AIBU to think that even the good ones are a bit shit?

[Dontasksillyquestions]

Are there any men out there who actually do 50/50 when it comes to childcare, housework, and the mental load?

My husband is a good guy - he’s respectful, spends time with us, helps with cleaning, is great with the kids, and provides for the family. But when it comes to the mental load, it's mostly on me. I handle the kids' appointments, school stuff, making sure they have clean clothes, and I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, and laundry.

He’s not great at DIY and needs constant reminding to do anything. If something breaks, I fix it or it stays broken. I also deal with all the tradesmen and house stuff. He handles the car and the dog.

On paper he’s a good partner, but lately, I’ve been thinking life would be simpler without him - smaller house, no dog, fewer chores. It’s so frustrating having to constantly remind him to do things. I don’t want to be his manager; he should just get things done. And when he complains about how tough life is and how we never get time to ourselves, it really gets to me. He doesn’t have as much time for his hobby as he used to, but I don’t have any time for myself at all. I always prioritise his free time and well-being because he complains.

If our marriage ended for any reason (just to be clear, I’m not thinking of separating, it’s all hypothetical), I wouldn’t be with another man. At this point, even the “good” ones seem pretty useless. My friends’ husbands are the same - generally nice, helpful guys, but still not really 50/50 partners. Then there are the absolutely vile men you read about on here - the cocklodgers, gaslighters and cheaters.

AIBU to think that they’re all a bit shit actually? 😄

I’m 57, my husband is 66 and he has always done at least 50/50 of everything, if not more. He cooks, cleans, irons, gardens, shops, sorts the bills and has always been hands on with our (now grown up) children. I realise he’s a rare breed.

you are lucky!

I was married to one who did more childcare and housework than me. Likely by virtue of our different working patterns but he willingly did it. I did all the life admin and cooking, but he kept the cars on the road, decorated and improved the house, maintained a beautiful garden. That part of the marriage, I could never complain about

Oh God yes this!! 🤦‍♀️

No one is perfect.

Posts like this make me think how bloody lucky I am. My husband does a hell of a lot and can be left alone with the kids without being told what to do.
Definitely temperamental though, his one downside

Has anyone else found their dh does less as you both get older? Mine just about copes with going to work now (we are both late 50s). He used to do more around the house years ago, a lot more cooking, all the gardening, and the odd very small bit of diy. Now he literally goes to work, cooks twice at the weekend, and takes teen ds to his football. That is his absolute limit.

The thing is, there are a lot of things (most) men just don’t care about. Many do not care about the house being nice or the kids doing play dates. Often they don’t even care about clean clothes or healthy food. So it’s hard to blame them for not being responsible for that stuff. My DH doesn’t care about whether the kids do extra-curriculars, so he doesn’t arrange any. On the other hand, I don’t care about the gutters so I have nothing to do with them.

My husband and my kids do their fair share, it didn’t happen over night but I made damn sure it evolved that way. I see my role as in home management these days, they do more of the donkey work I do more of the high level stuff. Works for us. When I was describing my son doing baking and my daughter cleaning bathrooms recently my friends were utterly aghast but every Saturday we all band together and do the weekly house clean, we’ve done it since the kids were small and it has become a very worthwhile investment.

Yes, you need to look at your language. You also said ‘he helps with the cleaning’. It’s not your job to he isn’t ‘helping’. He should be doing his share of a joint task.

Me and my husband both work full time and earn roughly the same amount. He does all the cooking and food prep (including lunches and breakfast), more household stuff as his work is more flexible, and walks the dog. Neither of us do much DIY other than gardening which we shared. I don't think I do any mental load for things that just relate to him. If I ask him to take charge of a task that relates to us both he just does it and I rarely have to follow it up.

Since I've been pregnant he has done all cooking, all looking after the pets, all household tasks (even clothes washing etc), and he's taken the mental load of pretty much everything not related to my own body.

I do have friends whose husband's do not do very much. But then those friends let it happen, they don't call out their husbands or make firm boundaries about what they expect because they'd prefer not to rock the boat, but then complain about things not changing.

Dh definitely does 50% of the mental load but we arrange it that way - he’s responsible for all clothes/shoe shopping for DC, he does most of the cooking and definitely all the food shopping and the lion’s share of the laundry. But we’ve worked this out and over the years and divided responsibilities for everything. I couldn’t tolerate a dh that thought he was “helping” me with the cleaning - fuck that 😄

Nah, my husband is great, he's brilliant with DIY, was always very hands on with the kids when they were young, neither of us love housework but we get through it. He's also a good cook, I can't complain at all

See my dad was also doing 50% or even more on the surface. That was definitely not common with men of his generation and it also informed my expectations. However, I now realise he was probably not doing quite as much as it seemed. His cleaning was a bit superficial (as in he’d do basic things like wiping surfaces and hoovering, but wouldn’t notice a dusty skirting board or cobwebs in the corners), he was also good at following directions, but most of the mental load fell to my mum. My dh is exactly the same, so I suppose I married my dad 😂😂

But I have dated men that were way worse. My ex before my dh was used to his mum doing everything. His dad would only do ‘manly’ tasks like diy and barbecuing. My wake up call was when I found myself hoovering while he was sat on the sofa with his laptop. He literally lifted his feet so I could hoover like we were in an 80s sitcom. I quickly decided he wasn’t the one.

YANBU.
I do everything except take the bin in and out, 3 picks a week and ordering DDs lunches.
I work a 60 mile round commute which takes an hour each way. Partner works from home with his own business and 3x more salary.
I don’t get enough sleep and am always rushing about and stressed.
It’s probably my own fault. We did used to have a cleaner but it gives me more work in some ways, tidying for her. I’d rather save money and do bits where I can.
I don’t know man men who do more than half.
It is a big factor why I only had one child.
I know why more women stay single these days.

I’m sat on MN watching DH do the vacuuming. I would have rather have been alone then had a shit one. When first together there was a bit of a tussle as his Mum had been a SAHM with a housekeeper so he was a bit taken aback as his Dad hadn’t needed to do anything at all. I am forthright so just didn’t do stuff and crushed his expectations like a bug. He is better at cleaning than me and I’m the better cook.

Some women do it to themselves. My friend and I met up between the cities we live in for a weekend. She had cooked meals for the 2 days and left them in the fridge for her family. When DH asked me about food I said, see that big white thing in the corner it’s called a fridge you open it and take food out of it, if it’s empty you go to a shop and refill it with food you buy. She was shocked I was so sarcastic but then she worries about being perceived as nice. I saw my much older sisters grind themselves in to the ground looking after men. There was no way that I was going to allow that to happen to me. I out earned my ex by far and DH and I were on very similar salaries, economic viability gives a louder voice.

I agree. Perfect partners are a minority. Most people settle for ok or good enough.

I do have friends whose husband's do not do very much. But then those friends let it happen, they don't call out their husbands or make firm boundaries about what they expect because they'd prefer not to rock the boat, but then complain about things not changing.

This. Absolutely. I'm lucky my DH is fab and does far more than 50/50 (despite working a more difficult and labour intensive job than me!) but so many of my friends / colleagues moan about how their husband does nothing but then just... carry on...?

I guess relationships are for different things. I think you need to be with someone well matched, whatever that looks like to you.

So.... do you ever say anything to him?

My husband is the guy that makes all women hate me (not seriously obviously).

He does nearly all of the housework, cooking, tidying etc
Half of the childcare and doesn't need to be instructed in any way.
He earns more and works longer hours but we share everything.
He looks after the animals.
I do most of the DIY inside. He does most of it outside.
He is kind, funny, smart and hard working.
He works out and is fit and sexy.
He massages my feet/shoulders for no reason (not looking for sex).
We take turns with the kids so we can partake in our hobbies.
He wants to spend time with me over mates.
He puts my happiness above his own always.

I don't know why he is with me honestly because I bring very little to the relationship😆

I'm also aware he is unusual for a man and people regularly tell us we have role reversed so YANBU

I accept I am the shit husband you are describing. I just happen to have a vagina.

This too!

What is important to one person might not be to another and in my opinion, it actually works better if you have different priorities as you're covering more bases!

😂This made me laugh but it's the same in our household (but I don't do any DIY either 😭).

However I do sort all appointments, holidays, visiting family etc etc. He always says if I do the stuff that needs mentally planning then he will sort the rest.

He's a good'un 😊

I think men nowadays are so hopeless they are a danger to themselves and everyone around them.

When I look at all the things my DDad and his brothers could do, it's insane.

Dad couldn't get a part for a mower once so he made a sand mould of the broken piece, made a temporary furnace (with 7yo me on the bellows) and cast a piece himself. All in the little shed at the bottom of our council house garden. He could make stuff out of wood, had a collection of sewing machines that he made stuff on, taught me how to knit and grew every vegetable you can think of. There was nothing he couldn't at least try. He was always reading books on how to do practical things.

DH can barely scratch his own arse by comparison. If I'm ever on my own I won't be looking to replace him.

My sister and I have often discussed that actually, our dad ruined us for other men! He was far more likely to be the one figuring out there were dust bunnies in corners and generally keeping on top of things, and while a lot of the school etc stuff did fall to my mum as she had more flexible work, he took on a great deal of logistics - he was the one doing a lot of the weekend ferrying around for example. As they got older, he landed up doing a lot more of the cooking as he retired fully while she still semi-worked, and shopping was definitely something they both did. I suspect he was actually better at it.

But then, I also syspect my mother had ADHD and that my father was mildly dyslexic. They both learnt to manage these challenges in their own way. In my dad's case, itwas about being organised and regimented. And of course, he was a child of the war as well - careful management of food and resources. During Covid, he was brilliant - meals planned perfectly to accomodate fresh food at beginning of week, and leftovers/longer-lifed food later so that he could do the shopping no more than once every 10 days!

This just goes to show that they can do it but given half a chance, they just....don't.