he is human like we all are

Mine does plenty. Is very handy around the house, does all the cooking, cleans from time to time. Not great at admin stuff but that’s partly because despite us giving people his details, they still contact me. To be fair though, a fair bit of it needs a strong fuck off attitude as everything is a fight when it comes to trying to sort things for a disabled teenager and I’m way better than him at doing that. I draft him in when I need back up and that works too.

We’re never 50/50 but that’s unachievable. Between us we do 100 and the split of who is doing most changes depending on what else is going on.

I don’t expect perfection and neither do I give it. I’m certain I’d be described as one of the good ones but also a bit shit at times. Isn’t that what most people are like?

Nah. Mine is more 60/40. I’ve got a chronic health issue, and he takes more of the load

dropping DS off at the wrong school and then driving 100 miles for work with his phone switched off.

😂

The test is asking "if I saw a woman behaving like that, would I be impressed/ think its ok/ think she's lazy?" Then you have your answer whether the man in question is OK or a bit shit.

But the best bit is it had to be a DS not a DD or she'd have pointed it out on arrival!

Seriously though, I don't know. I think mums and dads are maybe good at different things and don't give enough credit in either direction. It's so much easier to notice what you have done and contributed yourself.

My late husband was great. They aren't all bad. I have to admit I took on the mental load with the kids and the shopping and cooking, but he took on the mental load with the finances, cars, maintenance, cleaning of the house, gardening, tradesmen etc. And if one of us was struggling we would support the other. I don't think anything will ever be 50/50 but you have to lean on each other's strengths.

My oh left at Easter. It’s infinitely easier and less stressful.